Don't play with it

Hindsight is 20/20... And I didn't understand it either.

I left the me I used to be...

And it's beginning to get to me...

But sweet surrender,

This is not what you seem to think it is. You know, those relationships where people are supportive and caring? The occasional teasing offset by the continuous flow of love in its numerous forms? The aww.... there goes a cute couple type?

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written." 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.. 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.. 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. 22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?' 27. Always choose life. 28. Forgive everyone everything. 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 33. Believe in miracles. 34.. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. 36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. 37. Your children get only one childhood. 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back. 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 42. The best is yet to come. 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 44. Yield. 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Ok so my Digi issues have been resolved. Turns out that I wasn't even fully post-paid under my dad's network so I got charged for calls to him also.... But they've fixed the problem and I shall be compensated for my inconvenience.

First of all.... I just came off my tagged.com profile. I remember when Dia was here for summer it came up and we were talking about all how all the real freaks that miss facebook and hi5 land there. I hardly have anything on my account but one pic and some vague personal details YET I have a bunch of friend requests in my inbox. So I add them, because like I hardly pay them mind anyways... no need for too much discrimination.

I. Want. To. Go. Out. Grrrrrr.....

You know things are bad when it's only midnight and you resort to blogging after being MIA for months... or atleast it feels like it's been months since I've posted proper.

You also know its bad when you're so restless that you re-sign online after midnight, after shutting down your pc 15 minutes prior, onto your 100+ contact list IM account where there is always someone on. And funnily enough you picked the one night when the rest of the world is tired and decidedly gone to bed early but you, oh genius... spent the entire day sleeping to escape reality to only for it to catch up with you in the moment the world is most silent and you're most awake with your own thoughts.

I stumbled across a photo online the other day that had scribbled on it how you only realize how lonely the night is when you're the only one up, can't fall asleep, constantly thinking and then comes the moment when you stop thinking and you're just silent... and the dawning realization sets in.

So the thoughts have stopped. Now it's just me, the crickets and the occasional passing vehicle on the main road. Stupes.

I want to sleep. I want to be so tired that my eyes are closing down on me and the second my head hits the sheets I'm out... So I can get up early in the morning and get my business sorted.

I spent the whole of today letting things happen to me and being bothered by it. Two cheers for a pity party. Now that that's over, and a day has been wasted on "going with that feeling" and "appreciating that anger/annoyance" (lol) I dedicate today, Friday, July 24th as the day that magic happens.

I really need to start getting my business in order. Tomorrow I shall do up the rest of goals to cover the rest of the year. My 6 month goals have been covered more or less I believe.

Got my GPA up. Moved out and *gasp* survived on my own. Decided on my majors (twice). Re-applied, transferred out and got accepted to another university. Sounds like progress, feels like progress... just isn't happening as quickly as I would envision it to...

But then again, I'm known for many things, but patience isn't one of them.

My new game plan for the rest of the year involves the potential of getting a job, because this full-time student with parental cash flow isn't working too righteous. It also covers trying to get my GPA up even higher because I think it's just laziness that's keeping it down now... And learning some patience.


OOoOo so there's nothing more petrifying like moving back home. Ooo the joys of uncertainty and the fear of the unknown intermingled with everything you ran away from. Yay. Well, everyone has to face down their demons some time? I say, it's better to deal with it now... than deal with it later. And fear is no reason to run in the opposite direction.

And lack of understanding from others isn't a reason either. So long as I get it, I figure that's what matters for now. Everyone else can catch up with me eventually.

On an aside, my skin feels strangely tender. And as usual, googling symptoms is always the perfect way to freak yourself out. Anyways, it's not the first time.. and the doctors says it's nothing.. Infact one online told someone with similar symptoms that it's stress/anxiety related and not due to any dire internal problem. I'll just... see what happens.

Now,
For the coup de gras.......

There is none.
But I shall make another, what feels like a futile effort, to fall back asleep.
DeUcEs...
Shelli out

***

It's finally ending. Thank God. School's finally almost done. I'm tired. It's been an exhausting year. Took me all this time to realize I'm a paradox, feeling nothing and everything at the same time. Learning to deal... whatever. I have a headache. I will have to finish this up later.. I.. I.. I..

Too many 'I's

I'm going to paint.

