***
"I was praying last night and I found myself asking God for happiness.
I had to retract that request and pray for contentment
instead, happiness is a fool's dream"
-Hevan Leigh
***
"Love?? Love you say! Why... Why would you wish such horrors upon me?!?!"
-Hevan Leigh
I'm so tired of being tired.
It's been a long, tumultuous couple weeks packed with drama and deadlines. This is probably the first official break I've had to post coherently in a while. One of my fears I guess was not knowing how to express myself as I usually do without overwhelming my writing with emotion. However, I decided to just suck it up and type. Whatever flows over, flows over. It's just been one of those past couple weeks. So... consider this my fair warning. Any posts from now and for the next couple weeks run the risk of being highly inexplicably emotive and candid.
I was pondering making this a life lessons post but I decided against it because I couldn't elaborate sufficiently on any one particular lesson. Instead, it's more like a series of revelations I had about myself.
Firstly, I learned that although I consider myself to be an incredibly impatient person: I always want things now for now. I found myself exercising patience that I never knew I had. Patience and understanding. Of course, patience and understanding rarely ever work out in your favour in the long run...
...Lesson number two, you can know it all and understand it all but it doesn't necessarily change a damn thing. In fact, all that understanding could just lead to bitterness, or further confusion once denial sets in, or the onslaught of questions in efforts to understand better. People don't always have answers. Thus, it can lead to the creation of a very frustrating situation.
...That could release your inner child. I don't mean the happy inner child. I mean the relentless inner child. The one that recognizes his/her naivety and demands to be released from the ignorance that surrounds him/her. I think everyone has that experience at least once in their lives. They feel that they just need to know. What is it that they need to know isn't always quite certain. I think it's more a heightened awareness that something's different and a need to figure out what it is.
...But then, thats where truth comes in. The truth is that everyone lies. Facts never change... But truth is the delivery of fact, and that delivery is oft subject to alteration. Thus, in reality, you may never know all that you've convinced yourself that you need to know.
Therefore, all of that to say, sometimes distance is what we really need, and not closure.
***
There are things that I wish I could change. Situations I would love to replay and do differently. Steps I would love to retrace. People I would have preferred to have never met. Places I wish I had never been.
However, such is life. Each one of these experiences, mind you despite wishes aren't quite regrets, have shaped me into who I am. And while I may not understand everything now... it'll all make sense soon enough. It always does in time.
Besides, everything is always ok in the end... And if it's not ok, then it's not the end.
***
...Why does she live in a world so cold?
...took advantage of the nice, naive and beautiful...
We're all dealt our lumps of coal...
What you do with it can turn beautiful
Well there's a life outside of this madness
And there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love.
So my days have been filled with lots of question marks, raised eyebrows and sarcastic remarks when I choose not to make the effort to hide it behind a smile and "... oh really?"
Reason being? Cuz, it seems apparently I'm back in that questioning stage in the cycle that is Shelli's existence. The consolation is, that right after the questioning comes about some grand epiphany which brings about even grander results. I've found myself doing what my bf seems to insist on calling "over thinking" and not relaxing enough... but I can't help but feel as if I should be questioning stuff in my life right now; as if the reason why I can't supposedly relax is because I'm not getting the answers that I'm looking for - and by answers I mean not what I want to hear, but the reality of what it is. I can handle it. Hit me with some reality here God.
Every morning, I go through a "snooze" button phase for about half hour before reluctantly acknowledging that departure from my bed is necessary when the sun starts to creep across my sheets to my legs. Then I proceed into the shower, where I gaze out the window looking at the landscape and begin my pensive morning musings... But this morning I had a distraction - I noticed a familiar green bar of soap on the left corner of the window sill. My mum must've stumbled upon it and decided to use it. This bar of soap came from NY in my barrel. It's a bar of Ponds moisturizing soap bar that I purchased during my "skin obsession phase" when I convinced myself that these things work since it says "softer skin in X number of days" on the packaging.
As I lifted it to my face, I got the scent of it that despite using it for months, I never really liked nor got accustomed to... It smells like cucumber melon soaked in baby oil. However, this scent was the scent of 4 months in my own flat in NY. It symbolized the privilege of doing my own groceries, being able to walk the aisles of the store and stand before shelves of varying items screaming "pick me, pick me!" and practice a lil product discrimination... and the weight of the bags in my hands from buying a little too much and still having to walk from 23rd & 2nd Ave. to 23rd & 7th ave to catch my train home. It symbolized the ability to travel that hour plus journey to a destination where I know that when I reach, whenever I reach, regardless of the train breaking down or bus delays, it's my place to do what I want, how I want. It symbolized sleeping in on weekends and cooking breakfast at lunchtime. It was reminiscent of ordering Dominoes pizza at nights with my flat mate because "...according to this here email there's a special on tonight..." and still debating about who should go answer the delivery man at the door when he arrives with our meal. It was waking up at 4 in the morning to get to school on time and still reaching to class late, or convincing myself that gyming at 6 am was the way to start the day... And even running through the snow as the bus rounds the corner so as to not miss it to rationalize walking up late and not going to gym that day because "...I've already done my morning cardio..." It was reaching home tired as a mofo, looking at the bar of soap on top my dresser by my tv, from my bed and wondering if a shower was really necessary for that night. It was convincing my flat mate to go jogging at midnight on the school track in front of the house, and getting burnt after the first lap. It was ordering Chinese from that Chinese restaurant I could never remember the name of, and have one too many take out menus of in my room. It was walking with Enda from 23rd & Lex. to Wild Berries on 5th ave, convincing ourselves that we needed a break from our intense (15 minutes of) studying and that 3-6$ per cup of frozen yogurt was a healthy and wise investment because you could put real fruits as toppings and the yogurt itself is supposedly less fatty than ice cream. *sigh*
The smell of that bar of soap, was New York in seconds like flip book memory pages. I put it back down and swore not to use it again....for a while. I miss New York.
