There's something about getting older and watching your friends either a) get married, b) pop out babies or c) do both to make you start to think about your own life and desires. On top of that, I've started reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, if I didn't need things pushing me to question placement and position.
After much deliberation and musing with a dear friend, I've concluded it comes down to asking 3 questions.
- 1) What does a relationship mean to you?
- 2) What do you want/expect from a relationship?
- 3) What do you want or are willing to give to your partner? What are you bringing to the table? And what are you willing to sacrifice/draw the boundary of limitations or threshold of willing sacrifice?
And sometimes how well a couple deals with/adapts to change as Liz says,
"marriage is making a very big promise to love someone you haven't met yet..."
I believe these are probably the 3 hardest questions I've ever had to brow beat in my life. Another friend, much older, had told me to make a list of what I want/don't want from a relationship to make decisions. Imagine how much easier answering these questions would've been now.
Question 2 people generally have an answer to... be it superficial or depth. That's how arguments and complaints start after the honeymoon phase of the relationship departs. Everyone, whether they admit it or not, enters with expectations. Additionally, whether they are willing to admit it or not, even if these expectations are put aside for the sake of the relationship it eventually builds some sort of resentment for your partner or with yourself. Kind of like waking up one morning and wondering "What the hell happened? What am I doing here with this person?" There's actually a scene in Gilbert's book where she constantly finds herself either on the floor or in the bathroom, unhappy with her life yet unable to pin point what exactly was going wrong and her partners just going in essence "stop being stupid and come to bed." After a couple years of marriage, she realized she and her partner were not compatible. She spent a great part of the relationship hoping her ideals would eventually match his - he wanted the traditional family, kids, picket fence and she wanted to travel the world and see what life still had to offer. At 30, she found herself happy every time the pregnancy test showed negative whilst she and her husband were trying for a kid. I mean, I'm not quite done with the book yet and I'm still not sure about how I feel about her leaving her marriage. She felt selfish about leaving, to some extent I see it as selfish too... When you take vows, it has to count for something. But then again, when you take vows you're also vowing to play your part of the agreement. What happens in a contract if someone fails to perform their promises, the contract becomes void.
However, looking around at the married people I know. I find myself questioning how happy these couples really are and whether the role of the woman ultimately involves a lot more accepting of "This is just the way a man is" (and in fewer --- in my opinion cases "This is just the way a woman is")than a fair balance of roles and duty fulfillment. In these cases, I wonder --- why haven't you left yet? And what makes some people ok with leaving, as painful it may be, and others not? I'm not a divorce advocate but I'm not a stay and suffer advocate either. Is it truly possible to turn things around and get it back on track - for relationships in general - married or not? And how does one go about letting their partner see the hurt without offense to inspire change and resolution?
My friend jokingly said, "Shellon, you have to keep in mind Elizabeth Gilbert is a white woman in America who thinks she can get back all her money not a black woman in the Caribbean that feels that leaving means leaving all that you've invested and ending up with nothing." So... maybe it's a cultural something. Maybe not.
But yea, I've been ping ponging those questions back and forth coming up with my own answers. Honestly, I haven't come up with anything extremely conclusive. However, I've figured what it doesn't mean to me and what I don't want. For me, I think it means appreciating moments of being alone (personal space) while never having to be lonely. (I don't see the point of getting into a relationship to be lonely & have to find someone else to do stuff with on a regular - that kinda hunt is for single folks) Ultimately sharing your life with someone toward a mutual goal, and being a supportive base for separate goals...helping each other to be a better person and the best version of themselves.
And what do I have to give? To say everything is a vague statement, not to mention a tad cliche. I'm still uncertain but it's safe to say anything I'm willing to request, I'm willing to give. However, that's not to say the person you're with necessarily would want the things that you want or have similar expectations. Knowing myself though, I believe I'm willing to make reasonable compromises...
All in all, they're some pretty good questions to ask but very difficult to answer. I don't think many people even bother to ask these questions and I'm willing to bet many more don't have a real answer.
Perhaps, when it comes to relationships it's half and half a compromised reality of acceptance of what it isn't and a love and appreciation for what it is.
What do you think?
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-Rhonda Farr
***
"The only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about."
-Oscar Wilde
So this post is inspired by an incident that occurred on a shared Facebook picture (a meme). The original photo was shared on January 24th. I shared it on the day after. Several days later, I've come to the realization that many were offended by the post - the original and the shared copies.
So this sent me in a whirlwind of questions... Would I have been offended - had it been me? What would my reaction have been? Was it fair? Is it a just assumption?
From the comments I read on mine, as well as the original, I saw commentary about political references as well as defaming of the brand and undermining local industry.
