Don't play with it

Yesterday was my birthday.

It was quiet. I guess that is what you get when your birthday can't even fall on convenient work day... it's like being the almost middle child.

Anyways, what did I do? I came to work. I invigilated exams. I ran away early. Hung out with random friends.

I think the after effects of the alcohol lingers... I feel drowsy.

I'm at work now. So I shall try and type up something proper later on.

Ciao

Alright, so I have felt a little too passionately about a couple issues yesterday.

Today I'm much more relaxed. I found out something, I dealt with it. I'm probably burying my head in the sand about it... but my dad told me "make light of the things that you cannot change". There is no reason to worry excessively about things that you have little control over... all you can do is deal with the things within your ability, and pray for some patience, or guidance, or some solution to the issues that seem out of your control.

Anyways...
Shelli out for now.
I lost my train of thought...
tbc...

So I roll through this world like a tumbleweed on a dry open field. Every now and then I land embarrassingly enough in a pot hole, and a little piece of me remains as the wind pushes me along. Before I know it, my size has shrunk a bit and my sense of identity constantly changing... Then I guess, I fall in some mud, roll some more and gain some more size.

The point of that is... there is no point... Right now I wish I could just KNOW. Know ONE thing, anything, and be certain. Be certain of some level of permanence... I mean, I knew myself well enough to know how indecisive I can be but... wow... I think this is a brand new high, or low.

On a good day, I think I know that all will be well and my notions were correct. I run around fixing all that's wrong with the world, speaking in absolutes, strutting with confidence. I trust in faith... of the overall theory of good will overcome evil... and the overwhelming good that exists deep down in humanity. I smile to myself and I defend my beliefs... like a good little human.

On a bad day, I think I could find a connection to every mistake and that has been made... Every misspoken word, every unintended action, every ill-fated effort and turn it into something completely tawdry and absurd and foolish... yet so simple like how those mystery/suspense movies plausibly tie up all loose ends.

On either day, at the end of it... I feel slightly bad because despite my conviction in my voice... I don't know what to believe. Then I start to feel bad about questioning things so much when I should just trust it.

But how can you trust a jigsaw puzzle that looks right no matter how you flip the pieces? How can you conclude is the REAL TRUE way it is supposed to be.

And every day I just can't let go of my indecisiveness. It keeps me slightly fixed to one spot no matter how much I'm moving in other aspects of my life... It keeps me holding on to 'What if I move this piece here?'

And that.. is...
Truly depressing.

***

On another note, it seems no good deed goes unpunished. I mean I learned all I needed to learn from what culminated with Shawn end of February and I swore never to repeat anything out of good intentions again. From now on, I shall watch you walk onto the train tracks wary or not of the oncoming train...

Ok... so maybe not quite as mean...

But a few weeks succeeding that moment when I supposed to have learned my lesson I did my usual well ended sure-footed talk, can't remember if it was a good day or a bad day... but what ever was said was said... and it came back to bite me in the backside.

BUT that's all right. I already decided about a month ago that I don't want to know other people's business, that I will mind my own... and that I will try my hardest/damnedest(yes it is a word) to avoid gossip.

And, I shall give myself a cookie because I have succeeded thus far since my resolution.

I realized I relied on one too many people as well... and then I further realized I was lazily relying on people when I should have been relying on myself.

I can feel myself slipping into isolation mode... how it was a couple years back when I just cut myself off from everybody.

Nobody can't disappoint you if there's no one there to let you down... and there's no one for you to disappoint other than yourself... and I mean, since it's been said a million times we are our worst critics, we should be accustom to the abuse by now right?

***

These things call friendships are exhausting.
I'm done.
I'm no longer fixing anything.
I'm no longer running back to fix anything.
I'm no longer looking for excuses to justify people's actions.
And yea, it's not for me to judge anyone, so I'm going to try my best not to run around judging anyone...but at the same point in time I'm going to try not to keep making the same mistakes with the same people over and over... just because this time, I swear it; I learned from what happened before; it won't ever happen again; that was the last time; I've changed... blah blah blah b.s. when there's no actions to follow and support all these words.

And yea, I know I've uttered those words in italics before too... but I'm sincerely trying to change. It's not a matter of follow through, it's a matter of how long I can keep it up for... God give me strength.

I'm tired.
I'm done.
Until I forget and end up right where I am again...

This is my pre(one day before)-one year of knowing him post.
This is my weekend before my birthday post.
This is my weekend before I start to get serious about my life post.
This is my weekend that I made it into church and actually listened post.
This is my expression of how frustrated I am post.
This is my "I should be setting my kids exams" post.

This is my... I'm not nearly as flexible as I think because my dash back hurts now... post.