C'est tout.
Au revoir.
Shelli

I concede....... I am not as invincible as I previously thought I was... I guess in all fairness I kind of looked for it too... After months of telling people how I survived my first winter pretty well and never got sick once, etc etc.... I walked in the rain with Enda to prove a "the rain doesn't make you sick but if there are pollutants in it..." point and... now I have the cold. humph..

The good news is, it's leaving. The bad news is I still feel slightly delirious. The worse news is, I have piles of school work to do.

*sigh* I think I'm getting a fever because my skin hurts...

***

On the bright side yesterday was Spring Fling or Bling or whatever they call it... I was still sick, it started to rain, the line for the free food was wayyyyy long... BUT I must say that the DJ was decent... and I wanted to do the Boulder Dash thingy in the bouncy castle and rock climb... but yea. Stupid rain and cold. Hmph.

And tonight the Caribbean Students Association is hosting a party 'Temptations' (I think) and Beenie Man is supposed to be performing... and Dia and I are going. Hopefully it would be good, I don't know what kind of party starts at 5 and finishes at 11...? It's broad daylight until like 8..? How could it start so early..??

Anyways, sick people shouldn't be on the comp. for long periods... especially when they can't think up a proper eventful coherent post to type... sooo..

Shelli out.
Ciaoz

On the brink of losing everything
I close my eyes to ease my despair
but i already witnessed the spirals in the air
uncontrollable and terrifying
helpless and debilitating.
Wordless,
I am
for I can't make a sound.
Any sound I fear would make it worse.
The right words...
I know not what they are.
I would reach out
it's just wind
but this wind is fast moving and scorches with a betrayal
ignited from mere perception
Faultless,
for the assumption is fair...
But that doesn't calm the inner turmoil
from the bitter taste of misunderstanding
and it's inability of resolve itself
without making it worse.
The closest I've ever been
I withdraw
feel the tension within
and just look on
as the tears begin to well
as my body begins to tremble
and feel my inner cynic whisper
'it doesn't matter what you do
or what you say
it's the same as it's always been
inevitably beyond what you can handle
inevitably beyond what you can reach
forever elusive
like a tease'

You
Keep out
Chocolate
under my view
Habitually
Carefree like free spirits.

***

You are,
my favourite complexity
which is addicting like an enigma
that i can't just let go of.
Humbling at the same time...
Like stepping off an edge
into the realm of uncertainty
And feeling the pull of curiosity and promise
I step forward with a touch of fear.
A touch of fear because
In the darkness lies potential bones
of the corpses of past mistakes
waiting to be tripped over
debilitating, mocked naivety.

Yet instincts and trust
pave an uncanny path
which i cannot see
but i can feel
the allure,
the promise
of a security
and kindling a hope of something more.
As i pause momentarily
the feeling engulfs
and i start to remember
what it was like to want;
reciprocated.
And that is scary too...

Somehow the darkness perceived
Is a misgiving perception
Of vision through tarnished lens.
Fortunately,
with fumbling in darkness
vision becomes unnecessary luxury.
Why see what I can feel?
Why doubt what my spirit trusts?
Implicitly, perhaps not
For the bones still linger in the backgrounds of my mind...
But I feel the warmth of light
Welcoming and soothing to my soul
like a kindred spirit approaching.
Perhaps delusional thoughts,
Perhaps delusional feelings,
But right now,
It feels right.
Took long enough to trust my instincts,
And if I'm wrong,
I'll just call it a lesson learned.

Throwback post...?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

If people want to walk out of your life - let them go.

spent most of last night...dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out, the jokes on you
he is salt and you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you into the worst situations
i'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat
-"My heart is the worst kind of weapon" FOB

[...skipped a summer part on shopping...]

***

Saturday was the closing of a chapter.

Officially, it was the last day of summer. Last day because public transport doesn't run on Sunday and Monday.

The four of us went to the beach. It was delightful.

Me and Sher laid in the sand along the shore, chatted randomly. Shamz was taking pics. Ru laying on the sand by our bags.

In a way, that day indeed felt like an end to something. There was an edge of finality to everything about it. Whether the four of us chose to acknowledge it... or not.

Whether the finalty lies within that of the end of summer... or the end of the time when we are young, first time out of school and not employed. The sort of innocence and naivety that lies within that period thats soon to end. Or maybe, who knows, a disintegration of the foursome itself.

The chapter concluded with this weird path in the sky. How's that for irony. I wonder who's path it is... whether it was a metaphor for the four of us being on the same path.. or maybe realizing our paths... who knows.

