Don't play with it

Every day I wake up.. well recently... I look around and wonder *minus a couple expletives* how I got here.

I mean... I squint my eyes. I tilt my head. I put on my glasses. I squint my eyes some more. I tilt my head the opposite direction. I slap my cheeks in the untimely (but fortunate) event that I'm dreaming... AND then I realize and go..."Dang...chile..." *blink blink* "How the HELL did I reach here?"

Then I switch gears to DILLIGAF mode, gather my things, roll through with hater blockers. Or perhaps not entirely with the hater blockers, but the mere conscious thought of acting is if I am wearing a pair. An effort to rise above the preconceived stares and questioning glances. An effort to rise above and swim up to the surface of this rising flood and take that gulp of fresh air.

Show my new profound understanding of what it means to have self-preservation instincts to kick in. Only the strong survive right? And like Sara Bareilles said "head underwater, and they tell me, breathe easily for a while. Breathing gets harder - even I know that."


***

So I proceed to walk along on my journey. Believe me I'm stumbling... oh how I stumble. BUT the important thing is that I'm moving. The important thing, the imperative bottom line is that there's movement forward. A centimeter, a millimeter, an inch... it's still a fraction away from where I once was.

I believe all these past couple months have made me more spiritual. *gasp* I'm having serious notions of going to church. *bigger gasp*.

I've philosophizing a lot... Replaying the past events, reconnecting dots, re-concluding conclusions... I believe that I am right with my beliefs, even if not 100% more than 50% right... about every shade of gray that added to the dreariness of the situation. Now every thought, and every word, and every recollection pieces itself together like links in a chain, strengthened by the minute, strengthening my resolve to get up.

Yes I believe it's official. The nail, the pain in my backside, finally hurts enough for me to get up and do something about it... rather than sit and wallow and complain and be melodramatic and sulk... Let's hope the memory of the pain lasts long enough for me not to forget and plant my rear back in the same spot before I move away far enough.

Regarding my recent philosophies on life... The inspiration that overwhelmed me last weekend to right it has ebbed away and been replaced with temporary frustration because of something that happened, again. But I'm learning to recognize it better every day. And in time I would learn how to stop myself from being in that given situation... with all things - time, great patience and long memory.

***

Somebody ring the alarm... another fine woman's coming... ohhh ehhhh...

*giggle*

***

I'm feeling sick now.. mind you this is 3 hours after my last break since I started this post.

Shelli out.