Just waiting for the bomb to drop

By 11:14 PM , ,

45 minutes to midnight...

And what am i doing?

I'm sitting on the floor, partially on the heel of one bent leg and my chin resting on top of the other knee that's upright. I was hunched over some law photocopies i made last year... Every page i turned, every word i looked at said "Shell, you know this... you can do this". Yeah, I'm sure i can. I just need to get my head on straight.

Once more i'm feeling that overwhelming feeling that feels a lot like i'm looking for an out. By an out, i mean, i'm looking for freedom. By looking for freedom, i mean, i'm trying to take a break and sort my mind out.

Sort out the priorities... put them in ascending order... I'm not confused, i'm just overwhelmed. Not in the way that would put the whole world to a halt, but in the way that would make my world spin horribly slower... Slower than i could possibly tolerate... Slower than i would like.

I just need a moment.. to breathe, stretch, shake it all off. Like i said sort through my priorities... There's just so many things i want to get on stream right now. So many things i want to get started. I look around me and i see people going so much faster, reaching their goals that much faster.

But i realize, not everyone shares the same goals.. Reaches their destinations at the same time.. Travels the same paths..

For once it feels like whilst i'm on the scenic route... and right now i'm crawling... It feels like i'm moving. For once, it feels like i'm moving... And as Shamz would say 'One must always be movin' and movin' for if you ain't movin' you ain't goin anywhere'... And whilst it's going slowly..

I'm gradually getting comfortable... and i'm crawling by myself.. and one must crawl before you can stand and walk right?

  • I want to get this art thing launched.
  • I want to get my Drama club launched.
  • I want to do well in this law exam, and hopefully, won't pay the price of my procrastination and all the fooling around i've done.
  • I want to be a more assertive teacher... and i want to come up with some brilliant plans to keep my kids interested... I hate walking around with this uncertainty, just feeling things out. I want to leave my kids with a passion for the subject... I want them to leave the classroom being touched as i have by all the teachers i have sat before... I want them to walk into this world filled with so much hope and inspiration that they confidently step forward and embrace each obstacle they encounter... i want them to be empowered... Is that too much?
  • I want to manage my time better.
  • I want to eat much healthier than i do.
  • I want to develop better sleeping habits.
  • I want to learn sign language.
  • I want to read much more than i do...
I have the books i want to read already lined up. I'm not talking about cute romance novels.. I'm talking about psychology books...history books... scientific books... There's so much knowledge out there... so much knowledge that i've only begun to knick the top off the mountain...

As of next semester, i shall be taking on some English classes to teach. I've been fumbling in my confidence as to whether i'm competent when deep down i know i'm capable.. it's just these butterflies... It's just that its been so long since i've been in an English class.. it's just that although my grades report otherwise, i thought it was amongst the most boring classes i've taken and paid the least attention in... I know i can do this...

I can do it.. It's just that i would've preferred this opportunity to have landed when my law exams wasn't smack in the midst of it all..

Oh well... i'm a survivor.. I can handle my bizz... I've tackled worse before...

I can totally do this.


Oh.. JOE FINALLY SENT ME THE PICS... Little wretch... Now i just have to work on Ryan to send me my updated pics of him and his chick.

I went to the beach again.. 'Twas mum, Roxy (my neighbour) and myself. Not as many tourists as yesterday.. But still quite an unusual bit.

That's all...
Shelli out.

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