Don't play with it

I sit here clutching useless lists
And keys for doors that don't exist
I crack my teeth on pearls
I tear into the history
Show me what it means to me in this world

I see the parts but not the whole
I study saints and scholars both
No perfect plan unfurls
Do I trust my heart or just my mind?
Why is truth so hard to find in this world?

I know that there's a point I've missed
A shrine or stone I haven't kissed
A scar that never graced my wrist
A mirror that hasn't met my fist
But I can't help feeling like I'm...

I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
'Till I understand or go blind

-'Stare at the sun' Thrice