Life lesson #3: Don't dwell on the negative when there is still a life to live...and remember, turn around is fair play.
So after having an unfortunate fortunate turn of events, I found myself standing in a pool of "What ifs?" and "Maybe this...", "Perhaps that..." and "If I remember accurately, there's that one vague incident that time before the last when I almost kind of called and the rain started to fall and it was like a metaphor from God... a vague psychic moment..."
I said unfortunate fortunate because after months of praying for a turn around, and ultimately accepting things for the way they are like a cynic with my pessimistic expectations.... what I was waiting impatiently for seems to be happening... and all it has rendered is me being one thoroughly confused individual.
Pleasantly surprised yet slightly annoyed.
***
I decided that why question everything. What will be, will be. What is in the dark, will eventually come to light... and until that point - Be happy.
Why devote so much energy into validating unhappiness when you can sit and revel in the moments of why you should be happy?
***
Nobody sits one place for a long time because they don't like the situation they're in... and even if they don't like it, nobody sticks so long lest it bothers them enough to move....
***
Love will come find you, just to remind you... who you are. - Alicia Keys
Yesterday was Adri's birthday.... 'Twas a unique experience. A friend who isn't really supposed to celebrate birthdays celebrating birthdays.... I hope she enjoyed it.
Adri says she likes her gift... *perks eyebrow*
Tomorrow is daddy's birthday.... We're planning a surprise birthday party. Yummy.
OOooo and Renata's birthday was the 27th of Feb... but I finally got around to getting and giving her a birthday gift... she claims she likes it... I must look for something more.
I gave my friend their necklace today... they say they likes it...
I've lost so much faith in my ability to buy nice gifts.... hmm....
***
Another secret meeting On the 5th floor stair case I'm wanna give you this letter Of all the things I cant say Want you to be my first my last my ending and beginning I wrote your name in my book You last name my first I'm your Mrs.
When the lights are on outside Could you find somewhere to hide Cause I just don't want to say goodbye Cause you are my baby baby
Nothing really matters I don't really care What nobody tell me I'm gunna be here It's a matter of extreme importance My first teenage love affair
I have been having what can be described as a confusing week. It seems I just can't help but surround myself with walking paradoxes for friends, myself included.
Passing through unconscious states. When i awoke i was on The onset of a later stage... the headlights are beacons on the highway. -"A movie script ending" DCFC
***
I am so tired. My feet hurts. My back hurts.
Today was another PTC (Parent Teacher Conference) for the Form 2s and Form 3s. We did it in a panel setting in the different classrooms.
My lord it was lonnnng..... but it was good. I got to meet all the parents of the students that I needed to see... those who I felt were not tapping into their full potential.
I was so pleased to find parents that cared about their kids, and are willing to work with teachers to make their children better individuals.
I'm too tired to expatiate on the subject.
***
On an other abstract random note...
my headaches always get elevated to brand new peaks when certain incessant sounds keep hitting my airwaves. In that moment of pain and endurance, my fingertips crash harder against the surface of the keyboard in desperate hope that if the pain doesn't distract then my words as they translate themselves across my screen shall soften the annoyances that surround and bring about some sort of peace... some sort of inner peace that stop the voices.
Mosquito hums.
***
Ok... I figure my head aches sufficiently ache and my ankles are complaining enough from my heels for me to go take a warm shower and soothe them...
And all I really want is some patience A way to calm the angry voice And all I really want is deliverance
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse A soul to dig the hole much deeper And I have no concept of time other than it is flying If only I could kill the killer -Alanis Morisette "All I really want"
***
I don't have much to blog about...
Ever had a day where you woke up happy, dressed all pretty, planned everything to the T and it started to go all horribly awry because of one minor glitch...? And then it got better in the one way you least expected it, based entirely upon the mere possibility of such an event occuring...? And became annoyed?
As my mom would say... some of us are just too happy.
Atleast there was evidence of a text. Phonecall would've saved the day. Who knows what could've happened? Maybe more game sprinkled with b.s.?
***
Today was Parent Teacher Conference for the Form 1s. My favourite part of teaching..... meeting the parents.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ok I'll stop with the sadistic evil laughter.... not!!
MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ok now I will.
I met lots of parents... it's always a pleasure to meet students who have parents that take their time to come and hear about their kids... and actually care enough to work with the teacher to help make their children learn better and reach their full potential.
I also, frustrately, realized that some kids are hopeless. Ok, that's not a fair statement. Some of these kids need a bit more guidance and support than others... and those that need it most, lack it severely. Consequently, it transcends and reflects in their grades.