The irony is that prior to this encounter with the soap, I started finding myself with a list of "what ifs" regarding going to NY in the first place... but the reality I guess is, everything plays out the way it should whether you choose to accept it initially or not.
Transferring to SGU after being in NY, to some, could be perceived as a waste of a whole year. Had I stayed, I could've probably gotten my permanency as a teacher. I could've finished more of my portfolio or been involved in more exhibitions. I could've finished my book. I could've been an active member of WAG. I could've...I could've... I could've...
Then again, realistically, NY was what I needed no matter how I flipped it. By that point in my life, I was incredibly frustrated. I was repeating mistakes to the point of them becoming practically habitual. Relationship-wise I was doomed for one way or another, whichever way I went.
The story had to play out the way it did. While it's not all fields of daisies right now. I'm happier in different ways. Had I not left, I would never have gotten the chance to meet my bf in a way which we could have a relationship... nor would I have been able to meet Enda, one of my closest friends that helped me get a different perspective on things whilst seeing exactly where I was coming from - in many ways, we were walking the same path but didn't recognize each other... nor would I have been able to see who my true friends are or perhaps, more appropriately, who genuinely is seeking my interests with their advice. Also... I would never have gotten the chance to live on my own - which is what I wanted, dreamed of, begged for years prior.
Also... even if I'm stubborn to admit it. I was extremely frustrated with life then. I might've quit my job, or continued complaining about it (even though I loved it too... yea... I know... strange... love/hate relationship). I would not have finished my portfolio nor been any closer to having my exhibition nor finished my book nor been active in WAG. Now that's keeping it real.
But whatever... what if's are always easier in retrospect - you already know how one story ended. But I guess, that's the beauty of life. And perhaps he's right... I should learn to relax.
You know things are bad when it's only midnight and you resort to blogging after being MIA for months... or atleast it feels like it's been months since I've posted proper.
You also know its bad when you're so restless that you re-sign online after midnight, after shutting down your pc 15 minutes prior, onto your 100+ contact list IM account where there is always someone on. And funnily enough you picked the one night when the rest of the world is tired and decidedly gone to bed early but you, oh genius... spent the entire day sleeping to escape reality to only for it to catch up with you in the moment the world is most silent and you're most awake with your own thoughts.
I stumbled across a photo online the other day that had scribbled on it how you only realize how lonely the night is when you're the only one up, can't fall asleep, constantly thinking and then comes the moment when you stop thinking and you're just silent... and the dawning realization sets in.
So the thoughts have stopped. Now it's just me, the crickets and the occasional passing vehicle on the main road. Stupes.
I want to sleep. I want to be so tired that my eyes are closing down on me and the second my head hits the sheets I'm out... So I can get up early in the morning and get my business sorted.
I spent the whole of today letting things happen to me and being bothered by it. Two cheers for a pity party. Now that that's over, and a day has been wasted on "going with that feeling" and "appreciating that anger/annoyance" (lol) I dedicate today, Friday, July 24th as the day that magic happens.
I really need to start getting my business in order. Tomorrow I shall do up the rest of goals to cover the rest of the year. My 6 month goals have been covered more or less I believe.
Got my GPA up. Moved out and *gasp* survived on my own. Decided on my majors (twice). Re-applied, transferred out and got accepted to another university. Sounds like progress, feels like progress... just isn't happening as quickly as I would envision it to...
But then again, I'm known for many things, but patience isn't one of them.
My new game plan for the rest of the year involves the potential of getting a job, because this full-time student with parental cash flow isn't working too righteous. It also covers trying to get my GPA up even higher because I think it's just laziness that's keeping it down now... And learning some patience.
OOoOo so there's nothing more petrifying like moving back home. Ooo the joys of uncertainty and the fear of the unknown intermingled with everything you ran away from. Yay. Well, everyone has to face down their demons some time? I say, it's better to deal with it now... than deal with it later. And fear is no reason to run in the opposite direction.
And lack of understanding from others isn't a reason either. So long as I get it, I figure that's what matters for now. Everyone else can catch up with me eventually.
On an aside, my skin feels strangely tender. And as usual, googling symptoms is always the perfect way to freak yourself out. Anyways, it's not the first time.. and the doctors says it's nothing.. Infact one online told someone with similar symptoms that it's stress/anxiety related and not due to any dire internal problem. I'll just... see what happens.
Now,
For the coup de gras.......
There is none.
But I shall make another, what feels like a futile effort, to fall back asleep.
DeUcEs...
Shelli out
(believe it or not.. this convo was completely unrelated to anything skimmed over in this post...)
Under the blood, above the influence...Eat your
heart out sweetheart ;) says (12:42 AM): *ya life throws you swerves ever so often *the next couple months are gonna be testing
Under the blood, above the influence...Eat your
heart out sweetheart ;) says (12:43 AM): *but what's life without challenges
Shelli... says (12:46 AM): *indeed
If people want to walk out of your life - let them go.
spent most of last night...dragging this lake for the corpses of all my past mistakes sell me out, the jokes on you he is salt and you are the wound empty another bottle and let me tear you to pieces this is me wishing you into the worst situations i'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat -"My heart is the worst kind of weapon" FOB
[...skipped a summer part on shopping...]
