♫....See boo...♫
♫....I would leave the world 'fore I leave you..♫
♫.....I got...I got... I got your back boy.......♫
Yesterday was my bday. It was quiet, but awesome nuntheless. My pookie surprised me. *perks eyebrow* Another cute moment to gush about.......... I went out Friday night - passed in the club for a bit, chilled, etc. Passed in Josef's last night and they *blush* gave me a birthday shout out................and then one of the guys serenaded me a soca happy birthday and then........dedicated a song to me. :) "Birthday ..." umm.... Kartel's remix to birthday sex... lol... but I'm sure their intentions were good.
All in all, it was alright. Now I'm poofed. Therefore, I shall go take a nap. Deuces.
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So I like to eat my Ferroro Rocher layer by layer.... As I made it past the wafer layer it cut clean in two, which should've been a sufficient sign that something was wrong......... but did I take note? Noooooo... I rationalized maybe the nut was in the half I was about to chew - nothing. So I looked at the other half, and it looked so lil bit lil bit.... but I hoped and inserted
and my teeth went right through...
They robbed me of my hazelnut!!!! hmph!!!!
Peeved Shelli out.
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Don't you just love the way when you make your plans, keep it to yourself to maximize the chances of it being fulfilled...........and then you reveal it at the end, and mysteriously (not really) the universe finds a way to throw a monkey wrench in the middle of your plans.
Then you end up faced with two options: be ignorant, say screw it, stay home, sulk and essentially spite yourself OR suck it up, get out and put your game face on!
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They might say hi... I might say hey...
But you shouldn't worry bout what they say...
They got nothing on you, baby...
...got me singing every night and every day
-"Nothin' on you" Alexis Jordan
I'm strangely hyper today. No new movies. *sad face*
However I just spent two hours of my life caught up in back to back episodes of "The first 48" on A&E.
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*perks eyebrow*
So I just finished watching
"Forget me not" the teen horror/thriller. *yawn* Ok so it had a couple well jumps...... but I don't get it. Like seriously. How can someone who's not even dead, kill people... and erase their existence from reality completely? Like.... *sigh*
So... about that painting? I shall get started.
Shelli out.
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I'm hyper. It's early morning. I'm feeling to paint. I'm going to look for an inspiring spot in my house..........cuz my room is only succeeding in giving me headaches. :( Cabin fever much?
I think this song is funny though....
"I hate your boyfriend" - Murs
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Recently, I've found myself watching a bunch of movies (considering there's not much else to do) and found myself getting into animations.
The first that made me fall in love with animations was "How to train your dragon." I saw mixed reviews on it, some people thought it was slow, others confusing, etc etc the typical movie complaints. I thought it was brilliant. The colours, the storyline, the scenery. It was about a young boy in a city of Vikings who wanted to be a Viking dragon slayer like his dad......However his size was quite petite and his whole being just seemed opposed to it. As the film continues, he encounters a dragon and starts to learn various life lessons... leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling inside... And... oh my gosh.... the graphics is delicious!!
The next was "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs." This one was about another boy seeking approval from his dad and wants to be an inventor. His inventions were previously all failed attempts except for one. But that one proved to be just as much a calamity as the rest. It was a cute movie. Cute ending, tied up nicely.
Then last night I watched "Fantastic Mr. Fox." This is the only one that falls into the kid category yet seems more appealing for adults. It's about a fox who once was a chicken stealer, but changed his life around upon his wife's request to become a newspaper columnist after a near-death experience. He decides much later that he wants to pull off one last steal and ends up endangering everyone's lives. Why do I say it's more appealing for adults? While it is fast paced enough to keep children interested, it carries a lot more adult themes and the dry humor/ironies would appeal more to the 20-30 something age bracket. The fox is having a mid-life crisis, his son feels neglected, there's a murder. There's a great deal of selfishness and arrogance throughout with very little remorse. Also, there is a lovely play with words throughout - there's no cursing instead of saying the f-bomb they use "cuss" like.... are you cussing with me??? Who the cuss am I? Don't cuss with me! Who the cuss is this? Overall, there's laughs throughout though.
