Yes, I know I am on vacation, hence the sporadic posts, and I'm not supposed to be thinking too deeply about anything too heavy. However, I realize its hard to avoid anything deemed important by a country when you're across their borders.
What have I heard about every day (and night) consistently everytime I turn on the tv? The Trayvon Martin case.
Honestly, I'm not sure if I should be ashamed or not, but prior to my trip I knew very little about the case and cared even less. Now I find myself getting into arguments about it and realize there ARE some issues that need addressing. The final verdict is tomorrow morning. My opinion is one of many but the beauty of all this is that I'm posting it on MY blog.
My only disclaimer is to expect a few off-tangent by-the-way premises.
Firstly, I believe Zimmerman was wrong to pursue and engage the teen to begin with. Did he have conclusive reason to believe he was a criminal and/or about to commit a crime? No. Was he in a position or granted a position of authority to pursue? No. Did he create the circumstances of leading to the altercation? Yes.
* One - is it wrong to assume a young black man/boy with a hoodie is a criminal? Honestly, how many of us would cross the road if we saw someone walking down the street, late at night with a hood? Many, correct? However, not because someone is dressed a certain way or looks a certain way means they ARE the stereotype. Same way not all muslims are terrorists.
However, as far as I'm concerned that's all irrelevant in this case. Trayvon went and bought a bag of skittles and a Arizona juice, and then headed back home. From the store to home Zimmerman followed him on this journey.
* Two - What would you do if a strange man was following you? Would you not feel compelled to run? Would you not feel compelled to defend yourself?
How does Zimmerman get to plead self defense in a situation that HE created? He was defending himself against being stalked? Mugged? Followed in a car? What?
The cops said STAY in his car. Yet he left with his gun in tow.
* Three - Yes I'm aware of the limitations of excessive force with self defense. To me, regardless of who threw the first punch, Trayvon was defending himself. Consequently, Zimmerman ended up defending himself in the situation that HE created when he lost control of the situation.
* Four - The bottom line is, he should've stayed in the car and let the police handle it. The vigilante argument doesn't fly with me very well either. A vigilante takes law into his own hands to protect the innocent. For example, Spiderman, Batman, etc. (Comical but valid easy references) Pursuing a young boy because he's black and in your neighbourhood isn't being a vigilante, it's being an idiot.
Would I say it was murder? I don't believe he intended to kill Trayvon. Do I think he pursued Trayvon into a situation beyond his control that escalated quickly? Yes. Do I think he should be acquitted? No.
My bottom line is this could've been anyone, easily - you, your kid, your cousin, your brother, your uncle, etc. I don't find it justifiable to stalk somebody and not expect some fearful reaction - be it running away, launching a first attack, calling the cops, whatever. It is not justice for Zimmerman to get off scotch free.
If he was black and the kid was white, it would've been a rap. I don't see what's taking this case so long.
He didn't do a community good. He didn't prevent a burglary, rape or any other crime. And he definitely didn't save a life - he took one, a child's at that.
Bless.
"Can't spend your whole life tryna get high...
Get up, get out, and do something
Don't let the days of your life pass you by..."
-Macy Gray "Do Something"
***
My opinion on the world ending?
So yeah... we've passed the multitude of Doomsday dates, still here in 2013. I'm inclined to think it is a personal enlightening period. For my own self and those around me, I'm seeing people being placed in situations that's forcing them to do something about it and/or bring about change/growth. While some people choose to remain in denial, I believe these have been the most obvious of life's nudges to do something about something... And that's cool too, it's hard livin' that looks easy but some people are comfy with their lives like that. Don't judge. For those embracing the changes to betterment, kudos.
However, if you ever chose to believe in signs and ever needed one, if you're waiting for a sign, this is it. Open your eyes, they are all around you too.
I find since this year commenced, everyday has brought me closer to knowing what I want for myself and identifying what I don't want. As fate would have it, last night my mother fenced me into a conversation about her church service but it was most ironic. Another "sign" so to speak. Her Palm Sunday service spoke about this coming week being about Holy week and Jesus' sacrifice... and the importance it is for us to have a life mission statement and to know what we want and expect out of our lives. It isn't enough to just sail through without a purpose, each day fading into the other.
Seems to be the theme for the year thus far.
What is your life's purpose? Your mission statement? And what steps have you outlined that need to be done to achieve it... and when do you plan to start taking those steps forward.
I remember Les Brown's story in one of his speeches about the importance of dreams. I'm uncertain if I've written about it before but...
He says people worry and wonder about who will come to their funeral, who truly cared, etc. But what if we thought of all our dreams coming to our funeral, surrounding our caskets, lamenting about how they came to you... because they saw your potential to make it happen and you were the only one they had faith in. But now... they're going to die with you... disappointed, unfulfilled, let down.
Is your life going to be a testimony of personal success while your alive? Or is your death going to be a meaningful contribution to the cemeteries wealth of rich ideas unfulfilled?
Chew on that 'til I post next...
Ciao!
***
Chew on that 'til I post next...
Ciao!
I think I was a revolutionary in a past life.
***
I'm trying my best to post frequently and continuously falling behind. Humblest apologies folks... On the downside, I'm barely doing anything exciting in the outside world beyond school and work right now. On the upside, I've been privileged to be continuously experiencing life lessons and witnessing those of others that I, along with Sher, have ended up coming up with interesting social issue questions... the genius kind you wish you came up with back when you were in college trying to come up with a genius topic question. Then again, with life comes experiences and wisdom... and then you stop seeking answers and start trying to ask the right questions.
It's funny how that old adage "With age, comes wisdom" seems to ring true. I remember my dear Literature professor used to drill into us the necessity of designing the correct question. However, fresh out of high school, our impulses were to be provided with solutions - it was what we were taught our whole lives. Listen to what you've been told, accept to be true, repeat. Then along came Mr. Adams trying to instill into us coming up with a solution is not nearly as important as designing and understanding the real question. The question operates as the beginnings of a map so to speak or your "true north" to guide you towards an answer. Without it, how do you really know what you're looking for.
It's not enough to want answers and to demand it, you must know what you seek of first in its truest sense as possible.
Bless.
(I found this on tumblr)
L’esprit d’escalier: (French) The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said. Translated it means “the spirit of the staircase.”
Waldeinsamkeit: (German) The feeling of being alone in the woods.
Meraki: (Greek) Doing something with soul, creativity, or love.
Forelsket: (Norwegian) The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.
Gigil: (Filipino) The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute.
Pochemuchka: (Russian) A person who asks a lot of questions.
Pena ajena: (Mexican Spanish) The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation.
Cualacino: (Italian) The mark left on a table by a cold glass.
Ilunga: (Tshiluba, Congo) A person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.
*Schadenfreude (German): is pleasure derived from others misfortunes.