***
Saturday was the closing of a chapter.
Officially, it was the last day of summer. Last day because public transport doesn't run on Sunday and Monday.
The four of us went to the beach. It was delightful.
Me and Sher laid in the sand along the shore, chatted randomly. Shamz was taking pics. Ru laying on the sand by our bags.
In a way, that day indeed felt like an end to something. There was an edge of finality to everything about it. Whether the four of us chose to acknowledge it... or not.
Whether the finalty lies within that of the end of summer... or the end of the time when we are young, first time out of school and not employed. The sort of innocence and naivety that lies within that period thats soon to end. Or maybe, who knows, a disintegration of the foursome itself.
The chapter concluded with this weird path in the sky. How's that for irony. I wonder who's path it is... whether it was a metaphor for the four of us being on the same path.. or maybe realizing our paths... who knows.
It was delightful and calming. I liked it. Happy days.
*********
your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears rather ones that just don't care ... now i'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me ... every line is plotted and designed to leave you standing on your bedroom windows ledge and everyone else that it hits that it gets to...is nothing more than collateral damage -"My heart is the worst kind of weapon" FOB
They say that deep down, everyone knows what's best for them - even if they don't want to admit it to themselves. You can tell from the very inception whether something will work or not, from the mere core intuition of it all, but there's almost nothing greater than denial. And it's our reluctance to admit what's wrong and learn to let go that keeps us holding on trying to make something work. Trying to fit a triangle into a circle.
We are the gatekeepers to our own happiness. Our own prison wardens. Sometimes, life is that simple - we just complicate it. Sometimes it really could just be either, or. And you just follow through and try not to regret it because... to cop that cliche, have no regrets because whatever you did at that point in time was exactly what you wanted. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.. I'm just trying things out, seeing what works but for the first time. In a long time. It feels right, uncertain, but right. I'm not saying my decisions won't be mistakes, I don't know the outcomes... but what's important is that it feels like the right decisions. And thats peaceful in and of itself.
I've been bouncing back and forth indecisively trying to figure out who I am and what paths I am choosing for myself...and every day, funnily enough, I grow more confused yet at the same time I'm worrying less and less. I'm learning that the answers unfold before your eyes if you just give it time - just wait and be patient.
I've been reflecting upon the different friends I've met and what my Lit prof said about solipsism, and how we are all mirrors of ourselves. We all reflect images of each other, a little fragment... Free will isn't as free as we think, nor are our identities... It's shaped and influenced and balanced off by everything around us.. Perhaps, nature's little manipulation. Nuntheless, everything works out in the end. All the puzzle pieces fit eventually. Nothing is static in nature, it's fluid... like oil rolling off of... I don't even know what. But it sounds nice.. has more constitution than water...
Anyways... there comes a point when the most absurd thing is what works. You can't stop and think about it. You can't always analyze it. You stop, and trust that where ever you are, whatever you are doing, whom ever you are with is happening in this exact moment, for a completely valid reason. One that you don't know yet... one thats a part of the bigger picture of the bigger picture that we are all a part of.
"Therefore, live every day as if it's the first day of your life. The only day that isn't, is the day that you die."
Relax. And quit pretending. Just be.... and live.....!
Everything that is meant to happen... eventually does.
Also, embrace your weirdness.. Like Bette Midler says, cherish forever what makes you unique, for without it - you are a just a yawn.
And, I'd rather be anything, than ordinary, please.
I love my eccentricities.
Everyone should see that movie... "American Beauty"
It's just.. a lovely piece of literature caught on film.
And... I'd rather be anything, than ordinary please.
Shelli out.
Ughh... I wanna paint but its 4 in the morning...! I'm going to get up at 6 .. yes yes... that I will do.
I'm telling the wrong lies... the right lies would atleast be keys, they would open doors 'Hesitations outside the door'
(Margaret Atwood)
So it's the first day of the fourth month and fortunately enough, everyone in my life is way too busy to try and pull pranks on me.
I got my History paper back - I got an A. I got my Literature paper back, and along with the whole class, I have sentence by sentence edits... *mutter grumble mutter* To do over the paper for next Tuesday because she wants us to become better writers and such... which is awesome... but I don't wanna write this paper over and polish it up.. chuts.
So finally I've decided to sit back and relax while I watch before me as things complicate themselves without my involvement. Somehow, I find myself in the midst of sheer confused minds... and each day that passes things seemingly become less certain, more comedic - except it fails to tickle my funny bone most of the time, and fragile. And each day they seem to get a little closer to touch the outskirts of insanity.
So now... I've fully exhausted myself with trying to know. Before I walk back into a historical repetition and get caught up in a matrix...I realize I have a bad habit of forming my own conclusions and stubbornly holding onto it.. but this time, I'm just going to relax and observe... and yea, I'm finally learning how to do that. No over analyzing or under analyzing.
*sigh* I don't know anymore...
Wait...wait... that's a lie... I know what I want... Recently I've been majoring in "knowing what I want" I just wish the people around me did so we could move forward, be it united or separate... Some things are worth the fight. Some things it's better to spare yourself the trouble and leave it alone, because its just not worth it... and other things fall into that alluring "unattainable" category of no matter how hard you try, it'll always be just out of reach, just not meant for you.
