Don't play with it

Time to bounce? It's about that time of year when NY starts to look very, very appealing. I love Grenada, I really do. But I think my inner child suffers from wanderlust. After a certain period of time, my spirit starts to beg for something different, for a little while. I guess being too settled for too long makes me depressed. For me, its akin to something liquid just sitting there on the counter to the point where the mixture starts to visibly settle into layers. A vacation - shaken, not stirred.


Ever had a moment whereby a smell took you back to place and time? My mom always talks about this, how scents have strong memory attachments but I never such an experience until recently. When it happened, it caught me off-guard. However, since the experience, I've developed a heightened sense of awareness as to when it happens.

The first time it happened was on my leatherback turtle field trip. I was sitting next to a friend of mine, Freddy, and well... we're on a bus. I was close enough to smell him and in that moment I felt a wave of nostalgia connected directly to my favourite uncle on my mom's side, her baby brother. The scent was of Snuggle softener combined with the faint scent of cigarettes. My uncle was/is a heavy smoker but he never smoked around me. However, I adored him as a kid so I tried my best to be around him as much as possible so I'd always catch him a lil' after he finished smoking, when the smell still lingers in the air but not as strong. How does this relate to Freddy? He's Guyanese and has a strong Guyanese accent and a smoker and his clothes smells like the softener. So the smell coupled with his voice just reminds me so much of my uncle. (I'm Guyanese) I then found myself doing memory association.

Consequently, this would explain why despite my dislike of cigarettes, especially being smoked around me, I still like the faded scent on clothes. Another person, someone I used to know and be around a lot, was a smoker and sometimes you could smell it on his fingers and his tees, and I would like it. Of course I never told him that because I wanted him to quit, you know, it's bad for your health, etc. as I petition to all my smoker friends, but I'd love the smell. It used to feel be oddly comforting, now I know why.

Anyways, have any scents that takes you back in time?


It was surprisingly chilly up there. I had walked with thin jacket and a thick hoodie. I ended up having to use both. We were supposed to be quiet so as to not distract the turtles and divided into small groups. Our class is pretty big and honestly... I'm uncertain as to truly how quiet we were and ultimately we ended up moving like a cloud across the beach, rather than single file or mere pairs.

When going on such trips it is not advised to walk with any white lights. If you must, use a red light because (apparently) the turtles can't see red light. This is because the turtles head towards the darkness to lay... and the babies head toward the light when they break out of their shells. The ocean is lighter than the land at night. Flashlights and such may prove to be more disorienting than necessary and result in a turn around by the turtles.

Fun facts about them?
* They could grow to about 2 meters long. They are the largest turtle and amongst the world's largest reptiles.
*Have been around circa 100 million years.
*They can dive about 4,200 feet (deeper than any other turtle) and that's because of how their blood circulates, layer of fat and changes in their swimming.
*They have the widest global distribution of turtles and travel the longest journeys 3,700 miles each way.
*Hatchlings' sex are determined by the temperature. 29.5 degrees celcius produces a gender mix, hotter means more females and cooler means more males.

Why is it important for us here in Grenada? These turtles? Well... Grenada is one of the major nest sites in the world. That means, these sea creatures that traverse the world and come back to nest on the beaches on which they were born... and our beaches, are one of the main sites that they must come back to. And, economically, the value as a tourist attraction multiplies in profits exponentially as the turtles would continue to come back to nest annually and well, people would pay good money to see. However, when you kill them, the survival rate of the babies are very low and the age of reproductive maturity is very high... Thus that means, you're killing them much faster than they can reproduce to a sexually productive population. The species, as most turtles, are already critically endangered and toeing the line of extinction. It's selfish to slaughter them... To sell one turtle isn't even profitable enough to make it a livelihood. Furthermore, what about your children?  (Trinidad's leatherback turtle website)

And even on the grander scale, each animal is important to the ecosystem. You can't just remove one and shrug and think to yourself "Oh well, it's just one animal." Each one plays a role. In the most simplest generalization, no leatherbacks would equate a dramatic increase in jellyfish - that's their favourite diet. And no, we don't want an increase of jellyfish. Point I'm trying to make is... ultimately, the ecosystem is like a spider's web and removing species is like tugging at the strands and praying for the best.

