Don't play with it

Life Lesson #10: People are never truly confused... and
Life Lesson # 11: it is true that sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same...
Life Lesson #12: Every decision has a consequence.. and it's impossible to know in absolute certainty that any given decision is the right one... but all we can do, is pick a decision, stand by it, and brace yourself for the consequences...
Life Lesson #13: I don't have to know everything. Ignorance can be bliss.
Life Lesson #14: Being honest is just wayyy easier than building mental walls to keep people out.

There is nothing like searching for an old post to force you to go through your collected thoughts. All I was looking for was one post, one oh so simple post on confusion... I didn't find it but what I found was questions and answers in a complexed format. I realized with all this moving (to a new country, school, life...etc) in many ways I'm just running in the same circles but on a larger scale. I discovered I'm smarter than I think I am, lol, funnily enough that is. I foresaw, foreshadowed, interpreted some pretty sad things that I wish I didn't... and I completely forgot until I read what I wrote and remembered that I did know then what I know now, and I wasn't strong enough to stop it then... and I acted too slowly to stop it now.

Anyways, like Martin Carter said '...You change with the change that changes you, yet you remain unchanged..."

I found a funny quote on "Sun kisses rain on me for the love of irony" from a convo between me and a friend Vegar in May 2006...




Thank God, at least some things change...for the better... It's no longer impracticals... and I'm content..almost like a Cheshire cat.




Sooo... about confusion. I believe, if my memory serves me right, I spent a good chunk of my recent history (last couple of years) being confused. My most famous catch phrase was "I don't know" or "I'm confused." After being chastised so many times for it... I finally decided to try to break the cycle for living in confusion is most frustrating. So I adopted a flip a coin mentality until I found myself flipping the coin till I got the desired answer I was looking for and rationalizing and altering the number of flips....

...which led me to realize that people are never really truly confused. In order to be flipping until satisfied must mean I know what I would ideally like...People know what they want. Knowing what they want isn't the issue. People aren't confused about emotions/feelings... they just don't want to admit it - there's a difference. People are aware of what they want and the consequences. Confusion, if it should be called that, occurs when you don't know which choice is the right choice to make.

This year has been the most decisive year thus far. Things have been happening much more quickly than I get a chance to do my usual over-analysis. Instead I'm learning to have a new appreciation to Frank Sinatra's song "My way."

I find myself doing a special kind of tight rope walking that's strange and new... and I'm already terrified of heights... but it's just one foot in front of the other, no rushing.. Baby steps, but they feel like progress.

I've learned, or am learning to master, the art of making a decision and standing by it, be it right, be it wrong... It is my victory to have, my mistake to make... and I'd at least have the ability to say in the end, atleast, I did it my way...

With the help of a friend I was able to come up with a near-fool proof way to make quick, easy decisions with small things and avoid getting caught up... simply ask myself 'Does this change anything? And, if yes, what would it change?" If it is relevant, I decide whether it would be progressive or a hindrance and.... seeing that I'm desirous of only forward movements right now......... and if it is irrelevant, it gets dismissed.

I've learned, from another darling friend, that there's beauty in not knowing everything. When certain topics up, he would just say he doesn't want to know... and at first it through me off... and then I remembered my dad has a similar philosophy. It's not important to know everything... and it's less important to know unimportant things that are negative and could be reduced to gossip... and since finally grasping this concept of 'not wanting to know', life has become simpler. Now I find myself saying the same words, and finding myself less stressed.

Also, I've learnt to be more straightforward. No more lyrical lines to hide behind, or cloaked metaphors.... It's much easier to just say what you mean to say and want to say, and just get it over with. It dramatically cuts down the b.s. time wasted. Again, simplifying life by resolving issues quicker and reducing all the mental hypothesizing.. which leaves time to do more important things like - sleep.

***

So now that my midterms are coming to an end... my brain is starting to pick back up (lol)... I've realized that...

• a)Happiness is a choice (more like I reminded myself of this one).
• b)I do not need to have all the answers and know everything... nor do I need to.
• c)Sometimes, it's not really you, it really is the other person. (and other times it really is you)
• d)There is merit in learning how to close doors... and by closing doors, that means close the doggie door, seal the windows, put sealant in the mouse holes, etc etc... It gives you a chance to give yourself a chance again... a proper chance. And besides, what is meant to be will be... It doesn't make sense reveling in a situation that isn't working and holding onto it, hoping that it will change... You can't let go, by holding on. It just doesn't work that way.
• e)Sometimes you just need to know that the other person wants it enough... just as much as you do. And that knowledge is enough to get you through..
• f)You could be right, you could be wrong. It's easier to apologize for making a mistake than it is to spend quality time debating whether it's worth it... If you're looking for a sign, this is it... take it, trust it, and it will be amazing regardless the outcome. No one ever leaves any situation empty handed... there's always a lesson learned.

And... that collectively, all of the above provides the answers to ease confusion. Well.. my confusion.


***



Shelli out.
Muah! Kiss kiss.

Life Lesson # 9 : Expect to find fair weather friends... and sometimes they're the ones you least expect.... and expect to discover who they are at the time you find least desirable.