It's just a matter of patience and intuition to decipher it. Pity, neither are in my repertoire of virtues.
***
Of all the things I've believed in.. ..I just want to get it over with -Michelle Branch
A day last week I believe it was... a Wednesday... Yours truly code-blue at the hospital. I can only assume what this "code-blue" is.
Essentially, I have this incredibly stupid fear of needles. However it was never this bad before... Normally I just hate getting any blood work done on me, and I look away during the process. This time though they took 3 vials of blood from my skinny petite constitution. This is the most blood that's ever been removed from me at one single time, and I did it on a foolishly empty stomach (I only had a glass of Orange Juice before I left... I hadn't anticipated that blood work was going to be done that day).
So... I fainted. Or well that's what I keep hearing... All I know is that I very conscious, but I just felt very very weak. My legs and arms cramped up. I suddenly felt very very cold to the point of trembling.
So they "code-blued" me. Next thing there's a bunch of doctors, nurses and equipment in the room and I'm mumuring weakly that all this isn't necessary. I end up getting ANOTHER injection, or rather prick to test my blood sugar which was like 76 or 79. This is pretty low, it should've been in the 90s. My heart was racing. I don't remember about the blood pressure.
I was wheelchaired down to a room back in pediatrics and monitored by my doctor periodically for about half hour to and hour. I was given heat packs to make me warm. Lots of drama.
Now my fear of needles has heightened from all this unnecessary response. *mutter grumble mutter*
However, 2 days later I went to get my vaccines and that wasn't too bad. I got "magic shots" from my Doc, and it was done before I could say "Pizza, pepperoni, mushrooms...."
***
I started my first week of school.
Boy don't I feel awkward. My classes are quite small - about under 30 students in each except for Intro to Business.
I haven't formulated a real opinion on my views on going back to school as yet, so depending on what time and mood I'm in, if I'm asked "How was your first day/week at school?" the response varies.
I just think it's weird being a student again after being a teacher. The classes remind me there's so much more to learn. On some levels, I wish I knew the material already... And in some ways I'm doubting my capabilities..
But take it one day at a time right? Don't rush things... As long as it's my best effort, that's all that's needed.
***
Mom left this morning.
I feel quiet. I'm not sure if I'm sad or if it has set in that I'm by practically by myself here for the next couple months.
Then again, this is something I've wanted a while now... and it's not like it's permanent...
*hums the song "I'll be home for Christmas"...*
***
Tonight I have a dinner to go to by my godsis Devianne. It's the second dinner in her law firm or something like that... awesome.
Then I'm trying to decide if I want to go by Nads Sunday... My aunt was telling me that Brooklyn is quite unsafe during Labour Day parades... I wanted to go since I never saw it or experienced it before...
My allergy season with b.s. peaked to new levels.... It's amazing what you learn with very little... It all proves life is quite elementary. All you need is the right questions... they would be keys, they would open doors.
...
Today i woke up, more awake than i have felt in years.
Not concerned with anything, no tears,
I'm done with that sh**.
Cuz running away is a game I play...!
-"This is getting over you" Alkaline Trio
***
It feels good to be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....!
Ok.. i'll stop for now.
Shelli out.
I'll elaborate later.
Maybe.
And I'll talk about my eventful past couple days.
"This could never be Providence.
Stop trying to convince me otherwise."
-Shelli
Everything happens for a reason -
Or so they keep trying to convince me.
I've officially reached a point of being tired of hearing "think positively".
People say you must avoid things that stress you, for life has so many natural stresses everyday. Yet I find myself, in order to make everybody happy, taking on everything that would ultimately stress me. I find myself taking the routes to stress me out, and take one for the team... you know, sacrifice yourself for the sacrifice of it all... You know, hope that this all counts for something in the end.
The amusing part is that after all this sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice, in the midst of others sacrifices, I'm hearing I have a choice in the matter and 'Life is stressful, deal with it'... I don't have a choice in the matter. Choice is an illusion. Choice is a mirage in dessert from dehydration.
I don't even have the comfort of being between the rock and the hard place.
***
Two words.
One meaning.
"Fed up."
***
-"All my life" Foo Fighters
All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost
Come down don't you resist
You have such a delicate wrist
And if I give it a twist
Something to hold when I lose my breath
Will I find something in that
So give me just what I need
Another reason to bleed
ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down...
***
I'm exhausted. Life exhausts me.
I've got a headache since I've been here and I have the sneakiest of suspicions its going to last a while longer.. that's as positive as my thinking is going to get. I've succumbed to reality.
"I think I need a bottle with a genie in it." -Ray J "One wish"
***
I hate making decisions. I especially hate making final decisions.
I hate how they have consequences. *shudder* Why must there be consequences?
I hate how they are so absolute.
I hate how they change things and colour them black OR white... no allowances for shades of gray.
I hate following through even though I'm still riddled with uncertainty. I hate having final consequences.
***
"Of all the things I believed in... I just wanna get it over with..."
Yesterday was horrible. I kept finding myself in positions and looking at it going... "Wow... I don't want this right now, right in this moment" and not wanting to say it because while I'm certain I can't deal with it right now, I might be able to deal with it in the future... And I'm scared that a consequence would be a permanent closure on these doors lest I say "I'm done.. I'm through."
It was so sad... Everything that I thought I knew. Everything that I thought wanted. Everything that I was accustomed to for so long... I was looking at it as an observer, rather than me in the situation, and thinking "What am I doing?"
