Don't play with it

Whoever said change is never a waste of time is an idiot?

I don't know who could possibly find enjoyment in the uncertainty in the gap space between each transition. It's like jumping across a platform but pondering in the single moment in between the possibility of not landing your jump. And ... Somehow, it's in those gap spaces that Murphy's law tends to apply most.

***


Life Lesson #8 : Change happens whether you like/want/need/hate it or not.

So standing in that little gray area that seems to be my temporary place of residence as everything is up for analysis... I'm not even certain to what extent I trust my own opinions because I've been around long enough and lived through enough repeated instances to finally learn that....

....Sometimes my opinion isn't actually the most objective one, especially the closer the situation relates to me. I realize that the closer something gets to one the more it's justified and rationalized into something else, something more acceptable because perhaps, it just hurts to see it any other way.

I also realize I'm not going to change this way of thinking anytime very soon, although I sincerely think I'm trying.

Sometimes, you just want something so badly you're willing to put a (couple) extra coating of gloss of the picture just to distract you from the flaws in the image. You're willing to look at the "bigger picture" and conceptualize that someday it shall manifest itself into reality.

I remember once hearing that sometimes we try to hold together what God is trying to pull apart. We ignore the red flags, avert our gazes and continue to carry on a pretense. When the inevitable happens and the situation becomes impossible to ignore we revert to depression and disorientation because "we can't possibly understand how it happened...how could we have missed the signs..?!" etc etc, yea yea yea.

You know how something gets explained to you and it makes near perfect, plausible sense in the moment of being said? Then you walk off, and think about it, and ...really and truly it hardly makes any real sense?

Sooo... now I'm wondering if I'm making the same mistakes again. Perhaps my attitude of tolerance needs to be adjusted because I'm ok with too much... Perhaps the situation at hand is as different as I think it is... Perhaps, they are all one and the same. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Only time will tell anyways... I'm so impatient. I think I shall invest in a lie detector. That'll make my job easier. I'll know when I'm lying to myself, and when others are lying to me.

And seeing that I know myself well enough to know I'm too lazy to bother to go on such a hunt... I know I'll end up doing what I always do - fortunately or unfortunately - waiting it out.

The only difference this time is that I've learned to ask questions, instead of just waiting around for the answers...

***

I'm so sleepy... I think I'll take a catnap before my next class.

Shelli out.