I know its easy to not be cognizant because changes seem to be so gradual that the effects seem to be distant and of little consequence. However, as with all epic natural disasters we seem to be encountering as a result of global warming and such, that keeps catching us unprepared with our draws(underwear) down, the distant future is yesterday, today and tomorrow. It's important that we remember that every yesterday was a tomorrow and as the bible said...'Too late, too late - will be the cry.'

Don't mind how tired we look... it was very late and we had fallen asleep periodically on the ride up...(and back down) That's Freddy.

Wayne & Ejazz

Wayne

Dean. I absolutely loved this look. Our prof. told us to come prepared for the night on the beach. However, he came extra prepared. I thought this to be most amusing and adorable at the same time.

One of the three turtles we saw that night, digging the nest.

Starting to lay. That's someone's hand in the lower left part of the picture. The Ocean Spirits group were counting the eggs as they came out.

The Ocean Spirits team

C'est tout.

- 'Brand new' Drake

"Those are the sounds of a woman leaving...

Stronger than the wind in a willow tree...

Those are the sounds of a heart breaking...

You can't hear it....But the noise is killing me...

I can hear it ...And the silence is killing me" ♫ 

♥ damn time stamps on llfe...:(

I was just having the most interesting conversation with Donald.... well somehow we always end up on some obscure heavy topic but yea...

So we're talking about swearing for loved ones and cheating.

I always remember my dad telling me that he hates to get involved in people's business. Often he knows things, and despite knowing he'd say nothing, and if you came and told him he would act like he doesn't know.... Because he chooses not to get involved or part-take. As it relates to relationships, he continued with his theory that if the couple is happy as they are, why ruin it? Many times, a relationship is going good for the most part, and some concerned third party brings news of an outside affair, and the relationship falls apart and both parties end up miserable and heart broken. Therefore, by bringing news - have you really done a good thing?

Now by no means am I saying that I condone cheating. I can't even directly say that I wouldn't want to know. I'm a strange individual. In my short history of relationships, cheating (on me) has been consistent. But I've also been a rather paranoid person as well. First time I was young and uncertain of what a relationship was and if I understood what it meant to be in one. Second time I had trust issues, 3rd party issues and the notion of cheating falls into an arguably grey overlapping area. And the last guy... stupes.. the last guy should not have happened to begin with. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and you're not the great sorcerer Merlin so you can't miraculously change it to a cute, lovable, fluffy puppy - there's just certain things you don't do. And in each situation, I walked. I was sad for a lil' while, but that didn't stop the block and delete from my life process that ensued. I'm great friends now with both of my ex-es (the ones that count as people worth noting) but that's after an extended period of them ceasing to exist in my mind.

Had I not found out? Would things be different?

First of all, if you wanna be a player you have to know to play the game. Neither party really knew what they were doing, left enough traces unintentionally uncovered. And I have a way of finding things out. But let's say either was meticulous. That I wasn't distrustful or potentially unhappy... Let's assume that I was beaming from cheek to cheek almost everyday. Ok... so I was sometimes... That I was the best gf I could be, and treated my bf with respect, trust, etc... And they treated me similarly. There were no real foreseeable issues. Nothing that would make me remotely suspect a single thing.

And I know relationships like this... where the guy undergoes meticulous effort to cover every single base and have at least 3 circumstantially valid pre-planted potential "hunny I told you about this before..." explanations. The girl is happy. The guy is happy. (This is a very generalized he, her, him, girl, boy, guy now...not meant to be taken as an actual individual per se but an example) He doesn't cheat for lack of love and respect. He cheats because he can actually. Perhaps, because he thinks so highly of his gf that he doesn't want to do certain things with her because he doesn't want to see her in a too dirty light. Perhaps, because it's a long distance relationship.

He carefully chooses a cheating partner to eliminate the potential of information slippage... Reinforces the purely physical aspect of the "relationship" and that no one would take the place of his gf, especially not the cheat partner.

However, regardless the reason... The girl is happy in her ignorance. He's an integral part of her world. Helps her to be a better person.. all that good stuff. Likewise, the guy loves the girl to bits and pieces and shows her every chance he can - but cheats on the down low. Takes the time and effort to do it in such a way that her character is not compromised... or vice versa...