***
Seems I've fallen in love with the r&b genre recently... Yummy.
"As a matter of fact, I was the one who said I love you first"
"Of all the things I believed in... I just wanna get it over with... I've been searching deep down in my soul Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old... And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time I want what's yours and I want what's mine... ...But I'm not giving in this time ...The one thing that I tried to hold on to...
...And when the stars fall I will lie awake You're my shooting star" -Michelle Branch "Goodbye to you"
It never ceases to amaze me how a little "by the way", accidental "stumbled-upon" could change a mood so drastically. The feeling of exuberance crushed like a slapped mosquito in my sleep and dusted off...
Fed up. Fed up. Fed up.
***
Regardless of what they say...
How could it feel... this wrong?
From this moment...
-Portishead "Roads"
***
And I want to take the hand of the little girl I used to know...
That wasn't always happy but content
And if not content, an expert pretender.
That wasn't the strongest person,
But strong enough to get herself out of scrapes
And over and above obstacles placed in her path.
That was sweet and innocent, with the right touch of naivety,
And clung to the good old fashioned morals that she was taught.
That bounced back easily
And roll through with invisible hater blockers.
... and say I'm sorry to her
That she grew up
And realized the darkness of the world
In the unfortunate way
It shattered her rose-coloured glasses
And she curled in the fetal position
Of the dark pit that became her home
And cried, like she never did.
And prayed for a crack in wall.
A hopeful ray of light...
In a hopelessly hopeful situation.
Hold her hand and rescue her
From this place
Before it stains her spirit...
If only I could reach her.
...If only...
So I roll through this world like a tumbleweed on a dry open field. Every now and then I land embarrassingly enough in a pot hole, and a little piece of me remains as the wind pushes me along. Before I know it, my size has shrunk a bit and my sense of identity constantly changing... Then I guess, I fall in some mud, roll some more and gain some more size.
The point of that is... there is no point... Right now I wish I could just KNOW. Know ONE thing, anything, and be certain. Be certain of some level of permanence... I mean, I knew myself well enough to know how indecisive I can be but... wow... I think this is a brand new high, or low.
On a good day, I think I know that all will be well and my notions were correct. I run around fixing all that's wrong with the world, speaking in absolutes, strutting with confidence. I trust in faith... of the overall theory of good will overcome evil... and the overwhelming good that exists deep down in humanity. I smile to myself and I defend my beliefs... like a good little human.
On a bad day, I think I could find a connection to every mistake and that has been made... Every misspoken word, every unintended action, every ill-fated effort and turn it into something completely tawdry and absurd and foolish... yet so simple like how those mystery/suspense movies plausibly tie up all loose ends.
On either day, at the end of it... I feel slightly bad because despite my conviction in my voice... I don't know what to believe. Then I start to feel bad about questioning things so much when I should just trust it.
But how can you trust a jigsaw puzzle that looks right no matter how you flip the pieces? How can you conclude is the REAL TRUE way it is supposed to be.
And every day I just can't let go of my indecisiveness. It keeps me slightly fixed to one spot no matter how much I'm moving in other aspects of my life... It keeps me holding on to 'What if I move this piece here?'
And that.. is...
Truly depressing.
***
On another note, it seems no good deed goes unpunished. I mean I learned all I needed to learn from what culminated with Shawn end of February and I swore never to repeat anything out of good intentions again. From now on, I shall watch you walk onto the train tracks wary or not of the oncoming train...
Ok... so maybe not quite as mean...
But a few weeks succeeding that moment when I supposed to have learned my lesson I did my usual well ended sure-footed talk, can't remember if it was a good day or a bad day... but what ever was said was said... and it came back to bite me in the backside.
BUT that's all right. I already decided about a month ago that I don't want to know other people's business, that I will mind my own... and that I will try my hardest/damnedest(yes it is a word) to avoid gossip.
And, I shall give myself a cookie because I have succeeded thus far since my resolution.
I realized I relied on one too many people as well... and then I further realized I was lazily relying on people when I should have been relying on myself.
I can feel myself slipping into isolation mode... how it was a couple years back when I just cut myself off from everybody.
Nobody can't disappoint you if there's no one there to let you down... and there's no one for you to disappoint other than yourself... and I mean, since it's been said a million times we are our worst critics, we should be accustom to the abuse by now right?
***
These things call friendships are exhausting.
I'm done.
I'm no longer fixing anything.
I'm no longer running back to fix anything.
I'm no longer looking for excuses to justify people's actions.
And yea, it's not for me to judge anyone, so I'm going to try my best not to run around judging anyone...but at the same point in time I'm going to try not to keep making the same mistakes with the same people over and over... just because this time, I swear it; I learned from what happened before; it won't ever happen again; that was the last time; I've changed... blah blah blah b.s. when there's no actions to follow and support all these words.
And yea, I know I've uttered those words in italics before too... but I'm sincerely trying to change. It's not a matter of follow through, it's a matter of how long I can keep it up for... God give me strength.
I'm tired.
I'm done.
Until I forget and end up right where I am again...
This is my pre(one day before)-one year of knowing him post.
This is my weekend before my birthday post.
This is my weekend before I start to get serious about my life post.
This is my weekend that I made it into church and actually listened post.
This is my expression of how frustrated I am post.
This is my "I should be setting my kids exams" post.
This is my... I'm not nearly as flexible as I think because my dash back hurts now... post.
As usual, I had a lovely post all planned out in my head and I had a series of interruptions that prevented me from staying at the PC long enough to type it up... now I have to feel my way through and hope and pray that at least a fragment comes back to me.