Some of the parents let me go through the report and I realized that some of the children are not just doing badly in my class(English A and Visual Arts), they're generally performing poorly. The thing is these kids are not stupid either. I know they're not. The teachers, we all know they're not. We know they're not working at their full potential...
It just becomes a question once more of... what more could we do, as teachers, to reach you, as students? How can we connect the gap between where you are and where you could be? Eliminate the hindrances stopping you from getting there..?
*rubs face thinking defeated thoughts*
I have this idea for my Form 2s... I'm trying to incorporate film into my classes. I shall post in greater detail later on... and how it's progressing. If all goes as planned, my girls should be watching "The Great Debaters" next week.
I must think up something to reach my Form 1s... there must be something I haven't thought of...
I'll ask Sher what's her technique... And Carly... hmm....
Hmm... yes... I'll try and do that tomorrow...
OR post a suggestion.
***
I'm off to La la land. Shelli out.
Oooh... P.S. I took a huge Shelli Independence Step... I went to the doc all by myself. Lol.
Waiting on you is like being an insomniac around 12 midnight, checking the clock every minute to see how close I am till morning.
***
I spent the whole day trying to enlighten those around me.
I had the most delightful conversation with Liz today... It's been a while since we spoke. Been an even longer while since we spoke like that. I would elaborate but I'm sleepy... but in essence it was about schools and future plans.
***
I have that song by Leona Lewis 'Bleeding Love' stuck in my head... I mean it's nothing particularly extraordinary. It's catchy, yes. However, perhaps I'm just young and yet too jaded appreciate anything new hitting the airwaves in the way they should be appreciated...
But the words... It's a pretty song. It's pretty like candy flowers.
Isn't it a pretty song?
***
*hand in cheek, stares blankly at the screen* I'm frustrated. Frustrated to the point of boredom. Stupes. I'm going to bed. Shelli out.
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt,
you're guiltless and free...
I hope you take a piece of me with you.
And there's things I'd like to do, that you don't believe in.
I would like to build something someday...
But you'd never see it happen.
-3EB "Motorcycle Drive By"
***
It's in the early a.m.s and although my lids are heavy... I can't fall back asleep. So hear I am, deliberating on whether I should venture forth and attempt to write the post I've been trying to write since Thursday. These past couple days have been so comparatively quiet to the weeks I've been having. The quiet moments are filled with those *gasps* "Is a higher being trying to communicate and guide me?" Everything seems symbolic to the point of seeming so integral to the intricate web of the way things should be when I reach the destination I'm destined to be.
I decided to take the bus Thursday to go home.
I walked across the Carenage... and for some bizarre reason I chose to walk up the street, by Courts and come down on the road by First Caribbean bank leading to Scotia and Bryden & Minors, rather than take my usual route through the tunnel. I was tired. I was still feeling sick. Yet I chose the path of most resistance. *Mutter grumble mutter* Still not completely clear as to why I'm going there. I bounced into one of my students, Karen, who dragged me ALL over town to show me some various paintings on which she's basing her ideas. Despite my initial reluctance to go with her because of how I was feeling, I was so pleased to see that at least one of my students was taking my advice and doing some actual research into their pieces to submit to me.
It's moments like that where I love my job. Thoroughly. If they did that more often I would cuss a lot less.
Everything happens for a reason... I had to be there so it would all make sense...
Anyways...
~~~
Shoot... I was just reading something and in turn I remembered something. It threw off my train of thought. It started my thinking about a dream I had a couple nights back... I really wish I understood everything and what it meant right now...guess I just have to have the patience to watch it unfold before me I guess...
~~~
So I make it the the Terminal. I get the last seat on the bus, which coincidently is my personal favourite, the seat right behind the conductor. As soon as I sit properly in the bus, the guy right next to me shifts a bit (not in an annoying uncomfortable way) and the smell of cigarette smoke swarms me briefly. He wasn't smoking, but it's the type of scent that lingers on your clothes and body long after you're finished... And strangely enough, it took me straight to New York.
I don't really ever recall that thought connection ever happening before. My mum's youngest brother, my favourite uncle, smokes. I remember when he used to be in the apartment in the Bronx, in the back room at nights, smoking through an open window...
Walking in, arms folded, after getting off the bus, I contemplated ditching my heels. It's moments like those I think I need an occupation where a desire to where flip flops is requisite. I didn't take it off unfortunately. There was broken glass on the road - the only thing that stopped me.