It was delightful and calming. I liked it. Happy days.

*********

your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
...
now i'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me
...
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing on your bedroom windows ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to...is nothing more than collateral damage
-"My heart is the worst kind of weapon" FOB

*does courtesy bow*
*waves*
ciao.

Posted by Shells :: 11:53 AM

This guy just cracks me up
Ron says (7:52 PM):
*is your cell phone off?
Shelli... says (7:53 PM):
*no s
*:S
*my minutes are done
*all i have are nite minutes
Ron says (7:54 PM):
*oh
*you have a predpaid phone?
Shelli... says (7:54 PM):
*yea
Ron says (7:54 PM):
*i called and some guy in a stern message said "the subscriber you are trying to reach is not taking calls at this time. click"
*haha
Ron says (7:55 PM):
*like hes mad at you
*or me

*sigh*

Doing what needs to be done because it wouldn't get done otherwise. I am too lazy for my own good, and I know I was lazy before but ..... this is a gradual progression into a life never intended.

So... I'm back to writing lists and scheduling my time in. By the end of today, my paper will be half way complete or at the very least, commenced. I shall attempt economics homework... And... I will paint.

Proper update later.
Spring is here.
It's cool outside.

***

They say that deep down, everyone knows what's best for them - even if they don't want to admit it to themselves. You can tell from the very inception whether something will work or not, from the mere core intuition of it all, but there's almost nothing greater than denial. And it's our reluctance to admit what's wrong and learn to let go that keeps us holding on trying to make something work. Trying to fit a triangle into a circle.

We are the gatekeepers to our own happiness. Our own prison wardens. Sometimes, life is that simple - we just complicate it. Sometimes it really could just be either, or. And you just follow through and try not to regret it because... to cop that cliche, have no regrets because whatever you did at that point in time was exactly what you wanted. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.. I'm just trying things out, seeing what works but for the first time. In a long time. It feels right, uncertain, but right. I'm not saying my decisions won't be mistakes, I don't know the outcomes... but what's important is that it feels like the right decisions. And thats peaceful in and of itself.

I've been bouncing back and forth indecisively trying to figure out who I am and what paths I am choosing for myself...and every day, funnily enough, I grow more confused yet at the same time I'm worrying less and less. I'm learning that the answers unfold before your eyes if you just give it time - just wait and be patient.

I've been reflecting upon the different friends I've met and what my Lit prof said about solipsism, and how we are all mirrors of ourselves. We all reflect images of each other, a little fragment... Free will isn't as free as we think, nor are our identities... It's shaped and influenced and balanced off by everything around us.. Perhaps, nature's little manipulation. Nuntheless, everything works out in the end. All the puzzle pieces fit eventually. Nothing is static in nature, it's fluid... like oil rolling off of... I don't even know what. But it sounds nice.. has more constitution than water...

Anyways... there comes a point when the most absurd thing is what works. You can't stop and think about it. You can't always analyze it. You stop, and trust that where ever you are, whatever you are doing, whom ever you are with is happening in this exact moment, for a completely valid reason. One that you don't know yet... one thats a part of the bigger picture of the bigger picture that we are all a part of.

"Therefore, live every day as if it's the first day of your life. The only day that isn't, is the day that you die."

Relax. And quit pretending. Just be.... and live.....!

Everything that is meant to happen... eventually does.

Also, embrace your weirdness.. Like Bette Midler says, cherish forever what makes you unique, for without it - you are a just a yawn.

And, I'd rather be anything, than ordinary, please.

I love my eccentricities.

Everyone should see that movie... "American Beauty"

It's just.. a lovely piece of literature caught on film.

And... I'd rather be anything, than ordinary please.

Shelli out.

Ughh... I wanna paint but its 4 in the morning...! I'm going to get up at 6 .. yes yes... that I will do.

*wink*

So it's the first day of the fourth month and fortunately enough, everyone in my life is way too busy to try and pull pranks on me.

I got my History paper back - I got an A. I got my Literature paper back, and along with the whole class, I have sentence by sentence edits... *mutter grumble mutter* To do over the paper for next Tuesday because she wants us to become better writers and such... which is awesome... but I don't wanna write this paper over and polish it up.. chuts.

So finally I've decided to sit back and relax while I watch before me as things complicate themselves without my involvement. Somehow, I find myself in the midst of sheer confused minds... and each day that passes things seemingly become less certain, more comedic - except it fails to tickle my funny bone most of the time, and fragile. And each day they seem to get a little closer to touch the outskirts of insanity.

