Cuz... if you lose me, oh yea, you'd lose a good thing.
I was just having the most interesting conversation with Donald.... well somehow we always end up on some obscure heavy topic but yea...
So we're talking about swearing for loved ones and cheating.
I always remember my dad telling me that he hates to get involved in people's business. Often he knows things, and despite knowing he'd say nothing, and if you came and told him he would act like he doesn't know.... Because he chooses not to get involved or part-take. As it relates to relationships, he continued with his theory that if the couple is happy as they are, why ruin it? Many times, a relationship is going good for the most part, and some concerned third party brings news of an outside affair, and the relationship falls apart and both parties end up miserable and heart broken. Therefore, by bringing news - have you really done a good thing?
Now by no means am I saying that I condone cheating. I can't even directly say that I wouldn't want to know. I'm a strange individual. In my short history of relationships, cheating (on me) has been consistent. But I've also been a rather paranoid person as well. First time I was young and uncertain of what a relationship was and if I understood what it meant to be in one. Second time I had trust issues, 3rd party issues and the notion of cheating falls into an arguably grey overlapping area. And the last guy... stupes.. the last guy should not have happened to begin with. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and you're not the great sorcerer Merlin so you can't miraculously change it to a cute, lovable, fluffy puppy - there's just certain things you don't do. And in each situation, I walked. I was sad for a lil' while, but that didn't stop the block and delete from my life process that ensued. I'm great friends now with both of my ex-es (the ones that count as people worth noting) but that's after an extended period of them ceasing to exist in my mind.
Had I not found out? Would things be different?
First of all, if you wanna be a player you have to know to play the game. Neither party really knew what they were doing, left enough traces unintentionally uncovered. And I have a way of finding things out. But let's say either was meticulous. That I wasn't distrustful or potentially unhappy... Let's assume that I was beaming from cheek to cheek almost everyday. Ok... so I was sometimes... That I was the best gf I could be, and treated my bf with respect, trust, etc... And they treated me similarly. There were no real foreseeable issues. Nothing that would make me remotely suspect a single thing.
And I know relationships like this... where the guy undergoes meticulous effort to cover every single base and have at least 3 circumstantially valid pre-planted potential "hunny I told you about this before..." explanations. The girl is happy. The guy is happy. (This is a very generalized he, her, him, girl, boy, guy now...not meant to be taken as an actual individual per se but an example) He doesn't cheat for lack of love and respect. He cheats because he can actually. Perhaps, because he thinks so highly of his gf that he doesn't want to do certain things with her because he doesn't want to see her in a too dirty light. Perhaps, because it's a long distance relationship.
He carefully chooses a cheating partner to eliminate the potential of information slippage... Reinforces the purely physical aspect of the "relationship" and that no one would take the place of his gf, especially not the cheat partner.
However, regardless the reason... The girl is happy in her ignorance. He's an integral part of her world. Helps her to be a better person.. all that good stuff. Likewise, the guy loves the girl to bits and pieces and shows her every chance he can - but cheats on the down low. Takes the time and effort to do it in such a way that her character is not compromised... or vice versa...
Now the third party comes in to do a favor and tell the trusting girl that her happy bubble needs prompt popping. The bubble gets popped, and all parties end up miserable. Or... in some instances, the couple look beyond it, forgive the cheating party and move on beyond the incident.
What would be the point? The value of such? If the people are happy in their existing situation, why should you get involved? What's in darkness will come to light eventually.. and if it doesn't, then oh well - it wasn't meant to.
By no means am I saying that I condone cheating... I'm just saying... If you know, chances are they probably do too... And if they don't know, is it really your part to get involved?
***
And as we continued the convo with regards to your value as a person in the relationship and stuff. I have mixed views. I'm opinionated, stubborn and sometimes...or most times.. in certain situations.. uncompromising unless I can be convinced that my stance is founded on false premises and yours is plausible.
I'm learning to try to always remember your value as a partner in any relationship. Be it a friendship, romance, etc. Everyone brings something to the table. If you're doing your part, being the best friend, gf, bf, whatever... that you could be sincerely and the other party is taking it for granted or decides they should want to leave. Let them.
Always remember your value. In the end, most times, they realize what they've lost and would come back. Always think of yourself, and everyone in your life as special and treat them accordingly. Everyone is special. And... if you lose any of those ones... you'd be losing a good thing. And most likely, you'd live to regret it.
I've had people list me as regrets (of having lost). My ex-es did say as much post-breakup, years later... I've had friends that have said as much as well (of course on a platonic level). Likewise, I have my list of people I regret losing that I ponder from time to time. I have moments where I re-think breakups... and I can't think of a person more absolute than me when I start to walk, so pride alone stops me from turning back after all my huffing and puffing.
Anyways... it's getting late and I'm forgetting the point of this post.
In conclusion, the main points I hope I made was that.. while cheating is not a good thing and should not be condoned, ignorance does equal bliss sometimes. And cheating doesn't necessarily mean you don't love the person - it could simply mean you're momentarily distracted by a shiney, new toy so to speak. Also, never forget your value as a person or ever forget you're special regardless, and treat others accordingly.
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11 comments
Particle man
ReplyDeleteYour writing is excellent. However I can't agree with your "ignorance is bliss" theory..."Knowledge is power"
ReplyDeleteWe as humans make choices in our commitments.
For example. It's not about "being distracted" but rather ALLOWING yourself to be distracted.
But that's just me.
As a guy, if my girl was cheating/cheated on me, I would want to know.
That way I can alter my perception of reality accordingly.
Instead of having the suspicion and doubt ...
and the possibility, I have the reality.