I just finished watching "Where the wild things are." Another movie about a young boy who feels neglected, runs away from home and creates his own kingdom with monsters.
I'm not sure if it's purely coincidence or perhaps I just never focused that in depth on movies before.... but a theme of neglect seems to carry all the way through. I also realized that none of these movies were meant to be grasped and understood in one sitting. 'How to train your dragon' came the closest, in my opinion, to feeling complete the first viewing. Ok, so I'm speaking as if I watched any of them more than once, which I haven't, and have the intent to watch it over again, which I don't. But... I feel as if I
did watch it over again I'd pick up a lot of stuff that I missed. "Fantastic Mr. Fox" had soooo much going on at the same time, it felt like you had to pick one thing to work with and carry you through the movie in the midst of awareness of the other stuff. That wasn't a bad thing per se, but it was like a Margaret Atwood novel were every word is laced with innuendo and if you don't take your time to re-read every line then you miss something epic. Funnily enough, the animations were all kid books translated into film. The only one that left me feeling kinda sad was "Where the wild things are." I mean... bad, sad things happened in all of the films... but that one was just all round depressing. The ending was quiet yet poignant and yet....confusing at the same time. The movie ends unresolved as far as I'm concerned. He fails at making the monsters happy, rather he just highlights his own insecurities whilst playing with their own - BUT he's just a child himself. His mother still fails at being a parent in some ways... No one really recognizes their character flaws, not even the boy. The viewer understands the rationale behind the selfishness behind each character, but there's no resolution presented. Perhaps, that is the point - in the real world, answers are not always present and acknowledgment of error is as good as it is going to get. A very real ... realistic movie. HA! Sher, if you're reading this.... It's like 'Waiting for Godot' where everything is somewhat as it was, and you're left seeing pieces of yourself in the film yet slightly depressed and amused at the same time.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... which shall I watch next?
Shelli out.
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(
Originally posted 9/26/09)
Shelli: ...And the whole drive home he dey telling me jumbie story...
Ray: You does believe them ting?
Shelli: Well no... but wha? I can't get scared? You don't believe them things? They don't have them in trini?
Ray: Yea, I does hear people talk bout it but I dun believe in that...
Shelli: So you never saw anything?
Ray: Nah.. I does only see angels
Shelli: Oh yea? What they look like?
Ray: I looking at one now....
Shelli: Oh really? Aw...
Ray: Ey.. is not you I talkin bout you kno? Is the angel..! Stupes..!
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(Originally supposed to be posted 10/21/09)
And so it came to me like an epiphany...
***
So my days have been filled with lots of question marks, raised eyebrows and sarcastic remarks when I choose not to make the effort to hide it behind a smile and "... oh really?"
Reason being? Cuz, it seems apparently I'm back in that questioning stage in the cycle that is Shelli's existence. The consolation is, that right after the questioning comes about some grand epiphany which brings about even grander results. I've found myself doing what my bf seems to insist on calling "over thinking" and not relaxing enough... but I can't help but feel as if I should be questioning stuff in my life right now; as if the reason why I can't supposedly relax is because I'm not getting the answers that I'm looking for - and by answers I mean not what I want to hear, but the reality of what it is. I can handle it. Hit me with some reality here God.
Every morning, I go through a "snooze" button phase for about half hour before reluctantly acknowledging that departure from my bed is necessary when the sun starts to creep across my sheets to my legs. Then I proceed into the shower, where I gaze out the window looking at the landscape and begin my pensive morning musings... But this morning I had a distraction - I noticed a familiar green bar of soap on the left corner of the window sill. My mum must've stumbled upon it and decided to use it. This bar of soap came from NY in my barrel. It's a bar of Ponds moisturizing soap bar that I purchased during my "skin obsession phase" when I convinced myself that these things work since it says "softer skin in X number of days" on the packaging.