So now... I've fully exhausted myself with trying to know. Before I walk back into a historical repetition and get caught up in a matrix...I realize I have a bad habit of forming my own conclusions and stubbornly holding onto it.. but this time, I'm just going to relax and observe... and yea, I'm finally learning how to do that. No over analyzing or under analyzing.

*sigh* I don't know anymore...

Wait...wait... that's a lie... I know what I want... Recently I've been majoring in "knowing what I want" I just wish the people around me did so we could move forward, be it united or separate... Some things are worth the fight. Some things it's better to spare yourself the trouble and leave it alone, because its just not worth it... and other things fall into that alluring "unattainable" category of no matter how hard you try, it'll always be just out of reach, just not meant for you.

It's just a matter of patience and intuition to decipher it. Pity, neither are in my repertoire of virtues.

***

Life Lesson #10: People are never truly confused... and
Life Lesson # 11: it is true that sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same...
Life Lesson #12: Every decision has a consequence.. and it's impossible to know in absolute certainty that any given decision is the right one... but all we can do, is pick a decision, stand by it, and brace yourself for the consequences...
Life Lesson #13: I don't have to know everything. Ignorance can be bliss.
Life Lesson #14: Being honest is just wayyy easier than building mental walls to keep people out.

There is nothing like searching for an old post to force you to go through your collected thoughts. All I was looking for was one post, one oh so simple post on confusion... I didn't find it but what I found was questions and answers in a complexed format. I realized with all this moving (to a new country, school, life...etc) in many ways I'm just running in the same circles but on a larger scale. I discovered I'm smarter than I think I am, lol, funnily enough that is. I foresaw, foreshadowed, interpreted some pretty sad things that I wish I didn't... and I completely forgot until I read what I wrote and remembered that I did know then what I know now, and I wasn't strong enough to stop it then... and I acted too slowly to stop it now.

Anyways, like Martin Carter said '...You change with the change that changes you, yet you remain unchanged..."

I found a funny quote on "Sun kisses rain on me for the love of irony" from a convo between me and a friend Vegar in May 2006...




Thank God, at least some things change...for the better... It's no longer impracticals... and I'm content..almost like a Cheshire cat.




Sooo... about confusion. I believe, if my memory serves me right, I spent a good chunk of my recent history (last couple of years) being confused. My most famous catch phrase was "I don't know" or "I'm confused." After being chastised so many times for it... I finally decided to try to break the cycle for living in confusion is most frustrating. So I adopted a flip a coin mentality until I found myself flipping the coin till I got the desired answer I was looking for and rationalizing and altering the number of flips....

...which led me to realize that people are never really truly confused. In order to be flipping until satisfied must mean I know what I would ideally like...People know what they want. Knowing what they want isn't the issue. People aren't confused about emotions/feelings... they just don't want to admit it - there's a difference. People are aware of what they want and the consequences. Confusion, if it should be called that, occurs when you don't know which choice is the right choice to make.

This year has been the most decisive year thus far. Things have been happening much more quickly than I get a chance to do my usual over-analysis. Instead I'm learning to have a new appreciation to Frank Sinatra's song "My way."

I find myself doing a special kind of tight rope walking that's strange and new... and I'm already terrified of heights... but it's just one foot in front of the other, no rushing.. Baby steps, but they feel like progress.

I've learned, or am learning to master, the art of making a decision and standing by it, be it right, be it wrong... It is my victory to have, my mistake to make... and I'd at least have the ability to say in the end, atleast, I did it my way...

With the help of a friend I was able to come up with a near-fool proof way to make quick, easy decisions with small things and avoid getting caught up... simply ask myself 'Does this change anything? And, if yes, what would it change?" If it is relevant, I decide whether it would be progressive or a hindrance and.... seeing that I'm desirous of only forward movements right now......... and if it is irrelevant, it gets dismissed.

I've learned, from another darling friend, that there's beauty in not knowing everything. When certain topics up, he would just say he doesn't want to know... and at first it through me off... and then I remembered my dad has a similar philosophy. It's not important to know everything... and it's less important to know unimportant things that are negative and could be reduced to gossip... and since finally grasping this concept of 'not wanting to know', life has become simpler. Now I find myself saying the same words, and finding myself less stressed.

