Don't play with it

"How do you know if you've found the one?"

A friend asked me that question last night and I couldn't answer it directly. Each off-the-top-of-my-head response I could come up with was too indirect, too inconsequential, and not a fully direct answer. But at the very least, for me, it was honest. How do I know? I don't. And everyone who swears they know, I don't know if they really know because well... to be frank, things fall apart sometimes, more so, the very same things we swear by.

What I can say is this...


I grew up with the Disney movies where I learned about the inner goodness of humanity, passion and the boy meets girl (or vice versa), disaster occurs, problem gets resolved and they concur the odds and they ride off into the sunset living happily ever after.

Much has changed since Disney. What I've learned is that in reality relationships are more complex. One could try to simplify things in black and white, when you're looking for an out, but it's never quite that simple.

First off, life is dynamic, people are dynamic. Thus, one cannot expect relationships to not be dynamic as well. I told my friend, in one of my many attempts at answering his question, that relationships have an ebb and flow lifestyle. No two people are the same: there's going to be fall outs, fights, quiet moments, slight loss of interest, people get comfortable and then passion all over again and love, always. If there isn't, as far as I'm concerned, someone is pretending in the relationship or trying too hard. People aren't perfect enough for things to flow perfectly all the time.

That being said, the problems that arise sometimes tend to be "complicated." When I was younger I had a perception of absolutes. Everything was either/or for me. You're either doing this, or I'm not sticking in the relationship. You either saying this, or I'm not staying. You either look/behave a certain way when you start to think about thinking about talking to me or I won't pay you any mind. But since then, my perception has altered. I've realized in reality no one is perfect, sometimes they miss the first flight, sometimes they stumble in the second rounds, sometimes you just find them on an off day and sometimes stuff just happens.


That is not to say it's ok or right, it's to say it can be complicated at times. The weight of your belief in how much you want the relationship and its perceived worth determines how far up the scale you're willing to permit the range of "absolutely-not-happening-to-me <---------------> it's-complicated." Really and truly, it's only complicated when you care. Face it, many of the times forgiveness is bestowed, its mostly because we don't really want to let go of the person, not so much so that we're ok with the act and truly believe we can forget it.

Every relationship has its problems, regardless of how perfect it looks from the outside. So remember, never compare or judge your relationship on what you see because truth is, you don't know. All of my friends who are in relationships or have been in one, have had/do have very interesting stories. I've heard stories of ("technical")cheating, lies, heartbreak, attitude/behavioural issues, and the list goes on. There's situations during my absolute period that I swore by years ago, and ended up in much later only to find myself going "it's complicated" and not actually cutting my losses and running like I used to... likewise with my friends.

As we mature and enter what we perceive to be mature relationships, what we look for and want in a partner tends to shift. It's no longer the high school whims of "he must be cute," "he must be tall," "he must be older," and so forth. It's not surprising to end up with someone completely different from your initial outline of absolutes. The factors that complicate matters translates into ---> how much time has been invested, how much emotional attachment there is, how much financial investment there is, whether you have children together/or there's a pregnancy, parental involvement, etc. I've had friends that reconsidered leaving their relationships because of pregnancies, and they're pretty happy now. I've had friends who had to deal with cheating boyfriends but had time and financial investments... they worked through their issues and some are still going strong, others got married and sealed the deal.

Sometimes, when you've been with someone and you've got accustomed to them, you know what you're working with. Sometimes, someone new could be refreshing and a progressive step forward to better happiness and it makes the most plausible sense to let go and just move on. Other times, someone new could feel like work or be like 'buying cat in bag.'

I guess... what I'm getting at is...

How do you know who the one? I believe the one could be anyone... and if the soul mate theory is true, then I'm also inclined to believe we have multiple potential soul mates walking around us.

What does this all mean? I think on some level 'the one' is whomever you decide it to be, and 'the one' that works, is the person that reciprocates your feelings and you're on the same page with, in accordance to your personal core values and within the limits of your ability to compromise.

Thus, I see it as a choice. Everyone has options, regardless of whether their self-esteem permits them to acknowledge that reality or not. Whomever you're with, is a choice you make. Whomever you choose to be with for the rest of your life, or tie your heart to, again is a choice. I know they say you can't pick who you fall in love with, however, you can choose to stay.



And remember...