*Mudita (Buddhist): is pleasure derived from someone's good fortunes.
*Schadenfreude (German): is pleasure derived from others misfortunes.
*Mudita (Buddhist): is pleasure derived from someone's good fortunes.
I found this on Tumblr as well and thought it was interesting enough to share...
***
I was at a Kurt Vonnegat talk in New York a few years ago. Talking about writing, life, and everything.
He explained why people have such a need for drama in their life.
He said, “People have been hearing fantastic stories since time began. The problem is, they think life is supposed to be like the stories. Let's look at a few examples.”
He drew an empty grid on the board, like this:
Time moves from left to right. Happiness from bottom to top.
He said, “Let's look at a very common story arc. The story of Cinderella.”
It starts with her awful life with evil stepsisters, scrubbing the fireplace. Then she get an invitation to the ball! Things look up. Then the fairy godmother makes her a dress and a coach. Even better! Then she goes to the ball, and dances with the prince! This is great! But then it's midnight. She has to go. Oh no. Sadness. Back to her humdrum life scrubbing the fireplace. But it's not as bad as before, because she's had this encouraging experience. Then, the prince finds her, and the happiness factor is off the chart! Happily ever after.
“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.”
He wiped the board clean and said, “Now let's look at another popular story arc: the disaster.”
It's an ordinary day in an ordinary town. But something horrible happens! A child falls down a well! The whole town gathers to save her. Old grudges surface, but are belittled in the light of this tragedy. Rifts are bonded as people work together. The child is saved, and all is well. But notice it's a little better than it was before, now that this incident has brought them all closer together.
“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.”
But the problem is, life is really like this...
Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it'll be told for a thousand years.
“But because we grew up surrounded by big dramatic story arcs in books and movies, we think our lives are supposed to be filled with huge ups and downs! So people pretend there is drama where there is none.”
That's why people invent fights. That's why we're drawn to sports. That's why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.
We're trying to make our life into a fairy tale.
"...And I know that if I end this I'll no longer have nothing left..."
- '25 to life' Eminem
***
The hardest part about ultimatums is... the follow through.
I've found my poetic voice once more. Perhaps by pure force... I went to the Poetry and Jazz night upstairs the museum with Sher. Funnily enough, Danielle was there with her students (I haven't seen her in ages). The main poets for the night didn't make it, so they called upon the audience to present pieces. Danielle, as with everyone in the clique from college, is an amazing poet/artist. Sooo... after Sher and Sham's performance, and the crowd was turned upon... We all turned on Danielle and pressured her to go spit something off the top of her head. Of course you know whose voice was the loudest. Thus, as she came off the stage, after doing a lovely impromptu piece, I started scribbling because I knew the next person to be pressured would be me.
It wasn't that bad. I haven't performed since MIGfest (Made in Grenada festival) years ago.
So what does all of this have to do with ultimatums? I'm thinking of them in terms of simplifying life with either or decisions. My drama teacher once told me when faced with a situation and you're stuck with indecisiveness, flip a coin and follow through regardless. Later on, I stumbled upon somewhere online that in actuality the beauty of flipping a coin, is that, in the moment the coin is in the air doing its multiple flips - you already know what you're hoping it to be.
But hope, never suffices. Should it even land on the desired face, it does not mean that anything would truly come to pass the way you'd intend, with the progression of time. Thus, it brings you back to square one - "the follow through regardless."
I remember recently a friend and I were having a discussion about the whole "what's yours is yours/what's meant to be will be" philosophy...and ultimately what we rationalized was that we're in control of our own fate. You can't change how where other people stand, effect their emotions accordingly, and so forth. Rather, you do have control over being explicitly clear where you stand so that others can know how to act accordingly. So that at the very least, you've done your very most.
I think 2009-2011 has served/is serving to show me the lessons of following through. At the heart of everything, it's never really about the things seemingly at the surface. It's never as emotional as people credit it to be. Love isn't the cure all solution to the world's problems. Nor does it never suffice long enough to carry the weight of anything.
What really carries the weight? Commitment. How committed are you to your decision?
You want to move out - so you did - and it's tougher than you expected... How committed are you, to seeing it through?
You're having relationship stress and there's someone else that makes the world look easier, but you've packed in years already, how committed are you to riding the wave when the water gets rough?
You're having a tough time managing your classes, but you picked them nuntheless and the option of dropping a course or two introduces itself, how committed are you to dig deep within yourself and make that grade?
How committed are you to pursuing your dreams? Making them your life's reality? For every aforementioned situation is ideally, a dream. How committed are you?
I guess... respect and commitment go hand in hand as well. How much respect do you have for yourself? The people around you? Etc.
So therefore, what I'm trying to say is, make a decision and commit to it. Then deal with the consequences, make another decision and commit to it. Deal with those consequences. And so forth. Hindsight is 50/50 but once you're making active decisions, you're actively moving. It's easier to give commentary about your journey when you're actually on one, rather than staying within the safety of unsatisfying certainty and never venturing out, trying something new.
Life, it's that simple. We complicate it.
Shelli out.
It's been a while... It seems as if 2010 is ending on the poignant note of constantly reinforcing the fragility of life. Two young people about my age passed away over the past week and some (I *think* one from cancer, the other from lupus), and then there was a motorcycle accident over the weekend and the cyclist died. He was in his 20s as well. Ok Universe, I get your message. I shall try to actually relax more. Take life less seriously. Live each day as my last... And try to end each day on a good note with those that I care about because you never know which of your last words will be your last words..
***
The above photo was from my most recent tea party pic, last Wednesday. Aunty Joann made some sort of experimental Sangria Blush cocktail that was absolutely delicious. I can't remember what she said it was called but it's comprised of wine and various citrus juices and she added in pink grapefruit slices as a garnish.
I was supposed to write about the tea party but then Uncle Eddy's passing happened and I got completely thrown off. Also, I don't really remember if I've written a post about any of the tea parties or not as yet... But here goes...
I've been to about 3-4 this year I believe. It's essentially a gathering of women for snacks and tea/juice with little mini events --- of course, performed by females. I don't think it's for everyone, as most things... However, I do enjoy it and it's quite an experience. I'm amongst the youngest at these events -- the younger generation are essentially the daughters of the women who attend.
Why do I like it? Why is it fun for me?
1. You get to dress up......any how you'd like to and it would still be appropriate. I've done long floor grazing halter dresses (the light cotton ones), strapless mini sundresses/cocktail with a slight can can under the skirt, jeans and off the shoulder tops... I mean, seriously, I'm a girl. I love to dress up on occasion as does every girl and look all pretty. This is actually the kind of forum that you win with anything except excessively casual - like going to the beach - or excessively elegant - it's broad daylight in late afternoon, no gowns necessary.