Also, I've learnt to be more straightforward. No more lyrical lines to hide behind, or cloaked metaphors.... It's much easier to just say what you mean to say and want to say, and just get it over with. It dramatically cuts down the b.s. time wasted. Again, simplifying life by resolving issues quicker and reducing all the mental hypothesizing.. which leaves time to do more important things like - sleep.

***

So now that my midterms are coming to an end... my brain is starting to pick back up (lol)... I've realized that...

• a)Happiness is a choice (more like I reminded myself of this one).
• b)I do not need to have all the answers and know everything... nor do I need to.
• c)Sometimes, it's not really you, it really is the other person. (and other times it really is you)
• d)There is merit in learning how to close doors... and by closing doors, that means close the doggie door, seal the windows, put sealant in the mouse holes, etc etc... It gives you a chance to give yourself a chance again... a proper chance. And besides, what is meant to be will be... It doesn't make sense reveling in a situation that isn't working and holding onto it, hoping that it will change... You can't let go, by holding on. It just doesn't work that way.
• e)Sometimes you just need to know that the other person wants it enough... just as much as you do. And that knowledge is enough to get you through..
• f)You could be right, you could be wrong. It's easier to apologize for making a mistake than it is to spend quality time debating whether it's worth it... If you're looking for a sign, this is it... take it, trust it, and it will be amazing regardless the outcome. No one ever leaves any situation empty handed... there's always a lesson learned.

And... that collectively, all of the above provides the answers to ease confusion. Well.. my confusion.


***



Shelli out.
Muah! Kiss kiss.

Life Lesson # 9 : Expect to find fair weather friends... and sometimes they're the ones you least expect.... and expect to discover who they are at the time you find least desirable.

After an overly melodramatic evening, I woke up this morning with a firm decision to give this optimism thing another go. I kept telling everyone they must take control of their lives; stop behaving as if things just keep happening to them and they have no control over any aspect of it, not even how they react to it. I kept speaking of keeping a positive attitude regardless of the circumstance but at the same time I failed to be the poster child for positivity.

Anyways, I woke up this morning with the echoes of my own words 'think positive, and don't worry, cuz you'll stop the opportunities from presenting themselves.'

Thus far, my day has been a little short of a dream (that is how I know I'm still grounded in reality *wink*). When you walk with purpose you collide with destiny. When you walk with certainty, the universe has but no option but give you what you want... especially when you make it clear there is no other option.

I surprised myself... After walking around expecting the worst, I got my first full-fledged all encompassing A on my Lit midterm essays. Granted, the essays are worth less than the midterm paper which I have yet to write.... But it's still an assignment in and of itself, and I got an A. I arrived late for the exam, I rushed through the essays, I barely finished any of my conclusions, I mis-wrote my citations and had to end up looking through the text IN the exam to find them and it took up so much time and..... I got a 96..! I am... pleasantly surprised. That really did set my day off on an awesome note... And the irony is, I was thinking about how nice my teacher is and that I should probably get her a card at the end of the semester (because you don't stumble across nice/good teachers very often).

Now... I'm feeling slightly more enthused. Now... it means there's a possibility that my History paper that I finished the morning it was due and suffered no sleep to complete... could be an A too... OoOooh how nice that would be. *clasps hands together gleefully with a childlike grin*

Now I'm going to get back to work... Now that my confidence in my writing has been restored with a meagre essay (lol) I feel competent enough to assist my friend... since they want my help with their paper.

***

***




***

"I apologize"
Oscar Brown Jr.



***

I had mid-terms this week. And no... I don't want to talk about it.
My eyes hurt...
I think I might be catching something...
Shelli out.

Whoever said change is never a waste of time is an idiot?

I don't know who could possibly find enjoyment in the uncertainty in the gap space between each transition. It's like jumping across a platform but pondering in the single moment in between the possibility of not landing your jump. And ... Somehow, it's in those gap spaces that Murphy's law tends to apply most.

***


Life Lesson #8 : Change happens whether you like/want/need/hate it or not.

So standing in that little gray area that seems to be my temporary place of residence as everything is up for analysis... I'm not even certain to what extent I trust my own opinions because I've been around long enough and lived through enough repeated instances to finally learn that....

....Sometimes my opinion isn't actually the most objective one, especially the closer the situation relates to me. I realize that the closer something gets to one the more it's justified and rationalized into something else, something more acceptable because perhaps, it just hurts to see it any other way.

