Don't play with it

You
Keep out
Chocolate
under my view
Habitually
Carefree like free spirits.

***

You are,
my favourite complexity
which is addicting like an enigma
that i can't just let go of.
Humbling at the same time...
Like stepping off an edge
into the realm of uncertainty
And feeling the pull of curiosity and promise
I step forward with a touch of fear.
A touch of fear because
In the darkness lies potential bones
of the corpses of past mistakes
waiting to be tripped over
debilitating, mocked naivety.

Yet instincts and trust
pave an uncanny path
which i cannot see
but i can feel
the allure,
the promise
of a security
and kindling a hope of something more.
As i pause momentarily
the feeling engulfs
and i start to remember
what it was like to want;
reciprocated.
And that is scary too...

Somehow the darkness perceived
Is a misgiving perception
Of vision through tarnished lens.
Fortunately,
with fumbling in darkness
vision becomes unnecessary luxury.
Why see what I can feel?
Why doubt what my spirit trusts?
Implicitly, perhaps not
For the bones still linger in the backgrounds of my mind...
But I feel the warmth of light
Welcoming and soothing to my soul
like a kindred spirit approaching.
Perhaps delusional thoughts,
Perhaps delusional feelings,
But right now,
It feels right.
Took long enough to trust my instincts,
And if I'm wrong,
I'll just call it a lesson learned.

Throwback post...?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

If people want to walk out of your life - let them go.

spent most of last night...dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out, the jokes on you
he is salt and you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you into the worst situations
i'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat
-"My heart is the worst kind of weapon" FOB

[...skipped a summer part on shopping...]

***

Saturday was the closing of a chapter.

Officially, it was the last day of summer. Last day because public transport doesn't run on Sunday and Monday.

The four of us went to the beach. It was delightful.

Me and Sher laid in the sand along the shore, chatted randomly. Shamz was taking pics. Ru laying on the sand by our bags.

In a way, that day indeed felt like an end to something. There was an edge of finality to everything about it. Whether the four of us chose to acknowledge it... or not.

Whether the finalty lies within that of the end of summer... or the end of the time when we are young, first time out of school and not employed. The sort of innocence and naivety that lies within that period thats soon to end. Or maybe, who knows, a disintegration of the foursome itself.

The chapter concluded with this weird path in the sky. How's that for irony. I wonder who's path it is... whether it was a metaphor for the four of us being on the same path.. or maybe realizing our paths... who knows.

It was delightful and calming. I liked it. Happy days.

*********

your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
...
now i'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me
...
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing on your bedroom windows ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to...is nothing more than collateral damage
-"My heart is the worst kind of weapon" FOB

*does courtesy bow*
*waves*
ciao.

Posted by Shells :: 11:53 AM

This guy just cracks me up
Ron says (7:52 PM):
*is your cell phone off?
Shelli... says (7:53 PM):
*no s
*:S
*my minutes are done
*all i have are nite minutes
Ron says (7:54 PM):
*oh
*you have a predpaid phone?
Shelli... says (7:54 PM):
*yea
Ron says (7:54 PM):
*i called and some guy in a stern message said "the subscriber you are trying to reach is not taking calls at this time. click"
*haha
Ron says (7:55 PM):
*like hes mad at you
*or me

*sigh*

Doing what needs to be done because it wouldn't get done otherwise. I am too lazy for my own good, and I know I was lazy before but ..... this is a gradual progression into a life never intended.

So... I'm back to writing lists and scheduling my time in. By the end of today, my paper will be half way complete or at the very least, commenced. I shall attempt economics homework... And... I will paint.

Proper update later.
Spring is here.
It's cool outside.

***

They say that deep down, everyone knows what's best for them - even if they don't want to admit it to themselves. You can tell from the very inception whether something will work or not, from the mere core intuition of it all, but there's almost nothing greater than denial. And it's our reluctance to admit what's wrong and learn to let go that keeps us holding on trying to make something work. Trying to fit a triangle into a circle.

We are the gatekeepers to our own happiness. Our own prison wardens. Sometimes, life is that simple - we just complicate it. Sometimes it really could just be either, or. And you just follow through and try not to regret it because... to cop that cliche, have no regrets because whatever you did at that point in time was exactly what you wanted. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.. I'm just trying things out, seeing what works but for the first time. In a long time. It feels right, uncertain, but right. I'm not saying my decisions won't be mistakes, I don't know the outcomes... but what's important is that it feels like the right decisions. And thats peaceful in and of itself.

I've been bouncing back and forth indecisively trying to figure out who I am and what paths I am choosing for myself...and every day, funnily enough, I grow more confused yet at the same time I'm worrying less and less. I'm learning that the answers unfold before your eyes if you just give it time - just wait and be patient.

I've been reflecting upon the different friends I've met and what my Lit prof said about solipsism, and how we are all mirrors of ourselves. We all reflect images of each other, a little fragment... Free will isn't as free as we think, nor are our identities... It's shaped and influenced and balanced off by everything around us.. Perhaps, nature's little manipulation. Nuntheless, everything works out in the end. All the puzzle pieces fit eventually. Nothing is static in nature, it's fluid... like oil rolling off of... I don't even know what. But it sounds nice.. has more constitution than water...

Anyways... there comes a point when the most absurd thing is what works. You can't stop and think about it. You can't always analyze it. You stop, and trust that where ever you are, whatever you are doing, whom ever you are with is happening in this exact moment, for a completely valid reason. One that you don't know yet... one thats a part of the bigger picture of the bigger picture that we are all a part of.

"Therefore, live every day as if it's the first day of your life. The only day that isn't, is the day that you die."

Relax. And quit pretending. Just be.... and live.....!

Everything that is meant to happen... eventually does.

Also, embrace your weirdness.. Like Bette Midler says, cherish forever what makes you unique, for without it - you are a just a yawn.

And, I'd rather be anything, than ordinary, please.

I love my eccentricities.

Everyone should see that movie... "American Beauty"

It's just.. a lovely piece of literature caught on film.

And... I'd rather be anything, than ordinary please.

Shelli out.

Ughh... I wanna paint but its 4 in the morning...! I'm going to get up at 6 .. yes yes... that I will do.

*wink*

So it's the first day of the fourth month and fortunately enough, everyone in my life is way too busy to try and pull pranks on me.

I got my History paper back - I got an A. I got my Literature paper back, and along with the whole class, I have sentence by sentence edits... *mutter grumble mutter* To do over the paper for next Tuesday because she wants us to become better writers and such... which is awesome... but I don't wanna write this paper over and polish it up.. chuts.

So finally I've decided to sit back and relax while I watch before me as things complicate themselves without my involvement. Somehow, I find myself in the midst of sheer confused minds... and each day that passes things seemingly become less certain, more comedic - except it fails to tickle my funny bone most of the time, and fragile. And each day they seem to get a little closer to touch the outskirts of insanity.

So now... I've fully exhausted myself with trying to know. Before I walk back into a historical repetition and get caught up in a matrix...I realize I have a bad habit of forming my own conclusions and stubbornly holding onto it.. but this time, I'm just going to relax and observe... and yea, I'm finally learning how to do that. No over analyzing or under analyzing.

*sigh* I don't know anymore...

Wait...wait... that's a lie... I know what I want... Recently I've been majoring in "knowing what I want" I just wish the people around me did so we could move forward, be it united or separate... Some things are worth the fight. Some things it's better to spare yourself the trouble and leave it alone, because its just not worth it... and other things fall into that alluring "unattainable" category of no matter how hard you try, it'll always be just out of reach, just not meant for you.

It's just a matter of patience and intuition to decipher it. Pity, neither are in my repertoire of virtues.

***