2. Girls talk. It reminds me of this movie (I never saw...but assume it must be something like) whereby there were several generations of women living under the same roof. There are all these women - married, single, divorced, I dunno... there are probably even cougars and sharks(as in women on the prowl) amongst us. However, they all have their experiences and everything gets shared on the table. The topics range from anything like relationships to even how you do your dishes or work experiences or even travels. There's really no boundaries on what is or can be discussed. I don't generally actively participate in most of the discussions. I can handle my own in general topics but I haven't been married and I'm still fresh on the relationship scene - pushing 2 years versus quarter century? Instead, I listen. Actively listen. I've learnt so many little lessons from these talks.
3. Food!! C'mon... I love food. I know my size begs to differ but I really do. Anyone who has seen me eat on my travels especially knows that I could put it down and leave you baffled. For example, the photos below are both my plates in one breakfast sitting in Brazil. I love fruits and...umm... I love ham and cheese and waffles and... err... yea... And I've done much heavier plates.
There's always a variety of finger foods such as bbq chicken wings, sandwiches, pastries, etc. And of course, tea -- and fruit juice for those who opt out.
4. Mini-events such as games, shows, surprises, etc.
So yea... I think it's fun.
***
It's getting late. I'm slightly tired and in dire need of a shower.... So I'll do my other two posts I was planning to do tonight, tomorrow.
Ciao everybody.
Kisses.
(Originally supposed to be posted 10/21/09)
And so it came to me like an epiphany...
And so it came to me like an epiphany...
***
So my days have been filled with lots of question marks, raised eyebrows and sarcastic remarks when I choose not to make the effort to hide it behind a smile and "... oh really?"
Reason being? Cuz, it seems apparently I'm back in that questioning stage in the cycle that is Shelli's existence. The consolation is, that right after the questioning comes about some grand epiphany which brings about even grander results. I've found myself doing what my bf seems to insist on calling "over thinking" and not relaxing enough... but I can't help but feel as if I should be questioning stuff in my life right now; as if the reason why I can't supposedly relax is because I'm not getting the answers that I'm looking for - and by answers I mean not what I want to hear, but the reality of what it is. I can handle it. Hit me with some reality here God.
Every morning, I go through a "snooze" button phase for about half hour before reluctantly acknowledging that departure from my bed is necessary when the sun starts to creep across my sheets to my legs. Then I proceed into the shower, where I gaze out the window looking at the landscape and begin my pensive morning musings... But this morning I had a distraction - I noticed a familiar green bar of soap on the left corner of the window sill. My mum must've stumbled upon it and decided to use it. This bar of soap came from NY in my barrel. It's a bar of Ponds moisturizing soap bar that I purchased during my "skin obsession phase" when I convinced myself that these things work since it says "softer skin in X number of days" on the packaging.
As I lifted it to my face, I got the scent of it that despite using it for months, I never really liked nor got accustomed to... It smells like cucumber melon soaked in baby oil. However, this scent was the scent of 4 months in my own flat in NY. It symbolized the privilege of doing my own groceries, being able to walk the aisles of the store and stand before shelves of varying items screaming "pick me, pick me!" and practice a lil product discrimination... and the weight of the bags in my hands from buying a little too much and still having to walk from 23rd & 2nd Ave. to 23rd & 7th ave to catch my train home. It symbolized the ability to travel that hour plus journey to a destination where I know that when I reach, whenever I reach, regardless of the train breaking down or bus delays, it's my place to do what I want, how I want. It symbolized sleeping in on weekends and cooking breakfast at lunchtime. It was reminiscent of ordering Dominoes pizza at nights with my flat mate because "...according to this here email there's a special on tonight..." and still debating about who should go answer the delivery man at the door when he arrives with our meal. It was waking up at 4 in the morning to get to school on time and still reaching to class late, or convincing myself that gyming at 6 am was the way to start the day... And even running through the snow as the bus rounds the corner so as to not miss it to rationalize walking up late and not going to gym that day because "...I've already done my morning cardio..." It was reaching home tired as a mofo, looking at the bar of soap on top my dresser by my tv, from my bed and wondering if a shower was really necessary for that night. It was convincing my flat mate to go jogging at midnight on the school track in front of the house, and getting burnt after the first lap. It was ordering Chinese from that Chinese restaurant I could never remember the name of, and have one too many take out menus of in my room. It was walking with Enda from 23rd & Lex. to Wild Berries on 5th ave, convincing ourselves that we needed a break from our intense (15 minutes of) studying and that 3-6$ per cup of frozen yogurt was a healthy and wise investment because you could put real fruits as toppings and the yogurt itself is supposedly less fatty than ice cream. *sigh*
The smell of that bar of soap, was New York in seconds like flip book memory pages. I put it back down and swore not to use it again....for a while. I miss New York.
The irony is that prior to this encounter with the soap, I started finding myself with a list of "what ifs" regarding going to NY in the first place... but the reality I guess is, everything plays out the way it should whether you choose to accept it initially or not.
Transferring to SGU after being in NY, to some, could be perceived as a waste of a whole year. Had I stayed, I could've probably gotten my permanency as a teacher. I could've finished more of my portfolio or been involved in more exhibitions. I could've finished my book. I could've been an active member of WAG. I could've...I could've... I could've...
Then again, realistically, NY was what I needed no matter how I flipped it. By that point in my life, I was incredibly frustrated. I was repeating mistakes to the point of them becoming practically habitual. Relationship-wise I was doomed for one way or another, whichever way I went.
The story had to play out the way it did. While it's not all fields of daisies right now. I'm happier in different ways. Had I not left, I would never have gotten the chance to meet my bf in a way which we could have a relationship... nor would I have been able to meet Enda, one of my closest friends that helped me get a different perspective on things whilst seeing exactly where I was coming from - in many ways, we were walking the same path but didn't recognize each other... nor would I have been able to see who my true friends are or perhaps, more appropriately, who genuinely is seeking my interests with their advice. Also... I would never have gotten the chance to live on my own - which is what I wanted, dreamed of, begged for years prior.
Also... even if I'm stubborn to admit it. I was extremely frustrated with life then. I might've quit my job, or continued complaining about it (even though I loved it too... yea... I know... strange... love/hate relationship). I would not have finished my portfolio nor been any closer to having my exhibition nor finished my book nor been active in WAG. Now that's keeping it real.
But whatever... what if's are always easier in retrospect - you already know how one story ended. But I guess, that's the beauty of life. And perhaps he's right... I should learn to relax.
Shelli out.
Also... even if I'm stubborn to admit it. I was extremely frustrated with life then. I might've quit my job, or continued complaining about it (even though I loved it too... yea... I know... strange... love/hate relationship). I would not have finished my portfolio nor been any closer to having my exhibition nor finished my book nor been active in WAG. Now that's keeping it real.