I also realize I'm not going to change this way of thinking anytime very soon, although I sincerely think I'm trying.

Sometimes, you just want something so badly you're willing to put a (couple) extra coating of gloss of the picture just to distract you from the flaws in the image. You're willing to look at the "bigger picture" and conceptualize that someday it shall manifest itself into reality.

I remember once hearing that sometimes we try to hold together what God is trying to pull apart. We ignore the red flags, avert our gazes and continue to carry on a pretense. When the inevitable happens and the situation becomes impossible to ignore we revert to depression and disorientation because "we can't possibly understand how it happened...how could we have missed the signs..?!" etc etc, yea yea yea.

You know how something gets explained to you and it makes near perfect, plausible sense in the moment of being said? Then you walk off, and think about it, and ...really and truly it hardly makes any real sense?

Sooo... now I'm wondering if I'm making the same mistakes again. Perhaps my attitude of tolerance needs to be adjusted because I'm ok with too much... Perhaps the situation at hand is as different as I think it is... Perhaps, they are all one and the same. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Only time will tell anyways... I'm so impatient. I think I shall invest in a lie detector. That'll make my job easier. I'll know when I'm lying to myself, and when others are lying to me.

And seeing that I know myself well enough to know I'm too lazy to bother to go on such a hunt... I know I'll end up doing what I always do - fortunately or unfortunately - waiting it out.

The only difference this time is that I've learned to ask questions, instead of just waiting around for the answers...

***

I'm so sleepy... I think I'll take a catnap before my next class.

Shelli out.

So I've found myself in this same position sitting before the laptop several times for the year thus far. My fingers hovering indecisively over the keyboards, my thoughts swirling so fast it's almost as if they are reduced to nothingness and cease to be. The difference between then and now; the difference that ends this hiatus, is my decision to end it.

If we wait for inspiration, it may never come, thus making it an indefinite period of waiting. We must therefore start, and let inspiration come to you. I've made a point to start painting and writing again. A slow start... I've abandoned my first painting effort but I've found inspiration in my second effort... I need to get a frame to stretch my canvas though... but I'm making it work. I shall call this piece "Sunset in my veins" ... mm hmm... perfect.

And I'm going to try and get this running again... before my writing abilities depart from me...




So all of a sudden recently I've been feeling this reluctant spiritual calling. Not because I need saving... I'm not even sure why, but my spirit is unsettled and it doesn't seem to stay settled long enough to keep me content. I guess I have too many questions and too little answers for it to be settled...... anyways.....

....Today, after (admittedly) playing dodge ball with campus "group Bible studies", my friend E. and I found ourselves sitting at the table (since all the other tables were occupied and we were just too lazy to make the rounds again) with the study group.

Low and behold I felt like myself again.... for all the wrong reasons.

When it comes to religion, I've always been on a curious course of 'seeking the truth' but never fully succeeding in following through with all this seeking. In the end, I end up just living my life, and trying to live within the rules of what I think is right and wrong.

The irony is, the discussion I found myself in just reminded me of all the reasons I find myself hesitant about these kind of dealings. I found myself following along with the reading of a pre-selected scripture. The second I settled and thought to myself '...hey this is just what I was looking for, oooo a sign from 'God'..." the leader makes a comment. And that's how it ended, or began. Somehow I always seem to stumble across poor examples of religious people when I have these moments of serious pondering... Religion needs to pick better ambassadors.

So the scripture was selected. I vaguely remember where it was from... I'm not going to lie and say I read the Bible because I don't. Atleast, not often enough for it to qualify as reading. Nuntheless, I know enough because of the amount of people I have around me who are always quoting scripture readings and finding parallels to draw between it and their own lives. Anyways.. enough digression.

So back on course. The scripture selected was about having 'the word' as your rock and being like a builder, building your foundation on something solid as opposed to sand. The purpose of this scripture, however, in my interpretation based on the consequent events was merely to open the doors to criticize other people. This kind of Bible-using behaviour annoys me. This just reminds me of the slave masters who just kept finding scriptures to justify their inhumane enslavement of other people a couple hundred years back. (if I'm to pick just one example)

Soooooo.... My Bible-study-session-cum-gossip-table-with-Bible-citations was actually to open the doors to criticize a congregation sprinkled with adulterers. Apparently, the guy wants to leave or left the church because of that and felt a compulsion to share this knowledge with us and impart judgment on the situation.... Perhaps, he wanted a cookie for this? As things progressed I realized he saw the situation in black and white. The person is wrong, they need to repent or go to hell. And.... to make matters worse, he said that the few people engaged in such activities are "like yeast in bread - they will blow up into the whole church and corrupt it."