Now the third party comes in to do a favor and tell the trusting girl that her happy bubble needs prompt popping. The bubble gets popped, and all parties end up miserable. Or... in some instances, the couple look beyond it, forgive the cheating party and move on beyond the incident.

What would be the point? The value of such? If the people are happy in their existing situation, why should you get involved? What's in darkness will come to light eventually.. and if it doesn't, then oh well - it wasn't meant to.

By no means am I saying that I condone cheating... I'm just saying... If you know, chances are they probably do too... And if they don't know, is it really your part to get involved?



***

And as we continued the convo with regards to your value as a person in the relationship and stuff. I have mixed views. I'm opinionated, stubborn and sometimes...or most times.. in certain situations.. uncompromising unless I can be convinced that my stance is founded on false premises and yours is plausible.

I'm learning to try to always remember your value as a partner in any relationship. Be it a friendship, romance, etc. Everyone brings something to the table. If you're doing your part, being the best friend, gf, bf, whatever... that you could be sincerely and the other party is taking it for granted or decides they should want to leave. Let them.

Always remember your value. In the end, most times, they realize what they've lost and would come back. Always think of yourself, and everyone in your life as special and treat them accordingly. Everyone is special. And... if you lose any of those ones... you'd be losing a good thing. And most likely, you'd live to regret it.

I've had people list me as regrets (of having lost). My ex-es did say as much post-breakup, years later... I've had friends that have said as much as well (of course on a platonic level). Likewise, I have my list of people I regret losing that I ponder from time to time. I have moments where I re-think breakups... and I can't think of a person more absolute than me when I start to walk, so pride alone stops me from turning back after all my huffing and puffing.

Anyways... it's getting late and I'm forgetting the point of this post.

In conclusion, the main points I hope I made was that.. while cheating is not a good thing and should not be condoned, ignorance does equal bliss sometimes. And cheating doesn't necessarily mean you don't love the person - it could simply mean you're momentarily distracted by a shiney, new toy so to speak. Also, never forget your value as a person or ever forget you're special regardless, and treat others accordingly.

Shelli out.

After an overly melodramatic evening, I woke up this morning with a firm decision to give this optimism thing another go. I kept telling everyone they must take control of their lives; stop behaving as if things just keep happening to them and they have no control over any aspect of it, not even how they react to it. I kept speaking of keeping a positive attitude regardless of the circumstance but at the same time I failed to be the poster child for positivity.

Anyways, I woke up this morning with the echoes of my own words 'think positive, and don't worry, cuz you'll stop the opportunities from presenting themselves.'

Thus far, my day has been a little short of a dream (that is how I know I'm still grounded in reality *wink*). When you walk with purpose you collide with destiny. When you walk with certainty, the universe has but no option but give you what you want... especially when you make it clear there is no other option.

I surprised myself... After walking around expecting the worst, I got my first full-fledged all encompassing A on my Lit midterm essays. Granted, the essays are worth less than the midterm paper which I have yet to write.... But it's still an assignment in and of itself, and I got an A. I arrived late for the exam, I rushed through the essays, I barely finished any of my conclusions, I mis-wrote my citations and had to end up looking through the text IN the exam to find them and it took up so much time and..... I got a 96..! I am... pleasantly surprised. That really did set my day off on an awesome note... And the irony is, I was thinking about how nice my teacher is and that I should probably get her a card at the end of the semester (because you don't stumble across nice/good teachers very often).

Now... I'm feeling slightly more enthused. Now... it means there's a possibility that my History paper that I finished the morning it was due and suffered no sleep to complete... could be an A too... OoOooh how nice that would be. *clasps hands together gleefully with a childlike grin*

Now I'm going to get back to work... Now that my confidence in my writing has been restored with a meagre essay (lol) I feel competent enough to assist my friend... since they want my help with their paper.

***

So I've found myself in this same position sitting before the laptop several times for the year thus far. My fingers hovering indecisively over the keyboards, my thoughts swirling so fast it's almost as if they are reduced to nothingness and cease to be. The difference between then and now; the difference that ends this hiatus, is my decision to end it.

If we wait for inspiration, it may never come, thus making it an indefinite period of waiting. We must therefore start, and let inspiration come to you. I've made a point to start painting and writing again. A slow start... I've abandoned my first painting effort but I've found inspiration in my second effort... I need to get a frame to stretch my canvas though... but I'm making it work. I shall call this piece "Sunset in my veins" ... mm hmm... perfect.

