Don't play with it

You ever find yourself very hungry in the middle of the night... and you go to your fridge and open the door, the fridge light being the only light on in the darkness... so you bask in it... then it dawns on you that you really don't see anything you want to eat... and you get lost in that nothingness as your thoughts start to transgress to other things... until you catch yourself when you start to feel a little chilly and realize you're still standing in front of the open fridge.. hungry?

***

I am the extreme of all emotions today. I'm extremely happy. Extremely restless. Extremely creative... and I don't know how to make them all work with each other.

In my extreme idleness and confliction of emotions... I decided...

to paint....

.... on my pillow.

Now one could say that's sad.. or one could say that's genius. I prefer to go with the latter.

A few days (or perhaps weeks..I really can't remember) ago my mom made a new throw pillow for my bed and in the center are the words "Sweet Dreams". So... I traced three flowers onto the pillow in the center above the words and painted them. Total time process, probably about 20-30 minutes. It looks lovely. I shall post pictures of it tomorrow.

NOW, I still have lots of pent up creative energy that's making me restless... I'm so restless however I'm frustrated and I can't think up any freestyle imaginative ideas... and I can't find anything worthy to pastel sketch in the sketchbook Liz bought me for my birthday.

Ugh... It's going to be a long night.

I want to draw. I want to draw. I want to draw.

***

As for disappointments - the trick is to let your expectations be moderate. Moderate expectations don't leave room for too much disappointment.

***

I'm off for now.. going to indulge in some "let's argue about my screen name" chat conversations. It's become apparent that some people have taken the stance against my screen name "seasons change but people don't" and I am forced to defend it. I love a good argument.

In all honesty, I only put it as a quote from Fall Out Boy's song "The Take Over, The Break's Over" because it sounded nice...

Now I'm defending it. Heh... Or maybe not... I'm feeling tired... I'll post my argument tomorrow... I hope.

Shelli out.

P.S. I still have the stupid cough.

Cartwheels and daisies. Smiling sun clears the wariness from your eyes. Dew drops on the fresh blossoms. A kind soul, true and deep. Everlasting soul to keep.

It feels good, to be right, in every way that matters. It feels good to have answers to questions that once remained unanswered. It feels good to not let pride stand in the way of what matters...

boo boop be bo boo....

Feels good to be...

Ugh.. my cough returns.

I'm going to bed.
Shelli out.

I stumble, but I do not fall. This cold shall leave me soon. I'm getting better. As for the metaphorical bits, that shall soon depart too. Nothing lasts forever. Everything comes to pass eventually. And sometimes we try to hold together things, we really ought to just let fall apart.

***

Anyways... Let the sick stop her rambling till she gets back her coherence.

The following are two excerpts from the most delightful book I read during the cruise into my illness. So I took my time about it... so what? Sometimes well punctuated (reading) is the way to go and fully appreciate the content.

Well.. here goes. It's two of my favourite parts in the novel.

Dean Koontz, LIFE EXPECTANCY

Every family is eccentric in its own way, however, as is each human being. Like the Tocks, they have their tics.

Eccentric means off or aside in its own way, or aside from what is considered normal. As a civilisation, through consensus, we agree on what is normal, but this consensus is as wide as a river, not as narrow as the high wire above a big top.

Even so, not one of us lives a perfectly normal, ordinary life in every regard. We are, after all, human beings, each of us unique to an extent that no member of any other species is different from others of its kind.

We have instinct but we are not ruled by it. We feel the pull of the mindless herd, the allure of the pack, but we resist the extreme effects of this influence -- and when we do not, we drag our societies down into the bloody wreckage of failed utopias, led by Hitler or Lenin, or Mao Tse-tung. And the wreckage reminds us that God gave us our individualism and that to surrender it is to follow a dark path.

When we fail to see the eccentricities in ourselves and to be amused by them, we become monsters of self-regard. Each in its own way, every family is as eccentric as mine. I guarantee it. Opening your eyes to this truth is to open your heart to humanity.

Read Dickens; he knew.

Those in my family don't wish to be anyone but who they are. They will not edit themselves to impress others.

They find their meaning in their quiet faith, in one another, and in the little miracles of their daily lives. They don't need ideologies or philosophies to define themselves. They are defined by living, with all senses engaged, with hope, and with a laugh ever ready.
pp. 200-201

******

...We had suffered a great deal en route to this safe harbor, but who does not suffer in life? When the pain passes, there is always cake.

Life insurance companies price their policies on the basis of many factors, including actuarial tables. They have arcane formulae to predict your life expectancy, and if they didn't they would soon be out of business.

I do not define life expectancy by the length of life, however, but by the quality of it, by what I expect from it and by how well my expectations are met. What I have learned from my true father, Rudy, and from my true mother, Maddy, and from my glorious wife, and from my beloved children is that the more you expect from life, the more your expectations will be fulfilled. By laughing, you do not use up your laughter, but increase your store of it. The more you love, the more you will be loved. The more you give, the more you will receive.
p. 472

Shelli is feeling sick again.
*cough*
*choke*
*cough*

Tuesday has been infected. She has classes on Monday... Eekies... So... one more person to catch the virus.. who knows.. maybe he really won't. He's lucky.

*choke*

*goes to rest*
*does melodramatic hand to forehead faint*
Shelli out.