As I lifted it to my face, I got the scent of it that despite using it for months, I never really liked nor got accustomed to... It smells like cucumber melon soaked in baby oil. However, this scent was the scent of 4 months in my own flat in NY. It symbolized the privilege of doing my own groceries, being able to walk the aisles of the store and stand before shelves of varying items screaming "pick me, pick me!" and practice a lil product discrimination... and the weight of the bags in my hands from buying a little too much and still having to walk from 23rd & 2nd Ave. to 23rd & 7th ave to catch my train home. It symbolized the ability to travel that hour plus journey to a destination where I know that when I reach, whenever I reach, regardless of the train breaking down or bus delays, it's my place to do what I want, how I want. It symbolized sleeping in on weekends and cooking breakfast at lunchtime. It was reminiscent of ordering Dominoes pizza at nights with my flat mate because "...according to this here email there's a special on tonight..." and still debating about who should go answer the delivery man at the door when he arrives with our meal. It was waking up at 4 in the morning to get to school on time and still reaching to class late, or convincing myself that gyming at 6 am was the way to start the day... And even running through the snow as the bus rounds the corner so as to not miss it to rationalize walking up late and not going to gym that day because "...I've already done my morning cardio..." It was reaching home tired as a mofo, looking at the bar of soap on top my dresser by my tv, from my bed and wondering if a shower was really necessary for that night. It was convincing my flat mate to go jogging at midnight on the school track in front of the house, and getting burnt after the first lap. It was ordering Chinese from that Chinese restaurant I could never remember the name of, and have one too many take out menus of in my room. It was walking with Enda from 23rd & Lex. to Wild Berries on 5th ave, convincing ourselves that we needed a break from our intense (15 minutes of) studying and that 3-6$ per cup of frozen yogurt was a healthy and wise investment because you could put real fruits as toppings and the yogurt itself is supposedly less fatty than ice cream. *sigh*
The smell of that bar of soap, was New York in seconds like flip book memory pages. I put it back down and swore not to use it again....for a while. I miss New York.
The irony is that prior to this encounter with the soap, I started finding myself with a list of "what ifs" regarding going to NY in the first place... but the reality I guess is, everything plays out the way it should whether you choose to accept it initially or not.
Transferring to SGU after being in NY, to some, could be perceived as a waste of a whole year. Had I stayed, I could've probably gotten my permanency as a teacher. I could've finished more of my portfolio or been involved in more exhibitions. I could've finished my book. I could've been an active member of WAG. I could've...I could've... I could've...
Then again, realistically, NY was what I needed no matter how I flipped it. By that point in my life, I was incredibly frustrated. I was repeating mistakes to the point of them becoming practically habitual. Relationship-wise I was doomed for one way or another, whichever way I went.
The story had to play out the way it did. While it's not all fields of daisies right now. I'm happier in different ways. Had I not left, I would never have gotten the chance to meet my bf in a way which we could have a relationship... nor would I have been able to meet Enda, one of my closest friends that helped me get a different perspective on things whilst seeing exactly where I was coming from - in many ways, we were walking the same path but didn't recognize each other... nor would I have been able to see who my true friends are or perhaps, more appropriately, who genuinely is seeking my interests with their advice. Also... I would never have gotten the chance to live on my own - which is what I wanted, dreamed of, begged for years prior.
Also... even if I'm stubborn to admit it. I was extremely frustrated with life then. I might've quit my job, or continued complaining about it (even though I loved it too... yea... I know... strange... love/hate relationship). I would not have finished my portfolio nor been any closer to having my exhibition nor finished my book nor been active in WAG. Now that's keeping it real.
But whatever... what if's are always easier in retrospect - you already know how one story ended. But I guess, that's the beauty of life. And perhaps he's right... I should learn to relax.
Shelli out.
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(Originally posted 3/30/09)
And I wonder... if you wonder,
or did your stars finally explode?
Did the thunder pull you underneath the haze?
I'm amazed...then I let go.
Little minds let little pain burn big old dreams with little flames,
and you don't think I understand.