Isn't it funny how it's in the quietest moments the world seems to slow and things make sense? I can't explain the sense I felt... But it was rather calming. Looking at the weathered land I realized I was surrounded by life that survived despite of adversity... not to say that I was not privy to such knowledge before. But it never hurts to be reminded.
Everything that needed to be said was said. My decisions are becoming easier (not to be confused with easy). One by one.
It's just so annoying that it all started with one decision. I make one major decision and it's like the manager of the universe decides to heave at least 3 more major decisions my way because he figures I can handle it.
It got to the point where pretending and denying there is a decision to be made is like pretending you don't see the elephant under your carpet... especially when the darn tusks keep pricking your tender bare foot bottoms.
Come September I may not be here any longer on this pretty isle. Not permanently... but for a while. And I'm scared... believe me I'm scared. But my fears are not big enough to stop me from going... because I know I can adapt and I may have some adjustment issues but I'll get through it... I've been through enough and had to adjust enough and... let's just leave it at I'm confident that my experiences over the past 19 years have prepared me sufficiently to start to be open about being able to think I can deal with the new situations that will inevitably be presenting themselves.
***
***
And there's a memory of a window,
Looking through I see you,
Searching for something... I could never give you...
And there's someone who understands,
You more than I do...
A sadness I cant erase
....All alone on your face....
-3EB "God of wine"
Me: I see you got the girl?
Vegar: Yes I did... did you?
Me: Naw, we take turns shooting ourselves in the foot.
Vegar: Do we now?
Me: Unfortunately yes.
***
"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment, you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on path? Will others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be haunted by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or simply give up."
-Lucas Scott "One Tree Hill"
***
I need to relax. I didn't realize until today how high-strung I've been. Today I'm home sick. I believe I have a self-fulfulling prophecy that I fill each term, that is, school makes me sick. We have a tad bit of construction going on at our school and everybody's being exposed to a little bit of dust and what not. I ate what my doctor described as the recipe for a bad case of indigestion: a cup of tea w/ milk, fried saltfish soaked in olive oil, and green fig. Followed by a midnight munching around midnight of some uber delicious Palawi mangoes.
By 2.30 am my indigestion caught up with me and i spent a while hunched over the sink bringing up liquefied versions of my dinner. I went to school Monday, left around 9 to go to the doctor. Then I came home.
Feeling rather weak... Now my stomach is fine... Now I have a fever and a headache and my bones/joints hurt.
***
Warrior white blood cells.
Win this battle.
Please...?
***
"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment who will you be? Will you let down your defenses, and find solace in someone unexpected? Will you reach out? Will you face your greatest fear bravely? And move forward with faith. Or will you succumb to the darkness in your soul?"
-Lucas Scott "One Tree Hill"
***
I feel absolutely horrid. I'm going to nap. And pray to get better tomorrow... and that nothing is really wrong...
You wont admit you love me. And so how am I ever to know? You only tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
A million times I ask you, And then I ask you over again. You only answer Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
If you cant make your mind up, Well never get started. And I don't wanna wind up Being parted, broken-hearted. So if you really love me, Say yes. But if you don't, dear, confess. And please don't tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
If you cant make your mind up, Well never get started. And I dont wanna wind up Being parted, broken-hearted. So if you really love me, Say yes. But if you dont, dear, confess. And please dont tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps,
I was walking Ronique around my neighbourhood and I had a completely poetic movie moment. I was wearing a blue hoodie and a pair of blue shorts. My left hand holding my mp3 player inside my hoodie pocket. My right holding the dog leash.
At one point, on my journey uphill, I was caught between streetlights. Standing there I realized I was creating two shadows - one of someone walking a dog uphill, and one of someone walking downhill. AND 'The road I'm on' by Three Doors Down was playing.
Ok so it's half as cool as I thought it was last night. But it did feel like a really pensive movie moment.
***
Life is what you make it.
School has started back. How truly depressing. I feel as if the past two vacation weeks dissipated into thin air and ceased to have ever existed. I get a mild headache every morning. My doc told me some time back that aside from sinus headaches, horrible sinuses can also cause you to feel fatigue... or perhaps that's just blues because work has started back...
The kids seem happy. I'm determined to try and make the best of their receptiveness... plan some fun lessons and actually find a way to orchestrate them despite time limitations and such.
As Ru would say.... Le sigh...
Bleh. It's 7.36 am. I need to start getting ready for work. -.-
Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere. I'm a Caribbean artist/ wildlife conservationist/ adventure enthusiast. Hope my blog brings a bit of sunshine into your life.