A friend asked me that question last night and I couldn't answer it directly. Each off-the-top-of-my-head response I could come up with was too indirect, too inconsequential, and not a fully direct answer. But at the very least, for me, it was honest. How do I know? I don't. And everyone who swears they know, I don't know if they really know because well... to be frank, things fall apart sometimes, more so, the very same things we swear by.
What I can say is this...
I grew up with the Disney movies where I learned about the inner goodness of humanity, passion and the boy meets girl (or vice versa), disaster occurs, problem gets resolved and they concur the odds and they ride off into the sunset living happily ever after.
Much has changed since Disney. What I've learned is that in reality relationships are more complex. One could try to simplify things in black and white, when you're looking for an out, but it's never quite that simple.
First off, life is dynamic, people are dynamic. Thus, one cannot expect relationships to not be dynamic as well. I told my friend, in one of my many attempts at answering his question, that relationships have an ebb and flow lifestyle. No two people are the same: there's going to be fall outs, fights, quiet moments, slight loss of interest, people get comfortable and then passion all over again and love, always. If there isn't, as far as I'm concerned, someone is pretending in the relationship or trying too hard. People aren't perfect enough for things to flow perfectlyall the time.
That being said, the problems that arise sometimes tend to be "complicated." When I was younger I had a perception of absolutes. Everything was either/or for me. You're either doing this, or I'm not sticking in the relationship. You either saying this, or I'm not staying. You either look/behave a certain way when you start to think about thinking about talking to me or I won't pay you any mind. But since then, my perception has altered. I've realized in reality no one is perfect, sometimes they miss the first flight, sometimes they stumble in the second rounds, sometimes you just find them on an off day and sometimes stuff just happens.
That is not to say it's ok or right, it's to say it can be complicated at times. The weight of your belief in how much you want the relationship and its perceived worth determines how far up the scale you're willing to permit the range of "absolutely-not-happening-to-me <---------------> it's-complicated." Really and truly, it's only complicated when you care. Face it, many of the times forgiveness is bestowed, its mostly because we don't really want to let go of the person, not so much so that we're ok with the act and truly believe we can forget it.
Every relationship has its problems, regardless of how perfect it looks from the outside. So remember, never compare or judge your relationship on what you see because truth is, you don't know. All of my friends who are in relationships or have been in one, have had/do have very interesting stories. I've heard stories of ("technical")cheating, lies, heartbreak, attitude/behavioural issues, and the list goes on. There's situations during my absolute period that I swore by years ago, and ended up in much later only to find myself going "it's complicated" and not actually cutting my losses and running like I used to... likewise with my friends.
As we mature and enter what we perceive to be mature relationships, what we look for and want in a partner tends to shift. It's no longer the high school whims of "he must be cute," "he must be tall," "he must be older," and so forth. It's not surprising to end up with someone completely different from your initial outline of absolutes. The factors that complicate matters translates into ---> how much time has been invested, how much emotional attachment there is, how much financial investment there is, whether you have children together/or there's a pregnancy, parental involvement, etc. I've had friends that reconsidered leaving their relationships because of pregnancies, and they're pretty happy now. I've had friends who had to deal with cheating boyfriends but had time and financial investments... they worked through their issues and some are still going strong, others got married and sealed the deal.
Sometimes, when you've been with someone and you've got accustomed to them, you know what you're working with. Sometimes, someone new could be refreshing and a progressive step forward to better happiness and it makes the most plausible sense to let go and just move on. Other times, someone new could feel like work or be like 'buying cat in bag.'
I guess... what I'm getting at is...
How do you know who the one? I believe the one could be anyone... and if the soul mate theory is true, then I'm also inclined to believe we have multiple potential soul mates walking around us.
What does this all mean? I think on some level 'the one' is whomever you decide it to be, and 'the one' that works, is the person that reciprocates your feelings and you're on the same page with, in accordance to your personal core values and within the limits of your ability to compromise.
Thus, I see it as a choice. Everyone has options, regardless of whether their self-esteem permits them to acknowledge that reality or not. Whomever you're with, is a choice you make. Whomever you choose to be with for the rest of your life, or tie your heart to, again is a choice. I know they say you can't pick who you fall in love with, however, you can choose to stay.
And remember...
"Live without pretending,
Love without depending,
Listen without defending.
Speak without offending,
Give without ending,
Build without rending."