After an overly melodramatic evening, I woke up this morning with a firm decision to give this optimism thing another go. I kept telling everyone they must take control of their lives; stop behaving as if things just keep happening to them and they have no control over any aspect of it, not even how they react to it. I kept speaking of keeping a positive attitude regardless of the circumstance but at the same time I failed to be the poster child for positivity.

Anyways, I woke up this morning with the echoes of my own words 'think positive, and don't worry, cuz you'll stop the opportunities from presenting themselves.'

Thus far, my day has been a little short of a dream (that is how I know I'm still grounded in reality *wink*). When you walk with purpose you collide with destiny. When you walk with certainty, the universe has but no option but give you what you want... especially when you make it clear there is no other option.

I surprised myself... After walking around expecting the worst, I got my first full-fledged all encompassing A on my Lit midterm essays. Granted, the essays are worth less than the midterm paper which I have yet to write.... But it's still an assignment in and of itself, and I got an A. I arrived late for the exam, I rushed through the essays, I barely finished any of my conclusions, I mis-wrote my citations and had to end up looking through the text IN the exam to find them and it took up so much time and..... I got a 96..! I am... pleasantly surprised. That really did set my day off on an awesome note... And the irony is, I was thinking about how nice my teacher is and that I should probably get her a card at the end of the semester (because you don't stumble across nice/good teachers very often).

Now... I'm feeling slightly more enthused. Now... it means there's a possibility that my History paper that I finished the morning it was due and suffered no sleep to complete... could be an A too... OoOooh how nice that would be. *clasps hands together gleefully with a childlike grin*

Now I'm going to get back to work... Now that my confidence in my writing has been restored with a meagre essay (lol) I feel competent enough to assist my friend... since they want my help with their paper.

***

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***

"I apologize"
Oscar Brown Jr.



***

I had mid-terms this week. And no... I don't want to talk about it.
My eyes hurt...
I think I might be catching something...
Shelli out.

Whoever said change is never a waste of time is an idiot?

I don't know who could possibly find enjoyment in the uncertainty in the gap space between each transition. It's like jumping across a platform but pondering in the single moment in between the possibility of not landing your jump. And ... Somehow, it's in those gap spaces that Murphy's law tends to apply most.

***


Life Lesson #8 : Change happens whether you like/want/need/hate it or not.

So standing in that little gray area that seems to be my temporary place of residence as everything is up for analysis... I'm not even certain to what extent I trust my own opinions because I've been around long enough and lived through enough repeated instances to finally learn that....

....Sometimes my opinion isn't actually the most objective one, especially the closer the situation relates to me. I realize that the closer something gets to one the more it's justified and rationalized into something else, something more acceptable because perhaps, it just hurts to see it any other way.

I also realize I'm not going to change this way of thinking anytime very soon, although I sincerely think I'm trying.

Sometimes, you just want something so badly you're willing to put a (couple) extra coating of gloss of the picture just to distract you from the flaws in the image. You're willing to look at the "bigger picture" and conceptualize that someday it shall manifest itself into reality.

I remember once hearing that sometimes we try to hold together what God is trying to pull apart. We ignore the red flags, avert our gazes and continue to carry on a pretense. When the inevitable happens and the situation becomes impossible to ignore we revert to depression and disorientation because "we can't possibly understand how it happened...how could we have missed the signs..?!" etc etc, yea yea yea.

You know how something gets explained to you and it makes near perfect, plausible sense in the moment of being said? Then you walk off, and think about it, and ...really and truly it hardly makes any real sense?

Sooo... now I'm wondering if I'm making the same mistakes again. Perhaps my attitude of tolerance needs to be adjusted because I'm ok with too much... Perhaps the situation at hand is as different as I think it is... Perhaps, they are all one and the same. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Only time will tell anyways... I'm so impatient. I think I shall invest in a lie detector. That'll make my job easier. I'll know when I'm lying to myself, and when others are lying to me.

And seeing that I know myself well enough to know I'm too lazy to bother to go on such a hunt... I know I'll end up doing what I always do - fortunately or unfortunately - waiting it out.

The only difference this time is that I've learned to ask questions, instead of just waiting around for the answers...

***

I'm so sleepy... I think I'll take a catnap before my next class.

Shelli out.

So I've found myself in this same position sitting before the laptop several times for the year thus far. My fingers hovering indecisively over the keyboards, my thoughts swirling so fast it's almost as if they are reduced to nothingness and cease to be. The difference between then and now; the difference that ends this hiatus, is my decision to end it.

If we wait for inspiration, it may never come, thus making it an indefinite period of waiting. We must therefore start, and let inspiration come to you. I've made a point to start painting and writing again. A slow start... I've abandoned my first painting effort but I've found inspiration in my second effort... I need to get a frame to stretch my canvas though... but I'm making it work. I shall call this piece "Sunset in my veins" ... mm hmm... perfect.

And I'm going to try and get this running again... before my writing abilities depart from me...




So all of a sudden recently I've been feeling this reluctant spiritual calling. Not because I need saving... I'm not even sure why, but my spirit is unsettled and it doesn't seem to stay settled long enough to keep me content. I guess I have too many questions and too little answers for it to be settled...... anyways.....