And I'm going to try and get this running again... before my writing abilities depart from me...




So all of a sudden recently I've been feeling this reluctant spiritual calling. Not because I need saving... I'm not even sure why, but my spirit is unsettled and it doesn't seem to stay settled long enough to keep me content. I guess I have too many questions and too little answers for it to be settled...... anyways.....

....Today, after (admittedly) playing dodge ball with campus "group Bible studies", my friend E. and I found ourselves sitting at the table (since all the other tables were occupied and we were just too lazy to make the rounds again) with the study group.

Low and behold I felt like myself again.... for all the wrong reasons.

When it comes to religion, I've always been on a curious course of 'seeking the truth' but never fully succeeding in following through with all this seeking. In the end, I end up just living my life, and trying to live within the rules of what I think is right and wrong.

The irony is, the discussion I found myself in just reminded me of all the reasons I find myself hesitant about these kind of dealings. I found myself following along with the reading of a pre-selected scripture. The second I settled and thought to myself '...hey this is just what I was looking for, oooo a sign from 'God'..." the leader makes a comment. And that's how it ended, or began. Somehow I always seem to stumble across poor examples of religious people when I have these moments of serious pondering... Religion needs to pick better ambassadors.

So the scripture was selected. I vaguely remember where it was from... I'm not going to lie and say I read the Bible because I don't. Atleast, not often enough for it to qualify as reading. Nuntheless, I know enough because of the amount of people I have around me who are always quoting scripture readings and finding parallels to draw between it and their own lives. Anyways.. enough digression.

So back on course. The scripture selected was about having 'the word' as your rock and being like a builder, building your foundation on something solid as opposed to sand. The purpose of this scripture, however, in my interpretation based on the consequent events was merely to open the doors to criticize other people. This kind of Bible-using behaviour annoys me. This just reminds me of the slave masters who just kept finding scriptures to justify their inhumane enslavement of other people a couple hundred years back. (if I'm to pick just one example)

Soooooo.... My Bible-study-session-cum-gossip-table-with-Bible-citations was actually to open the doors to criticize a congregation sprinkled with adulterers. Apparently, the guy wants to leave or left the church because of that and felt a compulsion to share this knowledge with us and impart judgment on the situation.... Perhaps, he wanted a cookie for this? As things progressed I realized he saw the situation in black and white. The person is wrong, they need to repent or go to hell. And.... to make matters worse, he said that the few people engaged in such activities are "like yeast in bread - they will blow up into the whole church and corrupt it."

These kind of situations annoy me. I'm not saying what the people are doing is right. But,

a) who gives him the right to judge them?

b) As a Christian, he is supposed to do what Jesus would do or something of the sort right? (WWJD?) Therefore, if I recall correctly, Jesus did say he isn't here for the righteous... Since he knows better, and no one else is doing anything about the situation, and he feels so strongly about it.... why doesn't he find a tactful way to address the matter without calling names or being insultive? Try to understand the root of the problem and help the persons in question understand the error of their ways?

c) This whole yeast in bread analogy... now really? Your faith is supposed to be on a solid foundation... doesn't that say that your faith is weak, if someone else cheating on their spouse makes you feel like cheating? Because I associate with someone who does something doesn't necessarily mean I will do it too. The likelihood of my engaging in whatever activity increases... but that depends on how strong minded and confident I am within and of myself.. How strong my faith... my resolve...

d) Lastly... I've learned that there are generally layers to most problems. Granted, crazy people walk amongst us all the time. But I don't believe the majority of people are crazy, and even the crazy people have a method to their madness... How can you judge someone when you're not living their lives? You don't know what they're going through and what has led them to take the paths that they have taken right or wrong... and if you don't know the root of the problem, can you truly help?

This reminds me of a movie I'm sure I already wrote about called "Boy A". Its a paradigm example to illustrate what I'm really trying to get at...

In it, the long short, 2 boys kill a little girl at a very very young age - very gruesome murder. They're sentenced to life (I think) then the courts decide to reduce the sentence. One boy gets murdered (implied) by the parents of the girl. The other boy is released back into society under a new name and identity in his late teens.