Little holes in parachutes won't leave you falling,
if they do, it's because you want to land.
-Something Corporate 'Little'
***
***
Random Convo
that I thought was simply
hilarious
(of course pasted with permission)
Ron says (7:39 PM):
can a girl be a mother f*cker? or only guys have that right
Shelli... says (7:40 PM):
only guys
Ron says (7:40 PM):
damn thats not fair
lol
haha
what about father f*cker
lol
haha
Shelli... says (7:41 PM):
lol
thats unheard of
*eye roll*
Ron says (7:41 PM):
lmao
haha
Ron says (7:42 PM):
see thats not fair
you only have one main word
lol
Shelli... says (7:43 PM):
lol
Ron says (7:43 PM):
we have mother f*cker, bastard, faggot, ron
lol
well actually there are more
but only sexual
Ron says (7:44 PM):
but Ron is the most offensive thing you can call a person
its like the equivlaent to the N word for all races
Ron says (7:45 PM):
anyway i wanted to ask you something
Shelli... says (7:45 PM):
ask away
Ron says (7:46 PM):
will you have my babies
?
Shelli... says (7:46 PM):
lmao
*eye roll*
***
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(
Originally posted 4/14/09)
Girl 1: he looks like an agouti
Girl 2: I thought you said he was cute
Girl 1: Yea! I saw him in the night..!
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(Post originally posted 10/21/09)
You know... the strangest thing has been happening to me recently and I'm not sure if to see it as a sign.
I've been running into guys daily who tell me about this one true love that they have - but they're not with. It ranges from they messed up, the girl messed up, the girl doesn't acknowledge their existence. But the one thing they are certain about if nothing else, is this undying (seemingly unrequited) love for someone else.
For some reason, as nice as the stories sound as they are told to me, head tilt with the "...awww", Lifetime movie dramatics and all something just isn't 100% cute about it.
For one, this alleged girl/boy that you were once with but can't let go of... the relationship ended for a reason. By forever holding on to the feelings you felt, that includes any bitterness at the ending, it's using up emotional energy that could be used more constructively towards a new love.
Also, the whole "...you won't/can't understand..." is probably the most annoying 3 words you could tell anyone. If you don't think I would understand to begin with, what's the point of opening your mouth and commencing your tale, and when it begins to sound potentially absurd, gracefully pull oneself out of the absurd line and into the elite group of "love understanding."
There's no set definition on what love is. Yesterday, in my Sociology class, the topic of love came up. Surprisingly, despite the idea of love being one of the western world's most marketed idea, it was difficult to quantify and describe using words. The text naturally dissected it into some psychology perception of the individuals strongly influenced by culture. These perceptions dependent on factors of status, race, traditions, religions, etc. Each influencing a certain level of familiarity and ability to mesh interest wise. But, that doesn't quantify "love" either. It removes the supposed intense element of attraction and emotion involved and gives a clinical presentation of a grand societal manipulative premeditated scheme.
And if thats the case... it truly leaves the definition ultimately up to the individual's own perceptions of their feelings.
I believe you could love anyone. This soulmate idea is all nice and dandy... but I believe anyone could be your soulmate. There must be a reason why arranged marriages work so successfully... and then again it comes down to perceptions. Hindus believe "first comes marriage, then comes love." They enter the marriage expecting love to develop. I believe people are just too willing to give up and are too picky.
But I'm getting sidetracked... so... all these guys are putting their love lives on hold because of this one love they lost and can't get over, or this one girl that is the perceived epitome of all girls. What I noticed though, about those same Lifetime movies, is that the same girl/boy that was there listening all along, being a good supportive friend, etc while you were pining away bitterly over another love, happens to be the one the main character should be with, but isn't. And more often than not, there's a perfectly plausible as to why the relationship wasn't coming into fruition nor would work. In the movies, the right guy/girl gets the right girl/boy.
But in real life, sometimes people spend way too long dramatizing one scene of the movie and not moving on with their lives and seeing what's before them. I think it's more the investment of time, energy, money and the sense of loss of that investment that burns more in some instances than the loss of the actual person. Furthermore, the familiarity of that person being in your life even though it obviously wasn't working.