What was this meme/comic strip about?
In all fairness, after
all the unnecessary hype and argument that ensued I was forced to examine this picture on a deeper level than probably required. In fact, in writing this, I feel like one of those people who go to an art gallery, see a black spot on a white canvas titled "black spot on white canvas" and spend an hour trying to get into the depths of the artist's mind when... as an artist myself, sometimes... what we really mean is "black spot on a white canvas" - there isn't necessarily a Shakespearean story following to explain what could be a genuinely simple idea.
So the general gist of offenses gathered was, the picture supports the
undermining disparaging of local industry, makes vague irrelevant political references and that the maker was an anonymous cowardly attention seeker. How do I know this? Was it a collection of rumours I heard circulating? Was it someone misrepresenting the brand or the politicians? Was it a few malicious individuals looking to air their voices? No. I'm aware of what was said because the comments were posted directly from individuals - some in well written paragraphs, others in hyped up rants - on the
very public domain of Facebook for
all to see.
My initial response to the picture? I thought it was funny. A few days prior, a close friend and I had just discussed the mindless following of some trends in Grenada - which is arguably valid for countries other than Grenada, including the US. We were lamenting about how many of these young folk just jump on a bandwagon of perceived coolness and swagger without understanding the origins of the trend or even knowing what the trend means to them personally.
We did reference local brands being launched as well. However, it wasn't in a manner to take away from the brands because --- we admire the work done. I find it impressive to know there are young people (teenagers and young adults) on our tiny island taking initiative to become entrepreneurs and successfully brand themselves into households names. This is the kind of thing you read in Cosmogirl magazine or see on tv. However, we're now doing it with our own people which is pretty awesome. Hell, I want to buy their stuff.
That being said does not mean one cannot be allowed to have an opinion. We did question what exactly were the intentions of some local endeavours - brands, parties, etc. A lot of these endeavours push images with young people throwing up their middle fingers or scantily clothed or just what is often perceived as a negative message to the masses. Which led us to ask, what really is the intention or the message they are trying to get across? What does being 'cool', 'fun', 'rebellious', 'artistic', 'unique' and so forth mean to them and what aspect of the meaning are they hoping to cover... because I swear the upcoming generations in the (arguably as it's what I see on tv) Western Hemisphere need a lot more than Jesus' descent from the Heavens to save them and little incentive to hasten them down the wrong road.
All of this to say what? Getting back to the picture. Reading the artist's comment on the pic itself, I saw the note about "certain local brands" and "politicians" these days. Fair enough reason to get upset I guess. I'm not sure if I would've been upset and/or reacted similarly since I'm more hesitant about commenting on anything on Facebook.
The factual bits about this story?
- The local brand wasn't directly referenced.
- People do follow trends without having a purpose.
- Free tshirts are being given out politcally.
Ultimately, I think you can't avoid negative reactions towards anything you do be it a good or bad endeavour, "haters" if you want to call it as such. It's not what you called but what you react to... and when you react to it,
how you handle a situation. For me? I think the more professional way to handle it would've been to simply ask first and foremost as an inboxed message "Can you take down this?" and/or a similar message on the photo itself. If it doesn't work, report it to Facebook or learn to ignore it. In the real world, it's hard to do great things and not gather unwanted heat. If this is the manner chosen to react to every situation on a personal level of attack, how can one make it to Kanye, Jay-Z, Beyonce, P. Diddy level? Where these successful folks, with clothing lines, albums, brands, etc. have to deal with more than just some random person throwing up memes online? One's initial reaction cannot be to throw a tantrum or get caught up in petty back and forth public arguments. If you're a boss, be a boss about yo' biz.
And the "anonymous coward attention seeker" (paraphrased) he does this online comic thing
all the time. Some of his stuff is kinda controversial, others are hilarious and then there are a few that make you think. He tries to apply real life situations into his work because like any good artist you could only speak what you know right? People only seem to react to things that strike a nerve directly anyways as this is the first time I've seen all of this hype and he's said "worse."
Now in order to "hate" people must value what you offer right? I felt compelled after to peruse my buddy list and ask them if they saw an issue with the picture (viewed solely without the comments). You know how many of them even knew of the label? How many of them were offended? How many of them understood what the problem was? NONE. In fact, they thought it was hilarious and true to life. One guy said after reading the comments, "maybe the dude was honoured to be mentioned and didn't know how to respond."
So 10 more people, than those who knew already, now know about this all brand and politics drama because ONE guy decided to allude to a local situation that somehow resonates within their being. They should take him out and buy him a beer.
And for those of who have a problem LOVING your "HATERS"
---- > Read this "Loving my haters"
The end.
Bless.
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