Shelli out.

As usual, I had a lovely post all planned out in my head and I had a series of interruptions that prevented me from staying at the PC long enough to type it up... now I have to feel my way through and hope and pray that at least a fragment comes back to me.

***

I re-entered my "I adore Alanis" mode.

I remember in Literature class back in college, in the midst of all that research for papers, I stumbled across a bit of info that said Shakespeare had a great understanding of human emotions. This I won't contest, there's one too many schools of thought written on the subject. However,I would never say I was a fan of Shakespeare, but at the same point in time, I could appreciate his work. The time frame through which his plays ranged mirrored the Elizabethan society in such a manner that the metaphors could not be missed and an understanding could not have any more revealing depth.

This understanding was probably influenced by what I was simultaneously learning history class, but yea... that's another story...and I'm rambling... and this has naught to do with Alanis.

So for the generations that Shakespeare's writing catered for reflected this understanding of human emotions...

Alanis Morisette may be no playwright, nor a singer of the grandeur kind... but as a lyricist or a poet, her writing is so candid that it is so easy for anyone to relate - prejudiced against the pop/rock genre or not. She does not necessarily write about a range of daily emotions, but rather accurately writes about the intricate dynamic emotions experienced throughout relationships. The intricacies of the beginning, the wasted chances, past regrets, maybe's/what if's, future possibilities and the culmination. Then aside from how she writes the songs, her performance always adds a new dimension to each piece.

(Below I have a few excerpts from two of her songs)

What I wouldn't give to find a soul mate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
-"All I really want"

Dear Jonathan
I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely
about themselves
and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time
I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think
of the early 90's
you face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

Dear Terrance
I love you muchly
you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and
supportive
and
nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and
pushing you
away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry
in front
of you for the first time
you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself
what was wrong with me

Dear Marcus
You rocked my world
you had a charismatic way about you with the women and
you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let
me get
away with kicking me own ass
but I would never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you
though
and that stopped us from going any further than we did
and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun
-"Unsent"

Ok so these might not be the best representation of her lyrical masterpieces... muahahaha! But these are all that I could think up and copy in my current state of mind and slightly drugged (Advil cold & sinus) state.

***

In regards to my blog title, I just realized today that sometimes we tend to hold on to things long after the thing has passed. We sit and deliberate on a moment as if it has been frozen in time... when in reality not only has the moment long been carried away by the gentle winds of time but the people that existed in that moment have long moved on. It's almost as opening your eyes for the first time after crying in your sleep, to realize you are sitting flat on your bottom, clinging onto a teddy bear, watching the world spin before your eyes. The world isn't waiting for your deliberations... so just get over it.

Shelli is sick and tired.
Literally.
Shelli out.

Every day I wake up.. well recently... I look around and wonder *minus a couple expletives* how I got here.

I mean... I squint my eyes. I tilt my head. I put on my glasses. I squint my eyes some more. I tilt my head the opposite direction. I slap my cheeks in the untimely (but fortunate) event that I'm dreaming... AND then I realize and go..."Dang...chile..." *blink blink* "How the HELL did I reach here?"

Then I switch gears to DILLIGAF mode, gather my things, roll through with hater blockers. Or perhaps not entirely with the hater blockers, but the mere conscious thought of acting is if I am wearing a pair. An effort to rise above the preconceived stares and questioning glances. An effort to rise above and swim up to the surface of this rising flood and take that gulp of fresh air.

Show my new profound understanding of what it means to have self-preservation instincts to kick in. Only the strong survive right? And like Sara Bareilles said "head underwater, and they tell me, breathe easily for a while. Breathing gets harder - even I know that."


***

So I proceed to walk along on my journey. Believe me I'm stumbling... oh how I stumble. BUT the important thing is that I'm moving. The important thing, the imperative bottom line is that there's movement forward. A centimeter, a millimeter, an inch... it's still a fraction away from where I once was.

I believe all these past couple months have made me more spiritual. *gasp* I'm having serious notions of going to church. *bigger gasp*.

I've philosophizing a lot... Replaying the past events, reconnecting dots, re-concluding conclusions... I believe that I am right with my beliefs, even if not 100% more than 50% right... about every shade of gray that added to the dreariness of the situation. Now every thought, and every word, and every recollection pieces itself together like links in a chain, strengthened by the minute, strengthening my resolve to get up.

Yes I believe it's official. The nail, the pain in my backside, finally hurts enough for me to get up and do something about it... rather than sit and wallow and complain and be melodramatic and sulk... Let's hope the memory of the pain lasts long enough for me not to forget and plant my rear back in the same spot before I move away far enough.