As the movie rolls on, you see the gruesome murder BUT you also see the traumatic lives of the boys. What they did wasn't right, but.... they reacted the only way they knew how to considering the abuse they were suffering in their lives at the hands of the people that's supposed to be taking care of them. They reacted to the girl's goading which was quite condescending... The boys were of a lower class and a bit eccentric and she was insulting them.

The boy that returned back to society did feel remorse, really was making an effort to be a good person... However, the jealousy of his friend's (parole officer?) wayward son, over how much care and concern he had for the boy, led to the deliberate revelation of the boy's identity. During the course of the film, the boy also rescues a little girl in an accident... he's really trying to make amends. However, people are judgmental despite their less-than-perfect lives. They judge him based on face value of what he has done and actually don't care about rehabilitating him. He ends up killing himself in the end. It's easy to pass judgment on an isolated situation, it takes more humane compassion to care enough to figure out why and help fix the problem - before it really does permeate through the society......

....but the question is, who decides our fate? Do you have the right to judge someone because of what they've done? Is sin not sin, simply? Or... are there different levels by which sin, that is supposed to be universally unacceptable, becomes acceptable? And... where do we draw the line of the double standard?


***

I'm sleepy...


Shelli reinvented.
Shelli out.
*curtsy bow*

I know I promised a post... I know I promised myself an awesome post... BUT I got caught up painting and I've been super tired. I had two Biology quizzes (Monday and today), a Political Science exam (yesterday), and a Business exam coming up on Friday. It's been hectic...

However, I will make a special concerted effort to write my post that I wanted to do today, tomorrow before the ideas leave my mind.

Oh. I found the most blissful song by Dido. It's called 'See you when you're 40'. I shall post the lyrics and the video at the end of this post, if you're so interested in hearing/reading the lyrics. It's calming and self-explanatory. It's one of those post-event songs where she realizes and sees for the first time all the real flaws that existed, without the hopeful glasses altering her vision.

It made me smile. Dido was tonight's inspirational painting music.

My progress thus far...



At the end, it's going to be two lily flowers in a pond/swamp. The motivation for this piece is based on some ideas I've been posting recently, ie, life is but a swamp with lilies. Or rather, we should aspire to be like lilies in this life. A lily grows despite the ugliness that surrounds it and blossoms into a beautiful flower. We too, like the lily, should make an effort to not bend to the world's evil ways, and strive to be good, and blossom like the lily despite the adversities faced on this journey.

This piece has been taking longer than expected. I started it over the weekend, and I didn't like how it was coming out. However, for the mere fact that I'm doing it on canvas, and I don't want to "waste" a whole canvas sheet... I decided to slow down and take my time. It's not a race...right?

When finished it's going to be my largest oil painting thus far (18 x 24) and also my first painting, oil or acrylic, on canvas since I've been in the States. I have a few oil pieces on canva-paper... and I've been trying to make a special effort to diligently upload pics of my work.

Check it out if you get a chance... My artwork collection blog is called 'I Hope You Take a Piece of Me with You..." and I'm willing to do commissions... If you know someone or you personally would like something done... don't hesitate to email me or something. ( shell.e@gmail.com)

Well, before this post becomes much longer than initially intended and its length registers in my brain... and I start to rationalize typing my original post at this ridiculous hour... I shall depart.

Muah.
G'nite NY & Grenada... and where ever else my readers are from.
Shelli out.



"See you when you're 40" Dido

I've driven round in circles for three hours
It was bound to happen that I'd end up at your
I temporarily forgot there's better days to come
I thought that I would give it just one more chance

Cos' I want, tonight, what I've been waiting for
But I found, tonight, what I'd been warned about

You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special
All energy no meaning, with a lot of words
So paper thin that one real feeling, could knock you down

And I've seen, tonight, what I'd been warned about
I'm gonna leave, tonight, before I change my mind

So see me when your 40, lost and all alone
being comforted by strangers you'll never need to know
not sad because you lost me
but sad because you thought it was cool to be sad

You think misery will make you stand apart from the crowd
well if you had walked past me today I wouldn't have picked you out
I wouldn't have picked you out

now I've seen, tonight, how I could waste my time
and I'll be on my way, and I won't be back
cos I've seen, tonight, what I've been warned about
your just a boy, not a man, and I'm not coming back