I was just thinking of what my interpretation of an excuse is, in the midst of a coughing fit.

I can't remember which one of my Literature teachers took the stance of ANY excuse not being anything but an excuse, thus worthless - but it stuck with me. Actually, I think both of them, such wonderful teachers, applied the rule. That a good excuse was just that, and changed little...

A month back or so I was walking through the mall with a friend of mine, Shawn, and the topic came up. An excuse really means nothing. To me, an excuse is an attempt at emotional extortion... an attempt to initiate or trigger guilt or sympathy so as to look beyond the fact that what needed to be done, or not be done, was in actuality a failed venture and justify or remove blame from oneself. An excuse means nothing... nothing at all. It doesn't undo the damage. It doesn't solve the world's problems. It doesn't make the deadlines...

Oh bleh... could be the fever talking again...

A ridiculous excuse example (excerpt)
I was on my way
To be with you today
well you know it's true
Because I wouldn't lie to you

First my car broke down
So then I had to hitch a ride
I was almost there
When the motor died

I was in a plane
And it was falling from the sky
I knew I had to survive
So I could say goodbye

You change your mind
Like I change the time
That I was gonna call you
Or say I was about to....
I said that I would be there
But then I didn't have a thing to wear
-MXPX 'My life story'


I'm off for now. No photos posted tonight (I think)... My sore throat is going and I'm developing a cough in its place. Or coughing fits.

I'm not sure how relevant my examples are... but I'm feeling sick/weak again...

***

A couple of friends stopped by to check up on me today. I feel spoilt and loved. Thank you very very much for the visit(Brendon and Shawn)... cheered me up a lot. Oh... the streams of phone calls from Tues and Marcus...yummy. Heh heh heh... they're catching the virus... Tuesday has it and Marcus is in denial.

*hums to self* It's only a matter of time...

NOT that I wish illness upon him or anything... erm.. I'm going now... Before I put my foot in my mouth.

Had some soup. Now I'm ready for ice cream....!!! YAY!

Shelli out.

OK.

I went to the Doc Wednesday(gone) I believe. I have acute pharyngitis. Oh how I love saying that and watching people react. They go "*ahem* In English please?"

Essentially, it's a reaaaaaaalllllyyy bad sore throat that involves lots of throwing up, fever, headaches and, obviously, painful swallowing due to swollen tonsils and such.

I have a horrible time sleeping. It's truly a miserable experience. Well, last night was the best night's rest I've had in 5 days - I slept for about 2-3 hours straight. Afterwards I was up from around 4 with no hopes of falling asleep again.

I'm craving potato chips. All these sweet things I have in my house... Mmmm.. potato chips... that salty goodness. Or anything salty... oooh... salt... yummy... salt...




I feel deliriously happy. Too weak to dance and prance around too much... and my voice is hoarse and congested BUT that's not stopping me from singing...!

I love that song. Cuz... it's easy as lovers go. This is wonderful as loving goes... I've gotta be honest...

I want potato chips.

I'm off for now. I shall post some more Alaska photos later today.

To the window...
To the wall...
Shelli out.

Just a quick pop in...

I'm sick. I'm tired. I ache.

I'm going to bed.

So its been a while since I've been here. My oh my, DPWI, you were dearly missed.

My absence was due to a series of current life events that had to be dealt with. I believe its safe to say that while I regret not posting during that time, the time was well spent idly and helped bring me back inadvertently onto the path once more of the destination I would most like to be. How is that for irony...? In retrospect, I guess the nothingness is what I needed. I needed to create a void and step into it, so as to "find" myself in some sort of bizarre self-inflicted situation-cum-bravery. The value of light is only truly appreciated when you find yourself in the absence thereof.

I hope that makes sense... But that's how best to explain these past couple months. That and a roller coaster of experiences.

OH, and there were several failed attempts to make posts but I had lost my voice here. Thank God it was only a temporary hindrance.

***

SOOOO....

I went to Alaska on a cruise somewhere around the 21st of last month.

It was a delightful experience. I had the pleasure of watching large chunks of ice and icebergs float on by (relatively close the the boat) in a narrow channel in the middle of summer. I was also able to stand at the front of the ship on the top deck and be so incredibly cold that the 3 layers of jackets only just start to make me feel warm but the wind quickly undid such small comforts when it came to my exposed cheeks and fingers. I constantly had to plunge my hands into my pockets in between photo shots because they were becoming so cold that the tips were numb of feeling. My cheeks had to learn to deal with the cold, the wind had several fights with my hoodie and it's needless to say who lost the battle. I was also privileged to read a novel until I fell asleep on the lower decks on lounge chairs huddled under a blanket.

AND I LOVED every minute of it. I loved walking up and down through out the ship, just randomly exploring. I loved talking to all the different people there. I was shocked to discover how many teachers from other places were there. I loved the FOOD. I ate, and ate, and ate..!!! until it became absurd, especially for someone of my petite size. I loved all the stops. It was enchanting to be in a place so green and soooo clean and able to maintain a frozen-in-time appearance. Skagway, the mining town, looks the same way it did back when it came into existence. There are wooden sidewalks. The buildings have remained the same... There's only ONE street in the town. Then throughout all the stops there were the floating log houses.

*sigh* Alaska... I'm totally doing that again one more time before I die...

Below are some photos from my trip... I shall post all eventually...