....Today, after (admittedly) playing dodge ball with campus "group Bible studies", my friend E. and I found ourselves sitting at the table (since all the other tables were occupied and we were just too lazy to make the rounds again) with the study group.

Low and behold I felt like myself again.... for all the wrong reasons.

When it comes to religion, I've always been on a curious course of 'seeking the truth' but never fully succeeding in following through with all this seeking. In the end, I end up just living my life, and trying to live within the rules of what I think is right and wrong.

The irony is, the discussion I found myself in just reminded me of all the reasons I find myself hesitant about these kind of dealings. I found myself following along with the reading of a pre-selected scripture. The second I settled and thought to myself '...hey this is just what I was looking for, oooo a sign from 'God'..." the leader makes a comment. And that's how it ended, or began. Somehow I always seem to stumble across poor examples of religious people when I have these moments of serious pondering... Religion needs to pick better ambassadors.

So the scripture was selected. I vaguely remember where it was from... I'm not going to lie and say I read the Bible because I don't. Atleast, not often enough for it to qualify as reading. Nuntheless, I know enough because of the amount of people I have around me who are always quoting scripture readings and finding parallels to draw between it and their own lives. Anyways.. enough digression.

So back on course. The scripture selected was about having 'the word' as your rock and being like a builder, building your foundation on something solid as opposed to sand. The purpose of this scripture, however, in my interpretation based on the consequent events was merely to open the doors to criticize other people. This kind of Bible-using behaviour annoys me. This just reminds me of the slave masters who just kept finding scriptures to justify their inhumane enslavement of other people a couple hundred years back. (if I'm to pick just one example)

Soooooo.... My Bible-study-session-cum-gossip-table-with-Bible-citations was actually to open the doors to criticize a congregation sprinkled with adulterers. Apparently, the guy wants to leave or left the church because of that and felt a compulsion to share this knowledge with us and impart judgment on the situation.... Perhaps, he wanted a cookie for this? As things progressed I realized he saw the situation in black and white. The person is wrong, they need to repent or go to hell. And.... to make matters worse, he said that the few people engaged in such activities are "like yeast in bread - they will blow up into the whole church and corrupt it."

These kind of situations annoy me. I'm not saying what the people are doing is right. But,

a) who gives him the right to judge them?

b) As a Christian, he is supposed to do what Jesus would do or something of the sort right? (WWJD?) Therefore, if I recall correctly, Jesus did say he isn't here for the righteous... Since he knows better, and no one else is doing anything about the situation, and he feels so strongly about it.... why doesn't he find a tactful way to address the matter without calling names or being insultive? Try to understand the root of the problem and help the persons in question understand the error of their ways?

c) This whole yeast in bread analogy... now really? Your faith is supposed to be on a solid foundation... doesn't that say that your faith is weak, if someone else cheating on their spouse makes you feel like cheating? Because I associate with someone who does something doesn't necessarily mean I will do it too. The likelihood of my engaging in whatever activity increases... but that depends on how strong minded and confident I am within and of myself.. How strong my faith... my resolve...

d) Lastly... I've learned that there are generally layers to most problems. Granted, crazy people walk amongst us all the time. But I don't believe the majority of people are crazy, and even the crazy people have a method to their madness... How can you judge someone when you're not living their lives? You don't know what they're going through and what has led them to take the paths that they have taken right or wrong... and if you don't know the root of the problem, can you truly help?

This reminds me of a movie I'm sure I already wrote about called "Boy A". Its a paradigm example to illustrate what I'm really trying to get at...

In it, the long short, 2 boys kill a little girl at a very very young age - very gruesome murder. They're sentenced to life (I think) then the courts decide to reduce the sentence. One boy gets murdered (implied) by the parents of the girl. The other boy is released back into society under a new name and identity in his late teens.

As the movie rolls on, you see the gruesome murder BUT you also see the traumatic lives of the boys. What they did wasn't right, but.... they reacted the only way they knew how to considering the abuse they were suffering in their lives at the hands of the people that's supposed to be taking care of them. They reacted to the girl's goading which was quite condescending... The boys were of a lower class and a bit eccentric and she was insulting them.

The boy that returned back to society did feel remorse, really was making an effort to be a good person... However, the jealousy of his friend's (parole officer?) wayward son, over how much care and concern he had for the boy, led to the deliberate revelation of the boy's identity. During the course of the film, the boy also rescues a little girl in an accident... he's really trying to make amends. However, people are judgmental despite their less-than-perfect lives. They judge him based on face value of what he has done and actually don't care about rehabilitating him. He ends up killing himself in the end. It's easy to pass judgment on an isolated situation, it takes more humane compassion to care enough to figure out why and help fix the problem - before it really does permeate through the society......

....but the question is, who decides our fate? Do you have the right to judge someone because of what they've done? Is sin not sin, simply? Or... are there different levels by which sin, that is supposed to be universally unacceptable, becomes acceptable? And... where do we draw the line of the double standard?


***

I'm sleepy...


Shelli reinvented.
Shelli out.
*curtsy bow*