Don't play with it

***
"I was praying last night and I found myself asking God for happiness.

-Hevan Leigh

***

I'm so tired of being tired.

It's been a long, tumultuous couple weeks packed with drama and deadlines. This is probably the first official break I've had to post coherently in a while. One of my fears I guess was not knowing how to express myself as I usually do without overwhelming my writing with emotion. However, I decided to just suck it up and type. Whatever flows over, flows over. It's just been one of those past couple weeks. So... consider this my fair warning. Any posts from now and for the next couple weeks run the risk of being highly inexplicably emotive and candid.

I was pondering making this a life lessons post but I decided against it because I couldn't elaborate sufficiently on any one particular lesson. Instead, it's more like a series of revelations I had about myself.

Firstly, I learned that although I consider myself to be an incredibly impatient person: I always want things now for now. I found myself exercising patience that I never knew I had. Patience and understanding. Of course, patience and understanding rarely ever work out in your favour in the long run...

...Lesson number two, you can know it all and understand it all but it doesn't necessarily change a damn thing. In fact, all that understanding could just lead to bitterness, or further confusion once denial sets in, or the onslaught of questions in efforts to understand better. People don't always have answers. Thus, it can lead to the creation of a very frustrating situation.

...That could release your inner child. I don't mean the happy inner child. I mean the relentless inner child. The one that recognizes his/her naivety and demands to be released from the ignorance that surrounds him/her. I think everyone has that experience at least once in their lives. They feel that they just need to know. What is it that they need to know isn't always quite certain. I think it's more a heightened awareness that something's different and a need to figure out what it is.

...But then, thats where truth comes in. The truth is that everyone lies. Facts never change... But truth is the delivery of fact, and that delivery is oft subject to alteration. Thus, in reality, you may never know all that you've convinced yourself that you need to know.

Therefore, all of that to say, sometimes distance is what we really need, and not closure.

***

There are things that I wish I could change. Situations I would love to replay and do differently. Steps I would love to retrace. People I would have preferred to have never met. Places I wish I had never been.

However, such is life. Each one of these experiences, mind you despite wishes aren't quite regrets, have shaped me into who I am. And while I may not understand everything now... it'll all make sense soon enough. It always does in time.

Besides, everything is always ok in the end... And if it's not ok, then it's not the end.

***

...Why does she live in a world so cold?

...took advantage of the nice, naive and beautiful...

We're all dealt our lumps of coal...

What you do with it can turn beautiful

Well there's a life outside of this madness

And there's a face behind every scar

But there's a love overflowing with gladness

Get out of that place that's restraining your love.

-'Nice, naive & beautiful' Plumb

I'm out.