***
I re-entered my "I adore Alanis" mode.
I remember in Literature class back in college, in the midst of all that research for papers, I stumbled across a bit of info that said Shakespeare had a great understanding of human emotions. This I won't contest, there's one too many schools of thought written on the subject. However,I would never say I was a fan of Shakespeare, but at the same point in time, I could appreciate his work. The time frame through which his plays ranged mirrored the Elizabethan society in such a manner that the metaphors could not be missed and an understanding could not have any more revealing depth.
This understanding was probably influenced by what I was simultaneously learning history class, but yea... that's another story...and I'm rambling... and this has naught to do with Alanis.
So for the generations that Shakespeare's writing catered for reflected this understanding of human emotions...
Alanis Morisette may be no playwright, nor a singer of the grandeur kind... but as a lyricist or a poet, her writing is so candid that it is so easy for anyone to relate - prejudiced against the pop/rock genre or not. She does not necessarily write about a range of daily emotions, but rather accurately writes about the intricate dynamic emotions experienced throughout relationships. The intricacies of the beginning, the wasted chances, past regrets, maybe's/what if's, future possibilities and the culmination. Then aside from how she writes the songs, her performance always adds a new dimension to each piece.
(Below I have a few excerpts from two of her songs)
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land If only I could meet the Maker And I am fascinated by the spiritual man I am humbled by his humble nature yeah
What I wouldn't give to find a soul mate Someone else to catch this drift And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred -"All I really want"
Dear Jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's you face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday Dear Terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me Dear Marcus You rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking me own ass but I would never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun -"Unsent"
Ok so these might not be the best representation of her lyrical masterpieces... muahahaha! But these are all that I could think up and copy in my current state of mind and slightly drugged (Advil cold & sinus) state.
***
In regards to my blog title, I just realized today that sometimes we tend to hold on to things long after the thing has passed. We sit and deliberate on a moment as if it has been frozen in time... when in reality not only has the moment long been carried away by the gentle winds of time but the people that existed in that moment have long moved on. It's almost as opening your eyes for the first time after crying in your sleep, to realize you are sitting flat on your bottom, clinging onto a teddy bear, watching the world spin before your eyes. The world isn't waiting for your deliberations... so just get over it.
Adri, Ru and myself went out and celebrated her birthday... several days later.
Ok, partial lie. We were chaperoning... but HEY. We're good chaperons.. we chaperon from a different building. *wink*
But, seriously, we were post-celebrating.
We went to the new branch of Rituals on Wallstreet in Grand Anse. It was gorgeous. Adri and I kept gushing about how Manhattan-esque we felt just sitting on the outside patio of the place, and Russel kept watching us incredulously.
I had a Moccachino grande. Adri had a Mocha chiller and Ru had Caramel chiller I believe. I think gluttony got me sick with the grande business... halfway through the moccachino I started to feel full and nauseous. I forced an issue for the pretty price I paid for it... I burped my nausea for a good 15-20 minutes until I stopped being conscious of it.
It was so much fun.
Oh.
Next week, we're planning to go to De Vinos at Le Marquis mall, Grand Anse. Order a bottle of wine, and live like the Italians do for an hour or so. Get some cheese and just chill. Mmm... good times.
***
Today was one hell of a controversy otherwise. People always talk. They always have something to say... and they take delight to articulate these words past their lips... and when they reach your eardrums they sow the seed of distrust. Whom do we trust? We start to doubt ourselves... whom could know better than ourselves?
For the first time in a month or so... I've made a firm decision. One that should have been made ages ago. I felt one foot move one step in front of the other in the direction of progress. I could feel the air being released from my chest and dispelled into the air in a sigh of relief. It was then I realized, I along with everyone else, was waiting for this moment.
Adri made her decisions too.
I hope Ru had some grand epiphany like we did in these moments... chances are he did... chances are he didn't.
*hugs the world*
Everybody knows... almost doesn't count.
Soooo... let's fight providence. Change the world. Make a step... for if you're not moving... you're going NO WHERE.
You wanna know how deeply my soul goes,
Deeper than bones.
And I can't get enough...
Smoke rings drift into the midnight sky...
Presently in the quilt that your mother made...
A candle burns to fight off the gloom...
I said to live this way is not for the meek...
Like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep...
I said there will be no regrets
when the worms come...
And they Shall surely
Come.
-3EB
***
Boom like an 808.
Circles like a figure 8.
-Blaque
***
Today was last assembly.
As I sat at Reno I watched the students do their little dances and sing their songs as they bid their farewell to their school.. their safe harbour over the past 5 years.
I could feel a slight smile play against the edges of my lips on occasion as I looked on... I tried to remember what it was like for me.
It's been 4 years since I've graduated High School. I can't remember much about my final assembly... That kinda sucks. But.. I do remember feeling so happy, yet terrified of leaving... venturing off into the unknown. I remember feeling that it would be hard to survive without the faces I saw on a daily basis, including those that pissed me off. I remember holding on dearly to the memory of my teachers and their classes... and to some extent I still do.
But eventually, I was able to place it from present tense past things that I clung to for dear life, to things of the past that I place in the box called cherished memories that I whip out in moments like these... when you can't helped but breathe in the nostalgia in the air and get lost in your own reveries of the past...
Oh... high school... oh college... hmm...
***
Shelli Out.
Thank GOD I should be well on my way off this island... like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep.