But whatever... what if's are always easier in retrospect - you already know how one story ended. But I guess, that's the beauty of life. And perhaps he's right... I should learn to relax.
Shelli out.
Does I know what me is doing?
I dunno...
Dorothy, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
***
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine posted on fb that the thing that destroys lives the most are two words in the English language............... "They say"
I remember chuckling to myself and hitting the "like" button, and wishing I could hit it multiple times because that is indeed true. People's commentary. There is always someone with information to carry be it "he say/she say/they say" so that "ah hear that..." can work as a starter.
How does it destroy lives? Because it leads to uncertainty. In a situation where a modicum of doubt existed, the smallest dash of "they say..." is all that is needed to make that modicum grow. Sometimes the doubt is valid, sometimes it's not. It's all a matter of perception. And of course, thus far in all our lives, we've had instances where our perceptions have misled us into hasty decisions or actions or assumptions. For example, the simple mistaken identities where you swear you see your friend walking ahead, and when you get closer you realize it's the wrong person. Or, post-scary movie, every sound and shadow is converted to "must-be-real" imagery from the movie. The list goes on and on, but this isn't a post about perception.
This is a post about uncertainty. Therefore, due to some rather amusing events that I'm sure I'll look back and chuckle to myself about, I retract my words. "They say" isn't the most dangerous thing - doubt is. "They say" means nothing in a situation where doubt doesn't exist. Thus, leading to trust.
The most important, defining moment, is trust. How much do you trust me?
I've had my share of small scale "he say/she say" recently. I also realize how easy it is to get caught up with it and try to rectify something. But you can't really stop that ball from moving. What you can do, however, is focus on that which you trust and have control over...
There will always be people's commentary. It's up to you to figure out what you need to know and whether you actually know it. If you do, that commentary would mean naught. If you don't, get ready for the roller-coaster doubt ride.
Pay no more mind to what you think you've seen
It's as they do only
Say what they say
'Cause there's only one way
They-Say Vision
It takes you back to just where you want
Like when you ain't know no way
-"They-say vision" Res
Shelli out.
P.S. I just realized the smell of mosquito coils brings me back to childhood memories of my babysitter. Hmm... and "they say" scent is the most powerful memory trigger....lol
I was just having the most interesting conversation with Donald.... well somehow we always end up on some obscure heavy topic but yea...
So we're talking about swearing for loved ones and cheating.
I always remember my dad telling me that he hates to get involved in people's business. Often he knows things, and despite knowing he'd say nothing, and if you came and told him he would act like he doesn't know.... Because he chooses not to get involved or part-take. As it relates to relationships, he continued with his theory that if the couple is happy as they are, why ruin it? Many times, a relationship is going good for the most part, and some concerned third party brings news of an outside affair, and the relationship falls apart and both parties end up miserable and heart broken. Therefore, by bringing news - have you really done a good thing?
Now by no means am I saying that I condone cheating. I can't even directly say that I wouldn't want to know. I'm a strange individual. In my short history of relationships, cheating (on me) has been consistent. But I've also been a rather paranoid person as well. First time I was young and uncertain of what a relationship was and if I understood what it meant to be in one. Second time I had trust issues, 3rd party issues and the notion of cheating falls into an arguably grey overlapping area. And the last guy... stupes.. the last guy should not have happened to begin with. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and you're not the great sorcerer Merlin so you can't miraculously change it to a cute, lovable, fluffy puppy - there's just certain things you don't do. And in each situation, I walked. I was sad for a lil' while, but that didn't stop the block and delete from my life process that ensued. I'm great friends now with both of my ex-es (the ones that count as people worth noting) but that's after an extended period of them ceasing to exist in my mind.
Had I not found out? Would things be different?
First of all, if you wanna be a player you have to know to play the game. Neither party really knew what they were doing, left enough traces unintentionally uncovered. And I have a way of finding things out. But let's say either was meticulous. That I wasn't distrustful or potentially unhappy... Let's assume that I was beaming from cheek to cheek almost everyday. Ok... so I was sometimes... That I was the best gf I could be, and treated my bf with respect, trust, etc... And they treated me similarly. There were no real foreseeable issues. Nothing that would make me remotely suspect a single thing.
And I know relationships like this... where the guy undergoes meticulous effort to cover every single base and have at least 3 circumstantially valid pre-planted potential "hunny I told you about this before..." explanations. The girl is happy. The guy is happy. (This is a very generalized he, her, him, girl, boy, guy now...not meant to be taken as an actual individual per se but an example) He doesn't cheat for lack of love and respect. He cheats because he can actually. Perhaps, because he thinks so highly of his gf that he doesn't want to do certain things with her because he doesn't want to see her in a too dirty light. Perhaps, because it's a long distance relationship.
He carefully chooses a cheating partner to eliminate the potential of information slippage... Reinforces the purely physical aspect of the "relationship" and that no one would take the place of his gf, especially not the cheat partner.
However, regardless the reason... The girl is happy in her ignorance. He's an integral part of her world. Helps her to be a better person.. all that good stuff. Likewise, the guy loves the girl to bits and pieces and shows her every chance he can - but cheats on the down low. Takes the time and effort to do it in such a way that her character is not compromised... or vice versa...
Now the third party comes in to do a favor and tell the trusting girl that her happy bubble needs prompt popping. The bubble gets popped, and all parties end up miserable. Or... in some instances, the couple look beyond it, forgive the cheating party and move on beyond the incident.
What would be the point? The value of such? If the people are happy in their existing situation, why should you get involved? What's in darkness will come to light eventually.. and if it doesn't, then oh well - it wasn't meant to.
By no means am I saying that I condone cheating... I'm just saying... If you know, chances are they probably do too... And if they don't know, is it really your part to get involved?
***
And as we continued the convo with regards to your value as a person in the relationship and stuff. I have mixed views. I'm opinionated, stubborn and sometimes...or most times.. in certain situations.. uncompromising unless I can be convinced that my stance is founded on false premises and yours is plausible.
I'm learning to try to always remember your value as a partner in any relationship. Be it a friendship, romance, etc. Everyone brings something to the table. If you're doing your part, being the best friend, gf, bf, whatever... that you could be sincerely and the other party is taking it for granted or decides they should want to leave. Let them.
Always remember your value. In the end, most times, they realize what they've lost and would come back. Always think of yourself, and everyone in your life as special and treat them accordingly. Everyone is special. And... if you lose any of those ones... you'd be losing a good thing. And most likely, you'd live to regret it.
I've had people list me as regrets (of having lost). My ex-es did say as much post-breakup, years later... I've had friends that have said as much as well (of course on a platonic level). Likewise, I have my list of people I regret losing that I ponder from time to time. I have moments where I re-think breakups... and I can't think of a person more absolute than me when I start to walk, so pride alone stops me from turning back after all my huffing and puffing.
