Don't play with it

So I roll through this world like a tumbleweed on a dry open field. Every now and then I land embarrassingly enough in a pot hole, and a little piece of me remains as the wind pushes me along. Before I know it, my size has shrunk a bit and my sense of identity constantly changing... Then I guess, I fall in some mud, roll some more and gain some more size.

The point of that is... there is no point... Right now I wish I could just KNOW. Know ONE thing, anything, and be certain. Be certain of some level of permanence... I mean, I knew myself well enough to know how indecisive I can be but... wow... I think this is a brand new high, or low.

On a good day, I think I know that all will be well and my notions were correct. I run around fixing all that's wrong with the world, speaking in absolutes, strutting with confidence. I trust in faith... of the overall theory of good will overcome evil... and the overwhelming good that exists deep down in humanity. I smile to myself and I defend my beliefs... like a good little human.

On a bad day, I think I could find a connection to every mistake and that has been made... Every misspoken word, every unintended action, every ill-fated effort and turn it into something completely tawdry and absurd and foolish... yet so simple like how those mystery/suspense movies plausibly tie up all loose ends.

On either day, at the end of it... I feel slightly bad because despite my conviction in my voice... I don't know what to believe. Then I start to feel bad about questioning things so much when I should just trust it.

But how can you trust a jigsaw puzzle that looks right no matter how you flip the pieces? How can you conclude is the REAL TRUE way it is supposed to be.

And every day I just can't let go of my indecisiveness. It keeps me slightly fixed to one spot no matter how much I'm moving in other aspects of my life... It keeps me holding on to 'What if I move this piece here?'

And that.. is...
Truly depressing.

***

On another note, it seems no good deed goes unpunished. I mean I learned all I needed to learn from what culminated with Shawn end of February and I swore never to repeat anything out of good intentions again. From now on, I shall watch you walk onto the train tracks wary or not of the oncoming train...

Ok... so maybe not quite as mean...

But a few weeks succeeding that moment when I supposed to have learned my lesson I did my usual well ended sure-footed talk, can't remember if it was a good day or a bad day... but what ever was said was said... and it came back to bite me in the backside.

BUT that's all right. I already decided about a month ago that I don't want to know other people's business, that I will mind my own... and that I will try my hardest/damnedest(yes it is a word) to avoid gossip.

And, I shall give myself a cookie because I have succeeded thus far since my resolution.

I realized I relied on one too many people as well... and then I further realized I was lazily relying on people when I should have been relying on myself.

I can feel myself slipping into isolation mode... how it was a couple years back when I just cut myself off from everybody.

Nobody can't disappoint you if there's no one there to let you down... and there's no one for you to disappoint other than yourself... and I mean, since it's been said a million times we are our worst critics, we should be accustom to the abuse by now right?

***

These things call friendships are exhausting.
I'm done.
I'm no longer fixing anything.
I'm no longer running back to fix anything.
I'm no longer looking for excuses to justify people's actions.
And yea, it's not for me to judge anyone, so I'm going to try my best not to run around judging anyone...but at the same point in time I'm going to try not to keep making the same mistakes with the same people over and over... just because this time, I swear it; I learned from what happened before; it won't ever happen again; that was the last time; I've changed... blah blah blah b.s. when there's no actions to follow and support all these words.

And yea, I know I've uttered those words in italics before too... but I'm sincerely trying to change. It's not a matter of follow through, it's a matter of how long I can keep it up for... God give me strength.

I'm tired.
I'm done.
Until I forget and end up right where I am again...

This is my pre(one day before)-one year of knowing him post.
This is my weekend before my birthday post.
This is my weekend before I start to get serious about my life post.
This is my weekend that I made it into church and actually listened post.
This is my expression of how frustrated I am post.
This is my "I should be setting my kids exams" post.

This is my... I'm not nearly as flexible as I think because my dash back hurts now... post.

Shelli out.