Or what I would perceive as such.
spoken as a true homosexual... o-o
ReplyDeletewow shellz.... i like it...the insight is on point
ReplyDeletecurllan is an ass btw lol
men/women...we both cheat for very different reasons but almos similiar...men as u say cheat more so cuz dey can not primrily cuz dey dnt luv anymore.
ReplyDeletewomen on the other hand cheat more so cuz ah lack of attention...ofcourse each wud hav there badhabits wen it cums to dat...
well as blissful as ignorance may be i think its best to kno...nobody wants to live a lie.
there are 2 issues to touch on here.... one is how to deal with a cheating partner.. and the other is what should a friend who finds out do. the first is a topic with no correct answer... some say ignorance is bliss... jamal said knowledge is power.. this is the exact issue.. its true that.. what you dont know cant hurt you.. but does that mean its ok for your partner to cheat if you never find out.. personally i'd rather know and alter my perception of reality like jamal said. but some people dont have the same views.. what works for me wont necessarily work for you.. the inevitable truth is.. everyone cheats... at some point or the other.. no one likes to feel betrayed or like the fool.. but if your gonna break up with everyone that cheats on you... you'll have a long search to find that someone who wont cheat.. and even if u do.. i bet you will probably find another problem with them... "trust can not be proven.. only disproven" a quote from jamal... sure your partner may not cheat.. but you wont note that.. people tend to ignore the good when the bad appears.. sure your boyfriend may cheat.. but he mite be a prince charming that makes u feel like a princess... sure your girlfriend may cheat but you'll never find someone who can do what she does for you.. betrayal hurts.... thats a fact..while i hate to admit it.. and probably wont go with it myself.. ignorances probably is bliss... its probably better you dont know..because like i said.. what u dont know cant hurt you.. as long as your partner loves and wants to be with u...im not sayin cheating is ok.. but a rule i like to impose on my relationships.. dont do what u would't like if it were done to u..and for the friend that knows.. in my opinion.. the best thing to do is go directly to the cheating partner... and ask them to stop.. because if you friend finds out you knew and did nothing you made the wrong choice as well.. i think i cud forgive my friend if they said they told my partner that they knew and they want her to stop.. and didn't tell me because they knew it'd cause my trouble... sure i'd be a lil upset with them.. but i'd see that they were lookin out for my wellbeing
ReplyDeleteHmmm... D... seems like we're batting for the same team then... what you don't know can't hurt you.. right? In some instances.. but that's not to say it's the right thing either. To cheat that is..
ReplyDeleteI don't agree. Now, there are many levels of cheating (apparently) but one always has the choice. The action part of cheating can be controlled because it is physical. If you love someone, you will do everything in your power not to hurt them, thus, you will not cheat. You can never cheat with good intentions on someone you love. One may not 'mean' to hurt them, but it is logical, that when the person finds out, and they will, that they will be hurt. Also, if you forgive someone for cheating, that does not mean that you have to be with them, but that is another story altogether.
ReplyDeleteIgnorance is bliss, but that bliss is also a lie. I personally don't think I would tell, but I have not come across that situation as yet. I do not condone cheating, whether it is my best friend or a stranger. Alas, the relationship is between two people (haha- or not) but it is their business and not mine. However it is undeniable that the relationship does not exist because it is untrue.
i would sum my comment into a few lines....a person shouldnt be in a relationship with any one if they cant give 100% to there partner.... i dont say mistakes dont happen but in a relationship u should at least respect ur partner to let them know....ignorance is bliss but is it fair?....no it isnt and the only people that wouldnt agree are people who are afraid of the truth....BUT AT THE END, THIS IS JUST MY THOUGHT
ReplyDeleteHmmm
ReplyDeleteit's interesting and everyone is so different and individual. I can only speak for myself when i say my take, which is"
If you love me, and you knew it would hurt me but you consciously did it anyway...how can i trust you?
if you did it and tried to beery it, acknowledging that 'what is in the dark must come to light' and that very attempt at berrying the mistake will only lengthen my pain...
i consider these actions as making a conscious attempt to hurt me. at the end of the day when you say 'Sorry' after cheating, continuing to cheat and continuing to make sure i dont find out...
'Sorry' is not a one time thing or word but a continuous action, in my book.
That is to say if u did it once and were sorry u'd have stopped, if you continued in any form to consciously do something that would cause me pain
then that makes me question 'what do u mean when you say 'love'
as for have a friend who sees u being cheated on...*sigh* i have unfortunately been in this situati0on on more than one occation and it hurts like a mofo...i think it's very important for everyone to decided on their own how they'd handle it...how did i handle it? i showed them the same respect i expecfted of them.
Sure, i didn't bust through the dorrs with my baseball bat screaming lets go beat a bitch down, as we all like to tell ourselves would be our first action. But, i did what i felt was my duty as a friend.
if one thinks their duty as a friend is to gtfo the ppl business *shrug* so be it.
i'll say this though: i sure hope none of my friends hold that principle...
interesting post, reminds me of a study i once read which kind of confirmed my own views onto why men cheat, study showed that humans are indeed animals.
ReplyDeletethere are always the groups that stay among each other and get along great, then thier are the ones looking for the packs to join.
when the mail is looking he lacks appeal but when he joins one particulalry if he finds a mate he instantly gains appeal 5 fold.
this brings in intreset from the opposite sex because on a sub consious level most females want to find a male that would lead to strong offspring (in humans this happens even is the female does not want children). as for the male, on a sub conscious level they want to spread them selfs around to keep their gene pool going for many decades, centuries,ect.
so in short both sexes have a scientific reason to cheat however not right.
Women want pretty,accepted,cute,handsome,strong offspring. and men want to let their Genes go on forever. neither one condones cheating but it sheds light onto why both sexes can stoop so low.