Don't play with it

Ray: You does believe them ting?

Shelli: Well no... but wha? I can't get scared? You don't believe them things? They don't have them in trini?

Ray: Yea, I does hear people talk bout it but I dun believe in that...

Shelli: So you never saw anything?

Ray: Nah.. I does only see angels

Shelli: Oh yea? What they look like?

Ray: I looking at one now....

Shelli: Oh really? Aw...

Ray: Ey.. is not you I talkin bout you kno? Is the angel..! Stupes..!

(Originally posted 3/30/09)

And I wonder... if you wonder,
or did your stars finally explode?
Did the thunder pull you underneath the haze?
I'm amazed...then I let go.

Little minds let little pain burn big old dreams with little flames,
and you don't think I understand.
Little holes in parachutes won't leave you falling,
if they do, it's because you want to land.
-Something Corporate 'Little'

***

***
Random Convo
that I thought was simply
hilarious
(of course pasted with permission)

Ron says (7:39 PM):
can a girl be a mother f*cker? or only guys have that right
Shelli... says (7:40 PM):
only guys
Ron says (7:40 PM):
damn thats not fair
lol
haha
what about father f*cker
lol
haha
Shelli... says (7:41 PM):
lol
thats unheard of
*eye roll*
Ron says (7:41 PM):
lmao
haha
Ron says (7:42 PM):
see thats not fair
you only have one main word
lol
Shelli... says (7:43 PM):
lol
Ron says (7:43 PM):
we have mother f*cker, bastard, faggot, ron
lol
well actually there are more
but only sexual
Ron says (7:44 PM):
but Ron is the most offensive thing you can call a person
its like the equivlaent to the N word for all races
Ron says (7:45 PM):
anyway i wanted to ask you something
Shelli... says (7:45 PM):
ask away
Ron says (7:46 PM):
will you have my babies
?
Shelli... says (7:46 PM):
lmao
*eye roll*

***

I've been running into guys daily who tell me about this one true love that they have - but they're not with. It ranges from they messed up, the girl messed up, the girl doesn't acknowledge their existence. But the one thing they are certain about if nothing else, is this undying (seemingly unrequited) love for someone else.

For some reason, as nice as the stories sound as they are told to me, head tilt with the "...awww", Lifetime movie dramatics and all something just isn't 100% cute about it.

For one, this alleged girl/boy that you were once with but can't let go of... the relationship ended for a reason. By forever holding on to the feelings you felt, that includes any bitterness at the ending, it's using up emotional energy that could be used more constructively towards a new love.

Also, the whole "...you won't/can't understand..." is probably the most annoying 3 words you could tell anyone. If you don't think I would understand to begin with, what's the point of opening your mouth and commencing your tale, and when it begins to sound potentially absurd, gracefully pull oneself out of the absurd line and into the elite group of "love understanding."

There's no set definition on what love is. Yesterday, in my Sociology class, the topic of love came up. Surprisingly, despite the idea of love being one of the western world's most marketed idea, it was difficult to quantify and describe using words. The text naturally dissected it into some psychology perception of the individuals strongly influenced by culture. These perceptions dependent on factors of status, race, traditions, religions, etc. Each influencing a certain level of familiarity and ability to mesh interest wise. But, that doesn't quantify "love" either. It removes the supposed intense element of attraction and emotion involved and gives a clinical presentation of a grand societal manipulative premeditated scheme.

And if thats the case... it truly leaves the definition ultimately up to the individual's own perceptions of their feelings.

I believe you could love anyone. This soulmate idea is all nice and dandy... but I believe anyone could be your soulmate. There must be a reason why arranged marriages work so successfully... and then again it comes down to perceptions. Hindus believe "first comes marriage, then comes love." They enter the marriage expecting love to develop. I believe people are just too willing to give up and are too picky.

But I'm getting sidetracked... so... all these guys are putting their love lives on hold because of this one love they lost and can't get over, or this one girl that is the perceived epitome of all girls. What I noticed though, about those same Lifetime movies, is that the same girl/boy that was there listening all along, being a good supportive friend, etc while you were pining away bitterly over another love, happens to be the one the main character should be with, but isn't. And more often than not, there's a perfectly plausible as to why the relationship wasn't coming into fruition nor would work. In the movies, the right guy/girl gets the right girl/boy.

But in real life, sometimes people spend way too long dramatizing one scene of the movie and not moving on with their lives and seeing what's before them. I think it's more the investment of time, energy, money and the sense of loss of that investment that burns more in some instances than the loss of the actual person. Furthermore, the familiarity of that person being in your life even though it obviously wasn't working.

I've been the "epitome of my world" girl, where the guy believes you were the golden standard... but deep down, regardless of his conviction, regardless of the sincerity or the reasons for the break up/never happening you just know it wouldn't work based on your own rationale.. and no matter what they say it's not going to change it. Naturally, there are those moments when you question the possibility of reciprocating the feelings at the same intensity... and moments of jealous when they finally move on with their lives and find someone that makes them happy. But you always know, regardless of how you flip it. No matter how much they can't let go of their convictions, neither can you.

I've been the good supportive friend that becomes the girlfriend. And that is no fun either. At least being the epitome of someone's world means being doted on with lots of attention, but being that other person is the complete opposite. It's knowing that you don't and will never compare to the other girl. It's being reminded about it so much, that if ever the relationship was given a chance it probably wouldn't work just because of all the insecurity created... unless the guy does the Lifetime movie confession about realizing that you're the only girl for him and he was a douche for not seeing it before and this is the real way the story is supposed to end.

Anyways... whatever man...
Shelli out

And you are still faking

A feeling that you will

never know.

-"B. Quiet" Meriwether

So.......

well...

*sigh*

Shakespeare was not joking when he said "the world is too much with us." How quickly we forget forward resolutions to wallow in present experiences which hinder. Fortunately, things have a way of happening to remind us gently... should we be open to reminders... like Sher's comment on one of my resolve posts below, reaffirming what I had temporarily, and yet not fully cognizant, taken a break from applying.

So the move has been most interesting. I'm back in Grenada now. Once more switched majors and trying to follow that "Just making it happen" cliche. My courses this semester are my "help Shelli adjust" selections which means there's lots of free time left over... which I should be studying in...

Yet I find myself in retrospective moments between classes, especially on the walk to the library... And.... Things change. I never really took the time to truly sit down and think about how things have changed over the past couple years, how I've changed... How my dreams have changed... and friends... and ideals.

I read somewhere that change is the prelude to growth and without growth there is no life so therefore... it must mean I'm growing right? I just need to take some time and start to recognize myself again.

Shelli out...

I lost my zeal to finish this...

(Original post 4/19/09)


Spend the night late listening to miles davis
You said it makes you want to fall in love
Or be smart enough to keep your distance
You can't decide, you can't decide

I say... you just never gave it a chance,
So give me a chance...
-'Number 5 with a bullet' TBS