-Nina Roberta Baker (*borrowed* by Drake)
And most importantly, whatever decisions you make... consider the consequences it shall be yours to live with. Not your best friend, not your parents, not your dog - but yours. Also, as hard as it may seem, trust that what's for you, is for you (again, once you've made it clear to the person your stance).
L’esprit d’escalier: (French) The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said. Translated it means “the spirit of the staircase.”
Waldeinsamkeit: (German) The feeling of being alone in the woods.
Meraki: (Greek) Doing something with soul, creativity, or love.
Forelsket: (Norwegian) The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.
Gigil: (Filipino) The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute.
Pochemuchka: (Russian) A person who asks a lot of questions.
Pena ajena: (Mexican Spanish) The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation.
Cualacino: (Italian) The mark left on a table by a cold glass.
Ilunga: (Tshiluba, Congo) A person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.
*Schadenfreude (German): is pleasure derived from others misfortunes.
*Mudita (Buddhist): is pleasure derived from someone's good fortunes.
I found this on Tumblr as well and thought it was interesting enough to share...
***
I was at a Kurt Vonnegat talk in New York a few years ago. Talking about writing, life, and everything.
He explained why people have such a need for drama in their life.
He said, “People have been hearing fantastic stories since time began. The problem is, they think life is supposed to be like the stories. Let's look at a few examples.”
He drew an empty grid on the board, like this:
Time moves from left to right. Happiness from bottom to top.
He said, “Let's look at a very common story arc. The story of Cinderella.”
It starts with her awful life with evil stepsisters, scrubbing the fireplace. Then she get an invitation to the ball! Things look up. Then the fairy godmother makes her a dress and a coach. Even better! Then she goes to the ball, and dances with the prince! This is great! But then it's midnight. She has to go. Oh no. Sadness. Back to her humdrum life scrubbing the fireplace. But it's not as bad as before, because she's had this encouraging experience. Then, the prince finds her, and the happiness factor is off the chart! Happily ever after.
“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.”
He wiped the board clean and said, “Now let's look at another popular story arc: the disaster.”
It's an ordinary day in an ordinary town. But something horrible happens! A child falls down a well! The whole town gathers to save her. Old grudges surface, but are belittled in the light of this tragedy. Rifts are bonded as people work together. The child is saved, and all is well. But notice it's a little better than it was before, now that this incident has brought them all closer together.
“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.”
But the problem is, life is really like this...
Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it'll be told for a thousand years.
“But because we grew up surrounded by big dramatic story arcs in books and movies, we think our lives are supposed to be filled with huge ups and downs! So people pretend there is drama where there is none.”
That's why people invent fights. That's why we're drawn to sports. That's why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.
"...And I know that if I end this I'll no longer have nothing left..."
- '25 to life' Eminem
***
The hardest part about ultimatums is... the follow through.
I've found my poetic voice once more. Perhaps by pure force... I went to the Poetry and Jazz night upstairs the museum with Sher. Funnily enough, Danielle was there with her students (I haven't seen her in ages). The main poets for the night didn't make it, so they called upon the audience to present pieces. Danielle, as with everyone in the clique from college, is an amazing poet/artist. Sooo... after Sher and Sham's performance, and the crowd was turned upon... We all turned on Danielle and pressured her to go spit something off the top of her head. Of course you know whose voice was the loudest. Thus, as she came off the stage, after doing a lovely impromptu piece, I started scribbling because I knew the next person to be pressured would be me.
It wasn't that bad. I haven't performed since MIGfest (Made in Grenada festival) years ago.
So what does all of this have to do with ultimatums? I'm thinking of them in terms of simplifying life with either or decisions. My drama teacher once told me when faced with a situation and you're stuck with indecisiveness, flip a coin and follow through regardless. Later on, I stumbled upon somewhere online that in actuality the beauty of flipping a coin, is that, in the moment the coin is in the air doing its multiple flips - you already know what you're hoping it to be.
But hope, never suffices. Should it even land on the desired face, it does not mean that anything would truly come to pass the way you'd intend, with the progression of time. Thus, it brings you back to square one - "the follow through regardless."
I remember recently a friend and I were having a discussion about the whole "what's yours is yours/what's meant to be will be" philosophy...and ultimately what we rationalized was that we're in control of our own fate. You can't change how where other people stand, effect their emotions accordingly, and so forth. Rather, you do have control over being explicitly clear where you stand so that others can know how to act accordingly. So that at the very least, you've done your very most.