These kind of situations annoy me. I'm not saying what the people are doing is right. But,

a) who gives him the right to judge them?

b) As a Christian, he is supposed to do what Jesus would do or something of the sort right? (WWJD?) Therefore, if I recall correctly, Jesus did say he isn't here for the righteous... Since he knows better, and no one else is doing anything about the situation, and he feels so strongly about it.... why doesn't he find a tactful way to address the matter without calling names or being insultive? Try to understand the root of the problem and help the persons in question understand the error of their ways?

c) This whole yeast in bread analogy... now really? Your faith is supposed to be on a solid foundation... doesn't that say that your faith is weak, if someone else cheating on their spouse makes you feel like cheating? Because I associate with someone who does something doesn't necessarily mean I will do it too. The likelihood of my engaging in whatever activity increases... but that depends on how strong minded and confident I am within and of myself.. How strong my faith... my resolve...

d) Lastly... I've learned that there are generally layers to most problems. Granted, crazy people walk amongst us all the time. But I don't believe the majority of people are crazy, and even the crazy people have a method to their madness... How can you judge someone when you're not living their lives? You don't know what they're going through and what has led them to take the paths that they have taken right or wrong... and if you don't know the root of the problem, can you truly help?

This reminds me of a movie I'm sure I already wrote about called "Boy A". Its a paradigm example to illustrate what I'm really trying to get at...

In it, the long short, 2 boys kill a little girl at a very very young age - very gruesome murder. They're sentenced to life (I think) then the courts decide to reduce the sentence. One boy gets murdered (implied) by the parents of the girl. The other boy is released back into society under a new name and identity in his late teens.

As the movie rolls on, you see the gruesome murder BUT you also see the traumatic lives of the boys. What they did wasn't right, but.... they reacted the only way they knew how to considering the abuse they were suffering in their lives at the hands of the people that's supposed to be taking care of them. They reacted to the girl's goading which was quite condescending... The boys were of a lower class and a bit eccentric and she was insulting them.

The boy that returned back to society did feel remorse, really was making an effort to be a good person... However, the jealousy of his friend's (parole officer?) wayward son, over how much care and concern he had for the boy, led to the deliberate revelation of the boy's identity. During the course of the film, the boy also rescues a little girl in an accident... he's really trying to make amends. However, people are judgmental despite their less-than-perfect lives. They judge him based on face value of what he has done and actually don't care about rehabilitating him. He ends up killing himself in the end. It's easy to pass judgment on an isolated situation, it takes more humane compassion to care enough to figure out why and help fix the problem - before it really does permeate through the society......

....but the question is, who decides our fate? Do you have the right to judge someone because of what they've done? Is sin not sin, simply? Or... are there different levels by which sin, that is supposed to be universally unacceptable, becomes acceptable? And... where do we draw the line of the double standard?


***

I'm sleepy...


Shelli reinvented.
Shelli out.
*curtsy bow*

So, it's been an eventful Christmas holidays... Like a 'Dusk and Summer'.

***

She smiled in a big way, the way a girl like that smiles when the world is hers. Head tilted to the side, sparkling glimmer in her eyes tell of a playfulness on the brink of brimming over. Her small nymph-like frame, barely tall enough to tuck under my chin relaxes into my arms as the sky paints its own tale before both of our eyes.

It is a poetic moment. Poignant. It is the birth of something, and the conclusion of something else. I watch as her fingers distractedly trace random squiggly lines in the sand. The edge of the water inches closer to our toes, that are dug into the sand. The thoughts in my mind are anything but racing. They collide into each other as I desperately try to sort it all out. What is is the meaning of all this? How shall it sort itself out?

The pink hues seem slapped across the sky at random, teasing the orange in silent dares that they only understand. The sun is dipping lower... closer... the the water's edge. Ever notice how close it looks from here? If we just jumped on a boat and paddled in the direction, we'd be able to touch it. Bathe in its warmth like an old friend's embrace.

Another sun-soaked season fades away... And I am no closer, nor any further. I'm just..... sitting still... observing the flow of things... everything will sort itself out.

***

Shelli out