Hush darling... for after the storm there will be a calm...
"Being sad with the right people is better than being happy with the wrong ones."
-anonymous
***
I've been musing over relationship issues the past couple days. Seems like I know a bunch of people, guys and girls, who are all in similar situations. I could be wrong but this is my hypothesis as to how this whole thing works.
Initially you have the honeymoon phase that everyone knows about - everyone is happy, doing all the couple-like things. Then there's the 'normal couple' phase where you're not quite honeymooning anymore but you're still somewhat riding that crescendo. After this point one of two things seems to happen. Firstly, the pair could normal off into an ebb and flow balanced relationship with occasional bickers and such. Or, secondly, someone starts to take someone for granted.
And here is where the issue steps in...
I'm inclined to think the first person to be taken for granted is the guy. The girl gets accustomed to the honeymoon treatment and stops seeing it as special and valued. The guy would then try to withdraw and get 'himself back' and the girl will sense the shift, panic and try to get back the attention that was once taken for granted. Eventually, the girl gets tired of trying as the guy will most likely build more resolve with her effort. Once she actually tires herself and stops trying, a shift occurs. The reverse starts to happen.
I guess at this point it determines whether the relationship will sink or swim. From what I've observed, both parties at this point knows what it feels like to be on both sides of the scale - he/she who in taken advantaged of and he/she who takes advantage. It feels the same for either party at this point. However, one thing is particularly different.
The party who is feeling taken advantaged of last seems to harbour a little bit of extra bitterness.
So this then begs the question, can the relationship be saved? From all my interactions with my friends, both male and female, in this situation it seems to be the same sort of responses. There's a bit of flattery that the other party did come around and start to change. But there's also the memory of all the pain that ensued prior to the change. Each action is encounters the question framed something like "Oh? But when I wanted attention you couldn't be bothered.. so I must give that up now because you're ready?" It's always the "But when I wanted ... And now you..." structure.
With this sort of attitude, is any sort of resolve possible? I guess in some weird way the situation is most ideal to fix things. At this point, everyone involved sees everything. Perhaps, not in the most objective manner, but everyone sees nuntheless.
I guess if the relationship is to ever work again, get back to that middle road and proceed into the 'balanced normal couple path' both people have to have at least one exact same sentence on any given present and future page of their books. Each page could be scribbled with their new hobbies and dreams collected from this back and forth time apart but the lines "I want this relationship to work. [and] I want you with me on this journey." must be scribbled somewhere - even if it's in the margin.
If those sentences aren't synchronized wishes of both parties then... I guess it would be time to let it go. What are you fighting for? To hold onto a title that both or one of you no longer want? If you love someone... and you want to be with them... You don't try to torture them into eternity.
If the lesson has been learned, lick your wounds and move on - be it apart or together - but move on.
***
'So here you go again you say
You want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down?
It's only right that you should play the way that you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound... of your loneliness
As a heartbeat drives you mad in the stillness of remembering
...of what you had... and what you lost"
-"Dreams" Stevie Nicks
Shelli out.
About the Author
8 comments
This is so true n you have hit the ball right in the ball park..this is the situation alot of relationships is goin through today even the friends with benefits relationships r goin through this and i hate to sound biased but its always the guys who change up first..its always good n sweet int he beginin n comin towards the middle theres all of a sudden this big gap and we're left wth wonderin WTF?? Communication doesnt even help te situation so its either we stay n hope it changes or we leave n stir up some type of reaction...as the days (not even weeks or months) go by it just gets worse....n i believe because of this lack of communication and willingness to make a relationship work is dwindling, dating life is completely dying out and soon there will b no marriages or any of the sort in the very near future..alot of single parent or shack up homes would b the case but no one will get married cuz in every relationship its always only one person committed to make it work while th eother is jsut lazily goin along for the ride..its sad our generation may never really get to experience the love n longevity as our parents have...
ReplyDeleteVery much factual...........I agree that statement >>>
ReplyDelete" "I want this relationship to work. [and] I want you with me on this journey." must be scribbled somewhere - even if it's in the margin.""
Both parties have to want it to happen.....more or less balanced agreement.....be willing to compromise FAIRLY. able to talk about ANYTHING regardless of the nature.....COMMUNICATION is the key to EVERY relationship.
And we also got to remember that nothing good comes easy....
Very much factual...........I agree that statement >>>
ReplyDelete" "I want this relationship to work. [and] I want you with me on this journey." must be scribbled somewhere - even if it's in the margin.""
Both parties have to want it to happen.....more or less balanced agreement.....be willing to compromise FAIRLY. able to talk about ANYTHING regardless of the nature.....COMMUNICATION is the key to EVERY relationship.
And we also got to remember that nothing good comes easy....
This is amazing shell!!! Good research, good thesis and a wonderful script!! I know many can relate to this, including myself!!! Think I'll send this link around!!!
ReplyDelete'You want your freedom?"
ReplyDeleteHow much freedom is needed? In that situation perhaps there is a conflict of love need satisfaction. Like a book I was reading said : I suspect that relationships that come apart at the seams do so because they never really satisfied the partners' need for love. For when that need is satisfied couples can usually handle the large and small problems they face each day."
Most of the time the relationships could work, as long as both of them have the same goal from the relationship. With work of course. Most people believe that love is something that just exists between two people or it doesn't.
When I say work, I don't necessarily mean something laborious.
Some form of shared activity. Alone. Walking, a meal, an hour of writing, a movie. Be it for an hour. It's not exactly the same with friends. Relationships are falling apart all around us because people are taking their significant other for granted or going about their own lives and turning around to find out their partners are strangers or they have become strangers to them. They may not seem like much but a little alone time allows them to be honest with each other in another way then in public. They can hold possible avenues to fulfill love needs as well as building or reinforcing positive perceptions of each other.
People are so complex and ever changing that it would be ludicrous to expect them it to be like two lines, side by side,heading straight for the horizon. Though they would deviate from each other along the way, they should intersect, and never feel too far from another.
We all have to keep moving forward. Apart or together.
this really isnt mine.....its like my honeymoon was cancelled....
ReplyDeleteI agree Shamz... It does ask how much freedom is needed. Additionally how much freedom could be permitted whilst still being able to satisfy your partner's need for love. How far can you push the boundary and still have it work?
ReplyDeletei agree with this to and extent, but thats only becuz i dont believe in relationships anymore............dey dont wrk so y bother
ReplyDelete