Life lesson #3: Don't dwell on the negative when there is still a life to live...and remember, turn around is fair play.
So after having an unfortunate fortunate turn of events, I found myself standing in a pool of "What ifs?" and "Maybe this...", "Perhaps that..." and "If I remember accurately, there's that one vague incident that time before the last when I almost kind of called and the rain started to fall and it was like a metaphor from God... a vague psychic moment..."
I said unfortunate fortunate because after months of praying for a turn around, and ultimately accepting things for the way they are like a cynic with my pessimistic expectations.... what I was waiting impatiently for seems to be happening... and all it has rendered is me being one thoroughly confused individual.
Pleasantly surprised yet slightly annoyed.
***
I decided that why question everything. What will be, will be. What is in the dark, will eventually come to light... and until that point - Be happy.
Why devote so much energy into validating unhappiness when you can sit and revel in the moments of why you should be happy?
***
Nobody sits one place for a long time because they don't like the situation they're in... and even if they don't like it, nobody sticks so long lest it bothers them enough to move....
***
Love will come find you, just to remind you... who you are. - Alicia Keys
Yesterday was Adri's birthday.... 'Twas a unique experience. A friend who isn't really supposed to celebrate birthdays celebrating birthdays.... I hope she enjoyed it.
Adri says she likes her gift... *perks eyebrow*
Tomorrow is daddy's birthday.... We're planning a surprise birthday party. Yummy.
OOooo and Renata's birthday was the 27th of Feb... but I finally got around to getting and giving her a birthday gift... she claims she likes it... I must look for something more.
I gave my friend their necklace today... they say they likes it...
I've lost so much faith in my ability to buy nice gifts.... hmm....
***
Another secret meeting On the 5th floor stair case I'm wanna give you this letter Of all the things I cant say Want you to be my first my last my ending and beginning I wrote your name in my book You last name my first I'm your Mrs.
When the lights are on outside Could you find somewhere to hide Cause I just don't want to say goodbye Cause you are my baby baby
Nothing really matters I don't really care What nobody tell me I'm gunna be here It's a matter of extreme importance My first teenage love affair
Careening through the universe, your axis on a tilt,
you're guiltless and free...
I hope you take a piece of me with you.
And there's things I'd like to do, that you don't believe in.
I would like to build something someday...
But you'd never see it happen.
-3EB "Motorcycle Drive By"
***
It's in the early a.m.s and although my lids are heavy... I can't fall back asleep. So hear I am, deliberating on whether I should venture forth and attempt to write the post I've been trying to write since Thursday. These past couple days have been so comparatively quiet to the weeks I've been having. The quiet moments are filled with those *gasps* "Is a higher being trying to communicate and guide me?" Everything seems symbolic to the point of seeming so integral to the intricate web of the way things should be when I reach the destination I'm destined to be.
I decided to take the bus Thursday to go home.
I walked across the Carenage... and for some bizarre reason I chose to walk up the street, by Courts and come down on the road by First Caribbean bank leading to Scotia and Bryden & Minors, rather than take my usual route through the tunnel. I was tired. I was still feeling sick. Yet I chose the path of most resistance. *Mutter grumble mutter* Still not completely clear as to why I'm going there. I bounced into one of my students, Karen, who dragged me ALL over town to show me some various paintings on which she's basing her ideas. Despite my initial reluctance to go with her because of how I was feeling, I was so pleased to see that at least one of my students was taking my advice and doing some actual research into their pieces to submit to me.
It's moments like that where I love my job. Thoroughly. If they did that more often I would cuss a lot less.
Everything happens for a reason... I had to be there so it would all make sense...
Anyways...
~~~
Shoot... I was just reading something and in turn I remembered something. It threw off my train of thought. It started my thinking about a dream I had a couple nights back... I really wish I understood everything and what it meant right now...guess I just have to have the patience to watch it unfold before me I guess...
~~~
So I make it the the Terminal. I get the last seat on the bus, which coincidently is my personal favourite, the seat right behind the conductor. As soon as I sit properly in the bus, the guy right next to me shifts a bit (not in an annoying uncomfortable way) and the smell of cigarette smoke swarms me briefly. He wasn't smoking, but it's the type of scent that lingers on your clothes and body long after you're finished... And strangely enough, it took me straight to New York.
I don't really ever recall that thought connection ever happening before. My mum's youngest brother, my favourite uncle, smokes. I remember when he used to be in the apartment in the Bronx, in the back room at nights, smoking through an open window...
Walking in, arms folded, after getting off the bus, I contemplated ditching my heels. It's moments like those I think I need an occupation where a desire to where flip flops is requisite. I didn't take it off unfortunately. There was broken glass on the road - the only thing that stopped me.
Isn't it funny how it's in the quietest moments the world seems to slow and things make sense? I can't explain the sense I felt... But it was rather calming. Looking at the weathered land I realized I was surrounded by life that survived despite of adversity... not to say that I was not privy to such knowledge before. But it never hurts to be reminded.
Everything that needed to be said was said. My decisions are becoming easier (not to be confused with easy). One by one.
It's just so annoying that it all started with one decision. I make one major decision and it's like the manager of the universe decides to heave at least 3 more major decisions my way because he figures I can handle it.
It got to the point where pretending and denying there is a decision to be made is like pretending you don't see the elephant under your carpet... especially when the darn tusks keep pricking your tender bare foot bottoms.