Anyways... it's getting late and I'm forgetting the point of this post.
In conclusion, the main points I hope I made was that.. while cheating is not a good thing and should not be condoned, ignorance does equal bliss sometimes. And cheating doesn't necessarily mean you don't love the person - it could simply mean you're momentarily distracted by a shiney, new toy so to speak. Also, never forget your value as a person or ever forget you're special regardless, and treat others accordingly.
Shelli out.
So we're talking about swearing for loved ones and cheating.
I always remember my dad telling me that he hates to get involved in people's business. Often he knows things, and despite knowing he'd say nothing, and if you came and told him he would act like he doesn't know.... Because he chooses not to get involved or part-take. As it relates to relationships, he continued with his theory that if the couple is happy as they are, why ruin it? Many times, a relationship is going good for the most part, and some concerned third party brings news of an outside affair, and the relationship falls apart and both parties end up miserable and heart broken. Therefore, by bringing news - have you really done a good thing?
Now by no means am I saying that I condone cheating. I can't even directly say that I wouldn't want to know. I'm a strange individual. In my short history of relationships, cheating (on me) has been consistent. But I've also been a rather paranoid person as well. First time I was young and uncertain of what a relationship was and if I understood what it meant to be in one. Second time I had trust issues, 3rd party issues and the notion of cheating falls into an arguably grey overlapping area. And the last guy... stupes.. the last guy should not have happened to begin with. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and you're not the great sorcerer Merlin so you can't miraculously change it to a cute, lovable, fluffy puppy - there's just certain things you don't do. And in each situation, I walked. I was sad for a lil' while, but that didn't stop the block and delete from my life process that ensued. I'm great friends now with both of my ex-es (the ones that count as people worth noting) but that's after an extended period of them ceasing to exist in my mind.
Had I not found out? Would things be different?
First of all, if you wanna be a player you have to know to play the game. Neither party really knew what they were doing, left enough traces unintentionally uncovered. And I have a way of finding things out. But let's say either was meticulous. That I wasn't distrustful or potentially unhappy... Let's assume that I was beaming from cheek to cheek almost everyday. Ok... so I was sometimes... That I was the best gf I could be, and treated my bf with respect, trust, etc... And they treated me similarly. There were no real foreseeable issues. Nothing that would make me remotely suspect a single thing.
And I know relationships like this... where the guy undergoes meticulous effort to cover every single base and have at least 3 circumstantially valid pre-planted potential "hunny I told you about this before..." explanations. The girl is happy. The guy is happy. (This is a very generalized he, her, him, girl, boy, guy now...not meant to be taken as an actual individual per se but an example) He doesn't cheat for lack of love and respect. He cheats because he can actually. Perhaps, because he thinks so highly of his gf that he doesn't want to do certain things with her because he doesn't want to see her in a too dirty light. Perhaps, because it's a long distance relationship.
He carefully chooses a cheating partner to eliminate the potential of information slippage... Reinforces the purely physical aspect of the "relationship" and that no one would take the place of his gf, especially not the cheat partner.
However, regardless the reason... The girl is happy in her ignorance. He's an integral part of her world. Helps her to be a better person.. all that good stuff. Likewise, the guy loves the girl to bits and pieces and shows her every chance he can - but cheats on the down low. Takes the time and effort to do it in such a way that her character is not compromised... or vice versa...
Now the third party comes in to do a favor and tell the trusting girl that her happy bubble needs prompt popping. The bubble gets popped, and all parties end up miserable. Or... in some instances, the couple look beyond it, forgive the cheating party and move on beyond the incident.
What would be the point? The value of such? If the people are happy in their existing situation, why should you get involved? What's in darkness will come to light eventually.. and if it doesn't, then oh well - it wasn't meant to.
By no means am I saying that I condone cheating... I'm just saying... If you know, chances are they probably do too... And if they don't know, is it really your part to get involved?
How does this relate to swearing for loved ones? So I said that I'm not worried... and I don't worry about stuff like that with my new bf... and I doubt my bf would engage in such, and if he is, he's one of the meticulous ones because I have no reason to suspect anything. Now I'm by no means solemnly swearing, head on a block (but that's purely because accidents happen and a knife accidentally knicking my skin is an icky thought) but... I trust him. And I trust him enough to believe that he wouldn't intentionally set out to hurt me... and that factors in somehow... And I'm not going out of my way to disprove and make myself unhappy. Keeping an element of distrust, I've learnt, is just a way of unconsciously looking for an "I knew this was going to happen" in the relationship. When you look for things, you seem to find it and may end up even causing it just because of the suspicion... No one wants to be the "gullible idiot" but similarly, no one wants to be fool who blocked their own shot and ruined a good thing.
***
And as we continued the convo with regards to your value as a person in the relationship and stuff. I have mixed views. I'm opinionated, stubborn and sometimes...or most times.. in certain situations.. uncompromising unless I can be convinced that my stance is founded on false premises and yours is plausible.
I'm learning to try to always remember your value as a partner in any relationship. Be it a friendship, romance, etc. Everyone brings something to the table. If you're doing your part, being the best friend, gf, bf, whatever... that you could be sincerely and the other party is taking it for granted or decides they should want to leave. Let them.
Always remember your value. In the end, most times, they realize what they've lost and would come back. Always think of yourself, and everyone in your life as special and treat them accordingly. Everyone is special. And... if you lose any of those ones... you'd be losing a good thing. And most likely, you'd live to regret it.
I've had people list me as regrets (of having lost). My ex-es did say as much post-breakup, years later... I've had friends that have said as much as well (of course on a platonic level). Likewise, I have my list of people I regret losing that I ponder from time to time. I have moments where I re-think breakups... and I can't think of a person more absolute than me when I start to walk, so pride alone stops me from turning back after all my huffing and puffing.
Anyways... it's getting late and I'm forgetting the point of this post.
In conclusion, the main points I hope I made was that.. while cheating is not a good thing and should not be condoned, ignorance does equal bliss sometimes. And cheating doesn't necessarily mean you don't love the person - it could simply mean you're momentarily distracted by a shiney, new toy so to speak. Also, never forget your value as a person or ever forget you're special regardless, and treat others accordingly.
***
I believe I found the limitations to my open mindedness.
And...
Mankind does not know,
whether to laugh or cry.
And...
Mankind does not know,
whether to laugh or cry.
***
So I've been having the most absurd, amusing day ever...
Firstly, don't laugh too much or perk your eyebrows so much so that they hit your hairline, I got out of the car, grabbed my laptop. Walked to the bus stop to wait for the bus..................................................
............................and then realized I forgot my school bag in the car.
Who................... does that?! I mean aside from me.... but this is totally a one off experience... But.......How is that even possible?
Then I bounced into someone I stopped talking to a while now... hmmm....