Regarding my recent philosophies on life... The inspiration that overwhelmed me last weekend to right it has ebbed away and been replaced with temporary frustration because of something that happened, again. But I'm learning to recognize it better every day. And in time I would learn how to stop myself from being in that given situation... with all things - time, great patience and long memory.

***

Somebody ring the alarm... another fine woman's coming... ohhh ehhhh...

*giggle*

***

I'm feeling sick now.. mind you this is 3 hours after my last break since I started this post.

Shelli out.

I become prolix.
I become prolix each time I keep flipping rhymes
to fit your riddles
I become prolix with each broken promise
I become prolix with each schizophrenic moment
I become prolix with each schizophrenic moment you have
That needs explaining.
I become prolix when my bones and mind grow weary.
I become prolix when my thoughts assault those around me.
I become prolix. I become prolix...
I become damn tired.

Fitting for a piper that can't fix the pipe that he plays.

Adri, Ru and myself went out and celebrated her birthday... several days later.

Ok, partial lie. We were chaperoning... but HEY. We're good chaperons.. we chaperon from a different building. *wink*

But, seriously, we were post-celebrating.

We went to the new branch of Rituals on Wallstreet in Grand Anse. It was gorgeous. Adri and I kept gushing about how Manhattan-esque we felt just sitting on the outside patio of the place, and Russel kept watching us incredulously.

I had a Moccachino grande. Adri had a Mocha chiller and Ru had Caramel chiller I believe. I think gluttony got me sick with the grande business... halfway through the moccachino I started to feel full and nauseous. I forced an issue for the pretty price I paid for it... I burped my nausea for a good 15-20 minutes until I stopped being conscious of it.

It was so much fun.

Oh.

Next week, we're planning to go to De Vinos at Le Marquis mall, Grand Anse. Order a bottle of wine, and live like the Italians do for an hour or so. Get some cheese and just chill. Mmm... good times.

***

Today was one hell of a controversy otherwise. People always talk. They always have something to say... and they take delight to articulate these words past their lips... and when they reach your eardrums they sow the seed of distrust. Whom do we trust? We start to doubt ourselves... whom could know better than ourselves?

For the first time in a month or so... I've made a firm decision. One that should have been made ages ago. I felt one foot move one step in front of the other in the direction of progress. I could feel the air being released from my chest and dispelled into the air in a sigh of relief. It was then I realized, I along with everyone else, was waiting for this moment.

Adri made her decisions too.

I hope Ru had some grand epiphany like we did in these moments... chances are he did... chances are he didn't.

*hugs the world*

Everybody knows... almost doesn't count.

Soooo... let's fight providence. Change the world. Make a step... for if you're not moving... you're going NO WHERE.




Today was last assembly.

As I sat at Reno I watched the students do their little dances and sing their songs as they bid their farewell to their school.. their safe harbour over the past 5 years.

I could feel a slight smile play against the edges of my lips on occasion as I looked on... I tried to remember what it was like for me.

It's been 4 years since I've graduated High School. I can't remember much about my final assembly... That kinda sucks. But.. I do remember feeling so happy, yet terrified of leaving... venturing off into the unknown. I remember feeling that it would be hard to survive without the faces I saw on a daily basis, including those that pissed me off. I remember holding on dearly to the memory of my teachers and their classes... and to some extent I still do.

But eventually, I was able to place it from present tense past things that I clung to for dear life, to things of the past that I place in the box called cherished memories that I whip out in moments like these... when you can't helped but breathe in the nostalgia in the air and get lost in your own reveries of the past...

Oh... high school... oh college... hmm...

***

Shelli Out.

Thank GOD I should be well on my way off this island... like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep.

As usual, all the usual amazing ideas come as after thoughts much much later when it wouldn't make a difference... such as the lovely set up of the house, the layout of the bar area (compliments to Russel), the layout of the food and such and such.

The surprise was at risk of becoming revealed because daddy came home early by accident. Fortunately, mom posted him back out and he didn't realize what was going on... at least not to the extent of "Hey they're throwing me a party!"

Nata came over. She was quite helpful, helping mum to serve the soup and such. Farie is back from the States, she'll be going to SGU come next semester I believe. Russel did a lovely job at the bar, I believe he set a precedent. Roxie brought up Nazzy...she's such a cutie pie.

All in all the party was good. There was food. There were people. There was music. There were blessings. There was laughter. There were cameras flashing...

...I believe...
Happy people...
Keep the world... stepping... grooving.... dancing....


***

I'm hungry. I want something sweet.... like cake.

Mmmm... birthday cake.

***


***

Shelli out for now.
I'm going to sleep...
...and steal birthday cake from the fridge.