I think 2009-2011 has served/is serving to show me the lessons of following through. At the heart of everything, it's never really about the things seemingly at the surface. It's never as emotional as people credit it to be. Love isn't the cure all solution to the world's problems. Nor does it never suffice long enough to carry the weight of anything.
What really carries the weight? Commitment. How committed are you to your decision?
You want to move out - so you did - and it's tougher than you expected... How committed are you, to seeing it through?
You're having relationship stress and there's someone else that makes the world look easier, but you've packed in years already, how committed are you to riding the wave when the water gets rough?
You're having a tough time managing your classes, but you picked them nuntheless and the option of dropping a course or two introduces itself, how committed are you to dig deep within yourself and make that grade?
How committed are you to pursuing your dreams? Making them your life's reality? For every aforementioned situation is ideally, a dream. How committed are you?
I guess... respect and commitment go hand in hand as well. How much respect do you have for yourself? The people around you? Etc.
So therefore, what I'm trying to say is, make a decision and commit to it. Then deal with the consequences, make another decision and commit to it. Deal with those consequences. And so forth. Hindsight is 50/50 but once you're making active decisions, you're actively moving. It's easier to give commentary about your journey when you'reactually on one, rather than staying within the safety of unsatisfying certainty and never venturing out, trying something new.
I knew of this before. Lots of my friends are doing the whole music thing these days. Akeem's producing some nice r n' b stuff. Coglan, Shaq and those other guys doing some good stuff too in Ynv. I've always been following Cleavy with his singing and rapping... and Jerry. Jerry is just special. He's creative to say the least with an epic sense of humour. I think his channel is mostly amusing yet entertaining soca from him and his friends.
And then there's G. Council. Well they're in their own league. They've been producing good stuff for well... as long as I've known of their existence.
***
So... what is it that I really wanted to write about?
Ynv's been around since 10/10/10. The founder is Shaq, a friend of mine. They're a label/promotions group. Even though they've been around a lil' while now... I only recently sat down, clicked and truly listened out one of their music videos on Facebook. Next thing I know, I'm asking Shaq for a copy of the song... He sends me to a page that has all the downloads and before you know it, I'm on their stream going through their stuff. The songs continue running automatically - as one ends, the next starts. And there am I seemingly helplessly downloading the tracks one after the other.
Some time this week or next week, I shall have a vidblog interview up with some more info... Meanwhile... check out their stuff!!! I believe they even have some mixtapes out too. What I like most about them is that right now they just seem to be constantly dropping (good) songs and actually updating their FB page.
So I stumbled across these kids recently. I say kids because anyone under the age of 18, to me, is a child as far as I'm concerned. I know I'm only in my early 20s but oh well... I'm (more) grown... hahaha
I saw their video before I saw Klick's. Klick is from G. Council and as I mentioned before, I already have high expectations of them and expect them to produce good, quality material.
But yea...
The group is called 'L.A.B.D.' which stands for "Little Adults, Big Dreams.' I know of a few of the members but I'm acquainted with one in particular, like a cute little brother. The group consists of four members - Jonny, Anton, Nikko and Ian. Another guy, Josh, sings with them as well from time to time. If you check out their youtube channel, you'd hear him on "I can't wait." They formed circa December.
How did I discover them? I was there minding my own business, idly perusing Facebook out of boredom and I saw a video in my stream that was posted on a friend's wall. Of course, I'm bored and have nothing else better to do, so I click.
As the video starts, I start wondering if I've seen this before because I swear it reminded me of Curren$y's "Breakfast" video. It wasn't as polished, but it bore enough resemblance and the flow was decent too. I then realized it wasn't Curren$y and it was people I actually knew. *insert confused face* Then as it progressed further I saw my friend and I was like.. whoa...
And honestly, in my opinion, it was the best local video I had seen in a while. It wasn't guys running around with their pants on the ground, it wasn't guys smoking excessively, it was some guys just having fun and doing their thing. Ok, there was a smoke scene. *frown* BUT I've reconciled that's what today's generation considers to be "cool." (Thanks to Khalifa, whom I still love nuntheless) I mean, it wasn't perfectly polished. But still...
I thought the "No pampers" vid was cleaner. However, I posted both below. I mean, look at the sequencing in clips at 0:33-0:34 and 1:47 in "Too Chill." They film and piece the videos on their own. Did I mention these are kids? Perhaps it's just that I'm lazy that I feel I'm incapable... but I thought it was a pretty impressive effort.
Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere. I'm a Caribbean artist/ wildlife conservationist/ adventure enthusiast. Hope my blog brings a bit of sunshine into your life.