Whatever man. Doesn't really put me out I guess...It's all inconsequential anyways... And if it isn't, as Dean Koontz would say -- There's always cake.
Natti saw it coming a thousand miles away.......regardless of what happens as of consequence.
~~~
It's like checking into this uber cool hotel.....and then realizing it sucks!!! Demonoid.
Ov-er-ra-ted.
Ares for the win.
Ov-er-ra-ted.
Ares for the win.
~~~
In conclusion... Does fate exist? And if yes, is it something that can be altered or evaded? For instance, children are somewhat destined to emulate what they see be it in their households and environment.... Therefore, is it fated to end up in a parallel adult existence upon entrance to adulthood? Is it possible to avoid it with conscious efforts to break old habits/patterns? Or... irregardless of those efforts "you can't keep running away from what you're trying to find."
~~~
I'm tired of letting other things take precedence over me... For once I shall start taking precedence for myself.
Starting with getting my book back... from my... community service...lol... amongst other things. (reference from an older post)
so... ♪♪ shut up and let me go ♪♪
Shelli. Out.
Ciao.
Here is my last effort to write this same post... that I've been trying to write all day but keep having interruptions.
There's a point in the book where the wise man explains that as a child each person knows their purpose but as they grow they stifle the voice and learn fear. They have dreams of impossibilities and potential achievements, learn fear then spend years trying to find that voice back fumbling around in the darkness. The key to this whole thing is to find that purpose.... that key and run with it. Seeing I'm still on this "Who I want to be" quest, it made me think of all the different things I've passionately wanted to do - and those that keep coming back up. Since I was a little girl I used to write - a lot. I have finished novels that I don't even remember writing, that's actually surprisingly good sans the modern additions of romance and such to thicken the plots. I wrote mostly adventure stories. Aside from that, I wanted to be a journalist. Me and my best friend at the time, Roxanne, would walk around the primary school documenting everything that happened. I even got one of those long ruled books (like those they give you to write lesson plans in school) and I would document everything in a formal dated format.
Then I switched primary schools, and developed an interest in Art. I mean, I used to draw all the time, but it was given as a formal subject at my new school and I dabbled in it. And throughout my interest with both, I've always loved caring for things. At one point my house was like a stray animal center. I rescued a baby chicken from some boys in the neighbourhood once, couldn't find its mother, and took it home and it became my pet. I also found a half-dead baby chicken in my mom's garden another time, brought it home and tried to nurse it back to health...Then there was a broken-winged pigeon which mom made me give away... And a snail.. I had a monkey for a day... A pet crab and crayfish... dogs... a sheep...
So umm... as I was saying...
Firstly, I decided to start back reading again. At one point I used to read so much.... and then I stopped. Since stopping, I've realized my writing starting to deteriorate in various ways and I'm actually at a loss for words in some instances. And if it were one thing, I was at least a little proud of my to-date (then) vocabulary.
Seeing my courses this semester are all forcing my to read a lot. I've decided to take front and start back getting into the habits. Starting with books people have been encouraging me to give a viewing, along with books I started and never bothered to finish (yes that includes all my college literature books from Grenada and NY).
So, I started and finished "The Alchemist" by Paul Cuelo... Click on the title to go directly to the e-book. Turns out, it is a great read. It's written very simply, and essentially tells a tale we've all heard before... well a tale some of us have heard before... but tend to forget. It's very inspiring.... so I finished it around 8, after a certain somebody called and officially woke me up. *cough* Sher *cough* ...and it set the pace for the remainder of the day.
There's a point in the book where the wise man explains that as a child each person knows their purpose but as they grow they stifle the voice and learn fear. They have dreams of impossibilities and potential achievements, learn fear then spend years trying to find that voice back fumbling around in the darkness. The key to this whole thing is to find that purpose.... that key and run with it. Seeing I'm still on this "Who I want to be" quest, it made me think of all the different things I've passionately wanted to do - and those that keep coming back up. Since I was a little girl I used to write - a lot. I have finished novels that I don't even remember writing, that's actually surprisingly good sans the modern additions of romance and such to thicken the plots. I wrote mostly adventure stories. Aside from that, I wanted to be a journalist. Me and my best friend at the time, Roxanne, would walk around the primary school documenting everything that happened. I even got one of those long ruled books (like those they give you to write lesson plans in school) and I would document everything in a formal dated format.
Then I switched primary schools, and developed an interest in Art. I mean, I used to draw all the time, but it was given as a formal subject at my new school and I dabbled in it. And throughout my interest with both, I've always loved caring for things. At one point my house was like a stray animal center. I rescued a baby chicken from some boys in the neighbourhood once, couldn't find its mother, and took it home and it became my pet. I also found a half-dead baby chicken in my mom's garden another time, brought it home and tried to nurse it back to health...Then there was a broken-winged pigeon which mom made me give away... And a snail.. I had a monkey for a day... A pet crab and crayfish... dogs... a sheep...
So umm... as I was saying...
I went to the kitchen to help mom do some baking, and try a couple recipes myself. I've been craving sweet stuff (again) whole week. I believe it's just my body looking for quick energy fixes since I'm not eating too proper..... But anyways, I decided on cheesecake and banana nut muffins. So after gathering all my ingredients, I realized I didn't have crackers for the crust. Dad refused to go buy crackers for me, so I (reluctantly) ended up walking down the road to go to the neighbourhood shop.
So I'm walking down my road, under my umbrella (because the sun is too hot for me), in my home clothes and as I round the corner at the bottom of my hill I hear lots of, what can only be described as, passionate harmonized shouting. It was coming from the Revival Faith church which I'm assuming must be a Shaka-Baptiste church, I could be wrong.. But I found myself intrigued and curious about what it's like... Yea yea yea I know.. I'm too curious. Oh well.
When I finally got to the shop I had a (not so) strange conversation with the shop keeper. Below is essentially how it went... (SK) - (shop keeper)
SK: "So yuh studying medicine at SGU?" *big grin*
Me: *slightly puzzled* "How do you know I'm going to SGU?"
SK: "I see you every morning when you going to school...
dem kinda hours it hadda be SGU you going" *grin*
*I ponder pointing out it could easily be college I'm going to...
and I do look young enough still but decide against it*
Me: "No... actually... I'm doing Liberal Studies" *small smile*
SK: *Now he's momentarily puzzled... and then smiles politely* "Oh.. umm..
ok.. that's nice"
And around that point was my cue to leave... So I left feeling slightly...ruffled? I mean, certain careers just hold prestige and charm behind it without the need for many words... But then let's say you declare you want to be a teacher - that is - a highly influential person molding the minds of tomorrow, capable of restoring hope in parents and stability in homes, etc... And you receive the polite smile, unless it's someone who has experienced teaching directly or indirectly to have an appreciation for it.