I've been the "epitome of my world" girl, where the guy believes you were the golden standard... but deep down, regardless of his conviction, regardless of the sincerity or the reasons for the break up/never happening you just know it wouldn't work based on your own rationale.. and no matter what they say it's not going to change it. Naturally, there are those moments when you question the possibility of reciprocating the feelings at the same intensity... and moments of jealous when they finally move on with their lives and find someone that makes them happy. But you always know, regardless of how you flip it. No matter how much they can't let go of their convictions, neither can you.
I've been the good supportive friend that becomes the girlfriend. And that is no fun either. At least being the epitome of someone's world means being doted on with lots of attention, but being that other person is the complete opposite. It's knowing that you don't and will never compare to the other girl. It's being reminded about it so much, that if ever the relationship was given a chance it probably wouldn't work just because of all the insecurity created... unless the guy does the Lifetime movie confession about realizing that you're the only girl for him and he was a douche for not seeing it before and this is the real way the story is supposed to end.
Anyways... whatever man...
Shelli out
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Hold you down...
3 As in the bag so far... and one B+ *sigh*... Waiting on 2 more grades.
Onto more awesome news... Today was the last day of school for me. Whoop whoop.
Not much else to update on... I'm a more mellow form of annoyed now... not with reason... *sigh*
Shelli out.
Oh... P.S. It seems like everything I loved about NY has changed or is changing little by little. From the little Hidden City Cafe where I loved to go study or hide out because of the adorable sub-city level (literally basement level cafe) lounge feel. It's moved fully to the boring street level smaller branch on 23rd I believe. Then, Wild Berries by Madison ave. (I think it was by Madison) has closed down... There goes two of my main spots right there. I've got my fingers crossed that Tossed on the corner of 23rd & Lex (I think that's the address)isn't going to shut down on me too... Tossed is this adorable little cubby restaurant that specializes in salads I believe........but also makes these insanely huge and incredibly heavenly cupcakes....!
♪...But I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be
with myself anymore...♪
-"Honestly, OK" Dido
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Today is the day when you whip out all of those little b.s. inspirational notes that people feed to you when you don't really need it and you think to yourself "WOW.... that is
soooooo true!"
Such as "People cannot make you feel bad without your permission" and "Being angry is a choice that which you can control" and "This day too shall pass" and the list goes on and on.
Here's the reality. Being angry
is a choice.................
However it's also a consequential natural hormonal reaction to hearing/seeing/experiencing a certain level of dotishness/stupidity. This day too shall pass,
however it is still here right now and I'm still experiencing it. And people can't make me feel bad, but frankly, I think I reserve the right to feel annoyed.
How about a nice can of shut the...............up?!
To steal a phrase from my good friend Sher....
F*ck you, it's been a long day!
ANGRY Shelli
Out.
P.S. only have one more exam and so far
they haven't been half bad at all... so there's
a plus.
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...brace yourself for the fallout.
***
Ok so I had a really great post in mind whole weekend that I never got around to... and I waited till the shadows of clouds started creeping up to ruin the moment. So now I'm too mellow to translate into words any sort of euphoria.
I was swimming up to my neck in assignments the past two weeks. I had two 15 page papers, two 8-10 page papers, and a series of mini-assignments to cover. Fun? Actually yes. Not so fun thinking that I was going to miss the deadline... But fun in that adrenaline rush 'am I going to make it?!' up til 3 in the morning way. Now that it's over with, finals alone remain this week and then it's the official beginning of summer vacay.
Today was a holiday weekend. What did I do? I stayed home for the most part, trying to fool myself into studying which is
way better than the tricking myself out of the guilt I'd experience had I gone out.
And... there dies this post. So I shall conclude with a series of convo quotes....
***
Bella:Actually, you know what, I'm through giving a f***
Jay: -Jay laughs at the double entendre-
***
Shelli out.
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