Come September I may not be here any longer on this pretty isle. Not permanently... but for a while. And I'm scared... believe me I'm scared. But my fears are not big enough to stop me from going... because I know I can adapt and I may have some adjustment issues but I'll get through it... I've been through enough and had to adjust enough and... let's just leave it at I'm confident that my experiences over the past 19 years have prepared me sufficiently to start to be open about being able to think I can deal with the new situations that will inevitably be presenting themselves.
***
***
And there's a memory of a window,
Looking through I see you,
Searching for something... I could never give you...
And there's someone who understands,
You more than I do...
A sadness I cant erase
....All alone on your face....
-3EB "God of wine"
I was walking Ronique around my neighbourhood and I had a completely poetic movie moment. I was wearing a blue hoodie and a pair of blue shorts. My left hand holding my mp3 player inside my hoodie pocket. My right holding the dog leash.
At one point, on my journey uphill, I was caught between streetlights. Standing there I realized I was creating two shadows - one of someone walking a dog uphill, and one of someone walking downhill. AND 'The road I'm on' by Three Doors Down was playing.
Ok so it's half as cool as I thought it was last night. But it did feel like a really pensive movie moment.
***
Life is what you make it.
School has started back. How truly depressing. I feel as if the past two vacation weeks dissipated into thin air and ceased to have ever existed. I get a mild headache every morning. My doc told me some time back that aside from sinus headaches, horrible sinuses can also cause you to feel fatigue... or perhaps that's just blues because work has started back...
The kids seem happy. I'm determined to try and make the best of their receptiveness... plan some fun lessons and actually find a way to orchestrate them despite time limitations and such.
As Ru would say.... Le sigh...
Bleh. It's 7.36 am. I need to start getting ready for work. -.-
The sun is always in my eyes, It crashes through the windows...
***
Shelli is tired. Tired beyond words... and tissue... and muscles... and cells... and bones... and thinking capacities... plain and simple tired.
Well perhaps that is a lie. I'm frustrated. Shelli is frustrated by predispositions which at current she can't affect a change upon or could summon the willpower to affect a change of that kind.
The world is tiring. Nothing is as truly tiring as trying to save a soul only to realize the soul must want to save itself. Flailing arms draw attention and may indicate a desire for help. However, if those flailing arms never render themselves into some sort of controlled behaviour conducive to rescue, flailing they shall forever be... shan't they? ***
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose...
“You cannot say you’ve lost a friend. If a friendship is capable of ending, it is because it never existed.” ~ Sent by Mayza Blanco Martinez
***
Classes today? Today was one of my lighter days. I spent it inside marking papers. The mundane aspects of teaching. -.-
I was planning to go to town to buy some tiles for my new pet project but... it was drizzling and I rationalized what's one more day...
***
...Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by, The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you don't mind, you smile, And say the world doesn't fit with you. I don't believe you, you're so serene...
-3EB 'Motorcycle driveby'
***
We learned that things change, people change, and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means you move on and treasure the memories.” -Alicia Boxer “Beginnings are always scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts. You just have to give hope a chance to float up.” -”Hope Floats”
***
This post isn't going anywhere... I shall take my exit... I posted my "How to make a sketchbook" post as well here. One frustrated Shelli... out
Ok, this is half as bad as I think it is... but close enough to half to serve as a notable reminder for the future...
I can't believe I lived to regret 'unavailable' within an hour of it being said? C'mon.. who does that happen to? What kind of bad Karma is this? I've been trying to be good darn it.
I give up... I intended to write a beautifully long post to update what's been going on with me... but the spirit of writing has departed.
I'm going to bed.
Shelli is annoyed.
Shelli is feeling faint from her annoyance.
Remember to breathe Shelli... remember to breathe...
What is a day, when pensive thoughts swarm your being? When unanswered questions dominate your vision... everything seen through those shattered rose coloured glasses. Nothing looks the same anymore. And when the light blinds your eyes, the burst of colour almost too much. When you sit and close your eyes and bid your time to adjust to the light... The reality of sight appears before you and you are torn... torn from the memory of your monochromatic vision to... to... accept that the prism, of that unwelcomed ray of morning sunlight through the edge the window's glass, separates into more than just one, single colour. It's almost hard to accept - all of the pretty colours. Rose has not become absent, it has just become in spite of. It is, right there, in the midst of colours still. Existing. It is in the painted wall of old bedroom. It is in the petals of my mother's Jerba flowers in her garden. It is in my favourite comfy t-shirt and those pants I rarely wear. It is in my Love-a-lot Care Bear from Nads...
Nothing remains static, yet change always seems to catch me off-guard. Not that I can't handle it, it just always seems to be shaking things up, like a snow globe. The snow bits settle and next thing I know they're all over floating again. Perhaps it's just me, but despite knowing better, things seem to freeze like a photograph in my mind when I leave. Yet I remain shocked when I change, and return to the places that have changed like I have.
But what about... there's nothing like returning to a place that has remained the same, to only find out how much you have changed?
Come on Shelli... You must get tired of retracing your footsteps, questioning your decisions. Final means final.
I honestly believe some of us have found heaven on Earth... whilst some have single-handedly made their way to hell... after all, that road is paved with good intentions.
~~~
Another story for the collection of memories.
And I will never make the same mistake again.
-'Waiting' Finch
~~~
Suspicion of lies is one thing. Confirmation of lies is another.
Shelli out.
Welcome to my little piece of the blogosphere. I'm a Caribbean artist/ wildlife conservationist/ adventure enthusiast. Hope my blog brings a bit of sunshine into your life.