Recently, ever since I decided to abandon my Bio/Psych direction to pursue Liberal Arts, I've found myself constantly looking for reasons and means to validate taking this route. Last week, I came to the conclusion to specialize in English under it with a mix of business, perhaps art, and politics. (Or even double with politics.... but I don't want to be in school forever and a day either) And there's so much you can do with an Liberal Arts and..... even an English degree, if one should think practically.
With a Liberal Arts degree you're much more well rounded than other students who specialize within their first degree because you cover a little bit of everything. Often specialized degrees just cover the specialization, everything else regarding marketing oneself and such is a wing-it or link-it process. With a Liberal Arts degree you're supposed to have mastered the art of communication and expression along with developed a hypothetical backbone and fierceness to represent yourself in any given situation and essentially land almost any job... as the degree is so broad based. The most truly useful career skills -- such as the ability to express oneself clearly, concisely and forcefully -- are best acquired with that sort of degree(said by my Lit prof in NY). Furthermore, English can never be overrated as a degree. I'm increasingly believing it's underrated more and more each day. And it's increasingly becoming more necessary and requested by employers all over. This article shows the decline, it's effects and demands for it in the States.
End of rant......
....So I continued walking and passed by a paw paw tree that I never really saw before. It was right on eye level too. Naturally, I probably never noticed it because whenever I'm walking that road it's hurriedly at night with little effort or time to take in the surroundings. I saw a ripe paw paw on the tree and kept walking... Then stopped, remembered what the book said about omens. Turned around, went back, and picked it. I walked home rather pleased with myself... Not only did I have a bag of crackers but I had a whole paw paw as well. My joy was temporarily blemished when I got home and my parents asked if I picked it off the diseased tree along the road right before the bend.......which is exactly where I picked it.
But surprisingly, it tastes fine. Yay me. *high five to omens*
***
Long short... I baked a cheese cake and my muffins. Neither came out well and neither was my fault because a certain somebody *cough*mom*cough* kept tampering with the goods. But it came out ok enough.
Tomorrow I have to go do the exam for *hopefully* my future place of employment for the remainder of my schooling... Or at least a part of it. Only kink I foresee is training...
But walk with faith, collide with destiny. Tell the universe what you want, and it conspires to provide what you need to achieve it...
So watch me walk trustingly.
P.S. My semester seems to be much more challenging than I initially foresaw. But that's ok. Lazy I can be, but I love a class where I feel like I'm learning... and every minute in it means a minute of drinking up something I didn't know before... I think Ima enjoy it.
Deuces my lovelies....
Shelli OUT.
*throws up the peace sign*
oh... P.S.S.
Quote of the day: "There's a shortage of doctors... not a shortage of medical students." - Daniel
I left the me I used to be...
...I wanna see this through
I left the me I used to...
...If only you'd see it too...
-"City" Natalie Imbruglia
***
It must get tiring realizing there's always just a little more room to fall. Correction, it's frustrating to realize you haven't quite hit the bottom and there's just a little bit more depression to fall through.
I stand by the principle of "if you can look up, sit up, then you can get up" but I don't believe that's possible while free falling.
Stupes.
Shelli out.
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky
Now make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away
-"Break Away" Kelly Clarkson
***
Something's up. I'm not quite sure what it is. One thing is certain though, this shall make for some good art and writing. Nanowrimo is next month. I'll just make a melodramatic plot line...lol
But seriously though, something's up and I'm not sure what it is. I'm re-thinking everything. I'm analyzing everything. Perhaps, being a bit too critical. But perhaps it's all this head burying in the sand, that has got me here to begin with.
No I can't just relax and let it go. I'm not sure what it is I'm letting go. There's a question mark over what the problem is... and that, truly is, more annoying than the problem. If only I could go to war with my denial, I would kill it. But I can't... because I'm excellent at providing hiding places.
So... after years of playing circular arguments, I shall try to deal with this from the front. No more nonverbal communication. Time to start being a big girl, and start being a lot more open, a lot more vocal, a lot more everything.
And about the coldness I'm beginning to feel... I want to kill that too. I don't want to be cold.
I could/should be at the beach right now at the cook but I'm not because...
So... I have an exam tomorrow that I'm not ready for and I'm not able to focus on... and that's beginning to get to me too.
I'm craving cake again too... but there's no cake in the house and it's a public holiday.
Know what? I'm going to write a poem listing all these things that are beginning to get to me...stupes.
Shelli out.
Cuz each broken heart will eventually mend...
Your heart belongs to someone you have yet to meet...
And someday you will be loved.
-DCFC "Someday you will be loved"
They say that deep down, everyone knows what's best for them - even if they don't want to admit it to themselves. You can tell from the very inception whether something will work or not, from the mere core intuition of it all, but there's almost nothing greater than denial. And it's our reluctance to admit what's wrong and learn to let go that keeps us holding on trying to make something work. Trying to fit a triangle into a circle.
We are the gatekeepers to our own happiness. Our own prison wardens. Sometimes, life is that simple - we just complicate it. Sometimes it really could just be either, or. And you just follow through and try not to regret it because... to cop that cliche, have no regrets because whatever you did at that point in time was exactly what you wanted. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.. I'm just trying things out, seeing what works but for the first time. In a long time. It feels right, uncertain, but right. I'm not saying my decisions won't be mistakes, I don't know the outcomes... but what's important is that it feels like the right decisions. And thats peaceful in and of itself.
I've been bouncing back and forth indecisively trying to figure out who I am and what paths I am choosing for myself...and every day, funnily enough, I grow more confused yet at the same time I'm worrying less and less. I'm learning that the answers unfold before your eyes if you just give it time - just wait and be patient.
I've been reflecting upon the different friends I've met and what my Lit prof said about solipsism, and how we are all mirrors of ourselves. We all reflect images of each other, a little fragment... Free will isn't as free as we think, nor are our identities... It's shaped and influenced and balanced off by everything around us.. Perhaps, nature's little manipulation. Nuntheless, everything works out in the end. All the puzzle pieces fit eventually. Nothing is static in nature, it's fluid... like oil rolling off of... I don't even know what. But it sounds nice.. has more constitution than water...
Anyways... there comes a point when the most absurd thing is what works. You can't stop and think about it. You can't always analyze it. You stop, and trust that where ever you are, whatever you are doing, whom ever you are with is happening in this exact moment, for a completely valid reason. One that you don't know yet... one thats a part of the bigger picture of the bigger picture that we are all a part of.
"Therefore, live every day as if it's the first day of your life. The only day that isn't, is the day that you die."
Relax. And quit pretending. Just be.... and live.....!
Everything that is meant to happen... eventually does.
Also, embrace your weirdness.. Like Bette Midler says, cherish forever what makes you unique, for without it - you are a just a yawn.
And, I'd rather be anything, than ordinary, please.
I love my eccentricities.
Everyone should see that movie... "American Beauty"
It's just.. a lovely piece of literature caught on film.
And... I'd rather be anything, than ordinary please.
Shelli out.
Ughh... I wanna paint but its 4 in the morning...! I'm going to get up at 6 .. yes yes... that I will do.
*wink*
We are the gatekeepers to our own happiness. Our own prison wardens. Sometimes, life is that simple - we just complicate it. Sometimes it really could just be either, or. And you just follow through and try not to regret it because... to cop that cliche, have no regrets because whatever you did at that point in time was exactly what you wanted. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.. I'm just trying things out, seeing what works but for the first time. In a long time. It feels right, uncertain, but right. I'm not saying my decisions won't be mistakes, I don't know the outcomes... but what's important is that it feels like the right decisions. And thats peaceful in and of itself.
I've been bouncing back and forth indecisively trying to figure out who I am and what paths I am choosing for myself...and every day, funnily enough, I grow more confused yet at the same time I'm worrying less and less. I'm learning that the answers unfold before your eyes if you just give it time - just wait and be patient.
I've been reflecting upon the different friends I've met and what my Lit prof said about solipsism, and how we are all mirrors of ourselves. We all reflect images of each other, a little fragment... Free will isn't as free as we think, nor are our identities... It's shaped and influenced and balanced off by everything around us.. Perhaps, nature's little manipulation. Nuntheless, everything works out in the end. All the puzzle pieces fit eventually. Nothing is static in nature, it's fluid... like oil rolling off of... I don't even know what. But it sounds nice.. has more constitution than water...
Anyways... there comes a point when the most absurd thing is what works. You can't stop and think about it. You can't always analyze it. You stop, and trust that where ever you are, whatever you are doing, whom ever you are with is happening in this exact moment, for a completely valid reason. One that you don't know yet... one thats a part of the bigger picture of the bigger picture that we are all a part of.
"Therefore, live every day as if it's the first day of your life. The only day that isn't, is the day that you die."
Relax. And quit pretending. Just be.... and live.....!
Everything that is meant to happen... eventually does.
Also, embrace your weirdness.. Like Bette Midler says, cherish forever what makes you unique, for without it - you are a just a yawn.
And, I'd rather be anything, than ordinary, please.
I love my eccentricities.
Everyone should see that movie... "American Beauty"
It's just.. a lovely piece of literature caught on film.
And... I'd rather be anything, than ordinary please.
Shelli out.
Ughh... I wanna paint but its 4 in the morning...! I'm going to get up at 6 .. yes yes... that I will do.
*wink*
I'm telling the wrong lies...
the right lies would atleast be keys,
they would open doors
'Hesitations outside the door'
the right lies would atleast be keys,
they would open doors
'Hesitations outside the door'
(Margaret Atwood)
So it's the first day of the fourth month and fortunately enough, everyone in my life is way too busy to try and pull pranks on me.
I got my History paper back - I got an A. I got my Literature paper back, and along with the whole class, I have sentence by sentence edits... *mutter grumble mutter* To do over the paper for next Tuesday because she wants us to become better writers and such... which is awesome... but I don't wanna write this paper over and polish it up.. chuts.
So finally I've decided to sit back and relax while I watch before me as things complicate themselves without my involvement. Somehow, I find myself in the midst of sheer confused minds... and each day that passes things seemingly become less certain, more comedic - except it fails to tickle my funny bone most of the time, and fragile. And each day they seem to get a little closer to touch the outskirts of insanity.
So now... I've fully exhausted myself with trying to know. Before I walk back into a historical repetition and get caught up in a matrix...I realize I have a bad habit of forming my own conclusions and stubbornly holding onto it.. but this time, I'm just going to relax and observe... and yea, I'm finally learning how to do that. No over analyzing or under analyzing.
*sigh* I don't know anymore...
Wait...wait... that's a lie... I know what I want... Recently I've been majoring in "knowing what I want" I just wish the people around me did so we could move forward, be it united or separate... Some things are worth the fight. Some things it's better to spare yourself the trouble and leave it alone, because its just not worth it... and other things fall into that alluring "unattainable" category of no matter how hard you try, it'll always be just out of reach, just not meant for you.
It's just a matter of patience and intuition to decipher it. Pity, neither are in my repertoire of virtues.
***
Of all the things I've believed in..
..I just want to get it over with
-Michelle Branch
Shelli out.
..I just want to get it over with
-Michelle Branch
Shelli out.
mm Mm Mm mm...
Let me talk to 'em...
Let me talk to 'em...
mm Mm Mm mm...
Shorty had them apple bottom jeans...
-'Low' Flo Rida
Let me talk to 'em...
Let me talk to 'em...
mm Mm Mm mm...
Shorty had them apple bottom jeans...
-'Low' Flo Rida
***
I'm in a low mood. I'm confident that it would pass... But that knowledge doesn't stop me from feeling how I feel right now.
Have you ever felt inexplicably sad...? And quiet...? Not necessarily lonely, but wanting to be alone...? And just wanted to sleep the day away...? But you don't feel you deserve to sleep because there's just so much more you could potentially be doing with your wake time...? Papers to write, courses/material to study, yet you just can't summon the energy or willpower to do anything. To want to do anything... because you just feel low..?
I feel perhaps maybe I've been too positive over the past couple of days... My cup runneth over with sheer positive thoughts and good vibrations... (lol)
A friend of mine was worried about the Business exam Friday and I convinced her she could do it despite obvious hindrances, and I convinced myself I could teach myself the material... And I did. I didn't fully grasp the concepts in class, but between using the textbook and getting Russel to walk me through and fine tune little concepts here and there, I got it. But the exam was a disaster. I felt so optimistic about the first exam and I did so horribly. Now I'm sure I was more thorough for this one, yet all my optimism has exited through that exit *points* stage left. (Snagglepuss)
Then the day before I made a special effort to get to school early... That is I tried to get up at 4.30 am to leave by 5-5.30... to make it to school on time for my 7.55 am class. My aunt woke me by accident, fortunately or unfortunately, at minutes to 6.30 or 6.40... I can't remember... All I know is that I reached there half an hour late. I was so annoyed... And I really tried.
Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough... yes yes... that must be it.
***
Sigh... Oh well...
On a plus note, I was craving junk food so I went to the deli 'round the corner and got me some.... cheesy popcorn, onion rings, snickers, marshmallow treat squares, cake and Italian ice. I finished the popcorn, onion rings, half of the cake slice and I'm going to be moving on to the Italian ice in a minute.
Bleh.
***
I've lost my zest to finish this post.
Perhaps I shall write a fresh one with my new philosophy on life as I intended to do days ago (but I've been so busy)... Anyways...
A humble Shelli,
Out.
